I laughed. ‘I better not be … you can’t play favourites. You should do it in order of when they came on board for the film! I’d be about twenty-seventh and by then, the big hook will be coming from the side of the stage to pull you off.’
Edgar laughed and then froze as a flash caught us off guard; a photographer had come alongside our window and we hadn’t noticed the car had slowed down and we were in the drop-off zone. There in front of us loomed the grand Royal Albert Hall. The driver dropped us in the designated area to do the red-carpet walk. Both of our car doors opened before we had time for a quiet kiss for good luck, but Edgar grabbed me for one anyway. So sweet – more camera flashes.
Then I was on the red carpet – there was so much red carpet; it seemed to go forever and there were stairs and different levels with something happening from the bottom to the top. I wanted to pull a big sign out of my bag that said hi to Nelly, Lockwood, Cassie, Sara and everyone from home, but of course that would be so uncool amongst the glitter set, and it wouldn’t have fitted in my bag anyway. I hitched my hand through Edgar’s offered arm and we took the walk. We stopped for four interviews along the way with different media outlets, jumped into selfies with fans along the barriers, did our separate posing and I dropped Sara’s name and her label, plus plugged my hair and make-up artists’ names as well, even though I had shared the details on my accounts with pics before we left Edgar’s apartment.
I didn’t see Isabella or Heath on the red carpet which was not surprising – it was frantically busy with stars, industry VIPs, reporters, photographers, you name it … we just moved along with the flow until we found ourselves being escorted to our seats. Wow, that was a whirlwind. Thank goodness some of our cast and crew were around us. If they were nominated, or former winners or partners, they were there, so we had our little posse.
I tried to not look at all the big-name stars around me but I did peek – who wouldn’t? Wow! I stopped looking, it made me nervous. I spotted Isabella and Heath seated on the other side of the aisle from us about one row back. She gave us a big smile and waved; Heath gave a barely discernible nod which Edgar reciprocated. Good grief. Isabella looked stunning, but she was a model. Together they looked like a beautiful couple – Heath dark and handsome, Isabella fair and glowing. I turned my attention back to Edgar to focus on us. I am right in the moment, right here and now – more inspiration from my relaxation coach.
And then the night began. I put Dahlia’s training to good use and I stayed in the now – I listened to what was said, clapped, laughed, was in awe, tapped along to any entertainment and did everything in the moment so that I wasn’t in my head compulsively going through my speech, worrying I wouldn’t look happy for the winner if it wasn’t me, or fixating on things that could go wrong. It helped because all around me the theatre was full of people and cameras and lights and – okay, back to Dahlia’s techniques. Edgar, beside me, looked so cool. I hope I looked like that – a duck, calm on the surface, paddling frantically underneath.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, the first award for the night was for Most Outstanding Film so straight up we would be celebrating or not! The nominees were read:Between Night and Day, The Missing, Journey of the Soul, Cliff HangerandThe Meaning of Nothing.We gave a loud cheer for our film, of course. Wow, they took so long to open that envelope, then the presenters looked at each and smiled – for the love of God, read it out! I hope I didn’t say that out loud, nope, quick check, all okay.
‘The winner of the Most Outstanding Film isThe Meaning of Nothing.’ The film Heath was in. We smiled and clapped, as you do, and looked over his way where everyone was hugging and cheering as they were all seated together. The producer along with the director, Nadim Ramirez, who I recognised from the publicity interviews, got up to accept the award and headed to the stage. One down that we didn’t win – I hoped that wasn’t an omen. We were in five categories, so four remaining to win. Heath’s film had three nominations and they had won one, not that I was counting of course.
We could relax during the next few awards as we weren’t nominated for them: Best Newcomer and Best Adapted Screenplay and then before I knew it, it was my award.
I wasn’t ready …
Yes, I was. Okay, I can do this.
Remember what Dahlia said, smile, acknowledge the work of others and remember I’m a small cog in the wheel that gets to be part of the award. Steady breathing, smile. Edgar held my hand and we exchanged smiles.
And then the presenters read through the nominees and showed an extract of each of us in our performance.
‘Rachel Sumina,Cliffhanger.’Wow, Rachel was good, her extract was brilliant.
‘Amee Andrews,Journey of the Soul.’Oh God, Amee was so good, look at her go.
‘Julia Vazquez,You and Me…’ My jaw nearly fell open watching Julia, she was brilliant.
Fuck!
‘Catherine Earnshaw,Between Night and Day.’I know the camera panned to Edgar and I but I didn’t see it. I was just smiling nicely, doing my deer caught in the headlights impersonation. They showed the clip of me as Portia with my supporting actor co-star, Kyle Hughes playing Connor. I watched it as though I was seeing it for the first time.
On-screen, Connor laughed. ‘Portia! Christ, your parents must have had great hopes for you when they named you that. Look at you now. Go on, take the pills, finish it off.’
I looked up at him—on the screen of course—my drug-wasted face, my eyes dull, my hair stringy and I smiled, this weird feeble smile and then I threw the pills at him. ‘You know what?’ I said, shaking with the effort of doing that, ‘I’m going to stick around to see what happens next.’ And then I threw up on him.
Ah, glamour! The audience gave me a huge cheer and I laughed because it was a bizarre contradiction to us all sitting here tonight so glamorous. And that laugh did me a world of good because it relaxed me, and I realised that I’m here with all my peers and those that I aspire to be as good as just watched my work.
That’s something.
The presenters announced the last nominee: ‘Emilia Paulson inAbout That’. Oh fuck, Emilia was great too. Well, I was in good company.
‘And the award goes to—’ Not breathing, not moving …
‘Catherine Earnshaw,Between Night and Day’.
Chapter 37– The meaning of everything
I can’t put into words what happened next, but it was surreal and it all happened so fast. I looked to Edgar to make sure I had heard it correctly – it would have been so embarrassing if I walked up and it wasn’t me that they called. There was no one else called Catherine Earnshaw was there? He stood, pulled me up, kissed me, and everyone around me did the same. Then Edgar gave me his arm and helped me up the stairs—what a gentleman—before disappearing down them again and leaving me there with the presenters to accept my award.
My award. Oh my God.
I turned to see the audience and I forgot to get my speech out of my bag but I remembered it. It was like the director had called ‘action’ and I was on. I began:
‘Words can’t convey how thrilled and grateful I am for this award and opportunity, and it is thanks to the bar set by my fellow nominees. My heartfelt gratitude to Tamara Langer for taking a gamble and casting me; Edgar Linton for letting her, and for directing and guiding me through the role; our cast and crew that made me Portia, the wasted, prostitute at death’s door’.