“No, Chris, don’t chastise me. Jeni needs to wake up. This is craziness. Why on earth are you avoiding him?”
I shake my head. “Because he wasn’t… he wasn’t there,” I say quietly, knowing it’s not logical.
She furrows her brows in confusion. “Wasn’t where, Jeni?”
“He left… left our apartment. Then Jason did… well, this.” I point to my face.
She cocks her head to the side. “So, how exactly was Aiden supposed to know that stupid, pathetic son of a bitch, Jason, would do this to you? How is this Aiden’s fault? Explain it to me, Jeni? Because you’re acting seriously deranged right now,” Sarah yells, clearly frustrated.
Sarah doesn’t get it, so I glare at her. “It. Just. Is!” My frustration is showing again because my mind and heart are at odds with each other right now.
Flying up from the seat, I storm to my room. Quite fittingly, another clap of thunder sounds. Slumping on my bed, I curl up into a ball in an attempt to hold myself together before I truly fall apart.
I fear if I let go, if I give in, it will break me permanently.
A firm knock taps at my door. “Jeni?” I hear Chris ask.
Even though I want to ignore him, I know I need to talk to someone. “Come in,” I tell him as I sit up on my bed. He walks in, then cautiously edges down on the mattress which dips beneath his weight.
“Jeni, I know you blame Aiden for what happened, and I see where you’re coming from, but don’t you think you should at least talk to him? You owe him that much... I’ll come with you, if you feel uncomfortable going on your own. I think he needs to see and hear from you personally whether or not you want your relationship to be over.”
Chris is making sense, and his offer of going with me is tempting. “I know. I want to see him, but I’m afraid if I do, I’ll give in and go running back into his arms.”
Chris raises an eyebrow. “Is that such a bad thing?”
“Yes! Aiden left me vulnerable. If he hadn’t left, then I wouldn’t be here now, miserable and unhappy. I trusted him, Chris, I trusted Aiden to keep me safe. He promised me… he promised he would keep me safe.”
Chris shakes his head, and I know what he’s thinking. Even to me it sounds, as Sarah so eloquently put it, deranged. But I have no idea how to change these feelings rolling around inside my mind. How do you shift something so ingrained in you, even though you know it’s completely irrational?
“Jeni, I really think you need to talk this out with Aiden. He deserves that much.”
I swallow hard because I know Chris is right.
Aiden does deserve that much from me.
“Okay,” I reply hesitantly.
He half smiles. “Good. When would you like to go?”
My heart is saying now, right now, but my mind says never.
“I’ll get dressed. Can we go now?” I plead.
Chris nods his head. “Of course, Jeni, I’m here for the both of you.” Chris leans in and caresses my shoulder in a comforting way, and for some reason which I can’t explain, Chris is the only man who can come near me. I manage a half smile, and he stands, leaving my bedroom for me to change.
Finding my comfy gray sweatpants and pink sweater, I get dressed and put on some sneakers before walking to the dining room. I have so many mixed emotions. Finally seeing Aiden fills me with anxiousness. In a way, I feel like my soul’s been dying without him. But I’m terrified. Going back to that apartment, where this mess started, has me scared out of my mind.
Maybe he can bring me back to life? I quickly squash that thought. I can’t seem to get past the fact he wasn’t there, and even to me that thought sounds strange. Why is my mind being like this? Why am I torturing myself? Deep down I know this has to be some form of Post-traumatic stress disorder. Maybe I’m projecting, putting my anger about Jason onto Aiden. I’m probably going insane, or worse, I’ve become some demented fool who belongs in an institution.
But for some reason, the way I’m looking at it, it’s the only thing making sense in my mind.
Aiden was supposed to be in the apartment.
Aiden left.
Jason came in.
Jason hurt me.