I exhale with sadness. “I wish things were different.”
“Jeni…” he warns sternly, “… it was an accident. There was nothing anyone could’ve done to change what happened. I don’t blame you. I don’t blame anyone.” He kisses the top of my head.
That’s all very well, but I’m pretty sure I know who’s really to blame for the death of our baby.
He leads me inside, his hand on the small of my back. We spend the night as lovingly as we can and slowly fade to sleep.
The next morning, we hurriedly eat breakfast before heading to the airport. I’m sad our time in this beautiful snow-covered city is over, and we are heading back to reality. Jörg takes our suitcases and places them in the limousine.
“Wait here,” Aiden advises.
I look at him with one eyebrow raised as he heads into the gift shop next door. He comes out with two helium-filled balloons, one is pink and one is blue.
I chuckle and tilt my head. “What do we need balloons for?”
Aiden doesn’t reply and instead takes my hand and walks with me to the park across the street. I narrow my eyes on him curiously. He stops, turns, and hands me the pink balloon. He swallows and frowns, and I instantly know this isn’t a celebration.
“It’s time to say goodbye, Jeni… to our baby.”
My skin tingles, my fingers going numb as nausea hits me. Heat flushes over me as I grip onto Aiden’s shirt tightly. My heart races as I shake my head slowly at him. I don’t want to do this.
“Our tiny baby. Not even knowing you before we lost you is hard to take. No one can understand how we feel. It hurts like hell to lose something so precious. You were taken from us too soon. We will miss you every day, and we’ll never forget you, little one. Rest in peace.” Aiden’s words are so beautifully moving, I bite down on my bottom lip. My heart is so heavy, it feels like it’s dropped out of my chest as my eyes slowly moisten with tears while he speaks. He’s holding me tightly while I softly cry into his chest. Then he places his fingers under my chin to move my head up to meet his eyes. I look into them, and they’re glistening with tears which he’s trying to blink away, but it only makes me worse.
“When we let the balloons go, we’re sending them to heaven. To our baby. It’s to let our baby know we love and care for him or her and that they will always be in our hearts. Once we let the balloons go… our sorrow goes with it.”
My bottom lip quivers, and my chest squeezes. I can’t do this. I can’t say goodbye. Not yet. I step back from Aiden and look at him with tears flooding my eyes.
“Rest in peace, sweet one.” He lets his blue balloon go as a tear falls down his cheek, and the balloon flies up into the air.
I’m overwhelmed with grief as tears slide down my face while holding the pink balloon string to my chest for comfort. Aiden steps closer and holds me in his arms looking deeply into my watering eyes. “You have to let the grief go, Jeni.”
With his words, all the energy drains from my body, my legs give way, and I collapse. Aiden holds onto me tightly, cradling me to him as I cry in his arms for our lost baby. I grasp onto his jacket as he holds me, and I hear him sniffle. I know he’s struggling with this too, but I know he’s right. I have to let go. I have to do this. I look up at him fearing I’m not strong enough.
“We have to move on. Our baby is in heaven, watching us every day and waiting for us to continue with our lives. Our baby would want us to be happy, too.”
My bottom lip trembles. “Our baby would want us to be happy,” I reiterate.
Aiden nods. “You have to say goodbye.” He turns and holds me tightly around my stomach from behind. Holding me upright with my back to his chest, I sink into him as I cling to the balloon for dear life.
“You can do this, Jeni. You need to do this. To heal. For both of us to heal.” His words snap me out of my thoughts. I need to do this for Aiden, he needs this as much as I do. I exhale abruptly as I straighten my shoulders, finding my inner strength.
“I only knew about you for a short time, and then you were taken from us. I know I’ll think of you every day. Mommy loves you, little one. Rest in peace.” I cling to the string tightly, finding it hard to let it go. Aiden’s arms tighten on my stomach as he kisses my cheek, giving me the extra support I so desperately need, and with a heavy exhale, I let the balloon go.
My chest tightens, but a sense of relief washes over me as I watch the balloon drift off through tear-soaked eyes. It floats into the overcast, dreary sky, effortlessly wafting in the gentle breeze.
Even in my despair, I feel lighter somehow.
I guess Aiden’s right.
Letting go and saying goodbye is what we both needed to do.
He looks at me with tears in his eyes, and he swallows hard. I lean in, gently kissing him, letting him know he did the exact right thing as we stand holding each other for what seems like an eternity—but in reality, it’s only been a few minutes.
Eventually, we make our way back to the car and to the airport.
Aiden never loses his grip on me, his hand in mine, for the entire trip back to Mornington Vale.