The emptiness is tiring, and I feel lost without him. Drifting. Roaming these halls like a ghost, no longer feeling like I fit in. We’ve spent weeks going at each other’s throats, and I’ve been grasping at everything to continue fighting him. But now…now I’m starting to think I was wrong because what I felt then while locked in my room doesn’t compare to what I’m feeling now. I need him with everything in me so he can keep me from drowning, because right now, I feel like I’m going under, and I don’t know how to keep myself afloat.
The heartache is too much. It’s debilitating, and with every passing minute, it only gets worse. There are times when I think my chest is being cracked in half, my stomach getting ripped out of me, the pain unbearable without him.
How did this happen? How did I go from wanting to leave to being desperate for him to come back?
Outside, the trees are bare, the grass and flowers are gone, and there’s hardly any sign of life. There’s a thick blanket of snow draped over the estate grounds. It’s so white it hurts my eyes every time the sun peeks past the looming clouds. While staring out my bedroom window, I think about my dream, about Alexius chasing me through the trees. Even in my dream, I was conflicted. I wanted to run, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to leave. I wanted to get away, but I didn’t want him to let me go. I wanted him to catch me, and in my dream, he did. It felt so real, and disappointment flooded my system when I woke up realizing it was a dream, and not only was I alone, but Alexius and I were torn apart.
“You’re awake.”
I turn halfway and give a feeble attempt to smile at Mira before continuing to stare out the window. “Have you heard anything?”
“No. You?”
I tighten my arms around myself. “Nothing.”
She slips in next to me, and usually, I’d feel comforted when she’s close. But not today. Not since he left.
“And Nicoli won’t budge. Neither will my brother.”
“If Alexius doesn’t want them to talk, they won’t.”
“Loyal bastards. They’re pissing me off.” Mira shifts from one leg to the other, crossing her arms.
“I’m sure they hate this as much as we do.”
“I doubt that very much. Maximo loves showing me who has the higher rank between the two of us. And Nicoli just enjoys being a prick too much.”
“Yet you can’t—”
“I can’t what?” she snaps, her pointed glare daring me to finish that sentence.
I frown at her, leaning my head to the side as I study her face—rose-blushed cheeks, delicate cheekbones, stunning green eyes framed with dark curled eyelashes, and pouty, heart-shaped lips always painted a sultry red. Mira is beautiful and not in an hourglass figure or a super thin runway model kind of way. More like a Marilyn Monroe kind of way. Timeless, classic, and a beauty that would never fade simply because of the elegance she exudes in such a natural way. I can see why Nicoli can’t keep his eyes off her when they’re together in a room. But I don’t understand why he chooses to force this distance between them. It’s like he’s hellbent on acting like she doesn’t exist.
“Oh, right. I almost forgot the reason I came looking for you.” She turns to face me. “The doctor is here for your checkup.”
“Here? Now?”
She nods. “He’s waiting for you in the room Alexius set up.”
“Oh, my God.” I place my palm on my forehead. “I forgot about that. He told me he had that done since I’m not allowed off the estate.”
Mira’s eyes flash with pity, but I shrug it off. Me being trapped here has taken a back seat at the farthest corner of my mind right now. All I can think about is Alexius and where he could be and when he’s coming back.Ifhe’s coming back.
I place a palm on my belly. “Alexius isn’t here for the ultrasound.” A profound sadness washes over me. “Mira,” I look at her as I struggle to keep the tears at bay, “I’m a mess.”
“Oh, God, no. Come here.” She brings me in for a hug, brushing her palms down my back with comforting strokes. “You’re not a mess. I think, considering the circumstances, you’re far from it.” She leans back and looks at me. “You’re a strong woman, Leandra. You’re still dragging your ass out of bed every morning, getting dressed, and smiling at everyone here while your heart is shattered, and that’s true strength. God knows I wouldn’t be able to do it.”
“But I can’t,” I whimper, tears finally rolling down my cheeks. “I can’t do this alone, Mira.”
“No, no, no. Leandra, you will not go through this alone. I’ll be here with you every step of the way.”
“I know. But I need…I need him.” My hands shake as I wipe tears from my cheeks, my emotions cracking me wide open. “Not long ago, all I wanted was to get away from him. I was angry. Hurt. And all I could think about was leaving and never wanting to see him again. But now,” I wipe at my tears, “now that he’s gone, I can’t fathom the idea of doing this without him. I don’t want to do this without him. And I’m so scared. So, so fucking scared. I need him, Mira.” I choke on a sob. “I need Alexius, and I don’t know what I’d do if he’s no longer a part of my life. I love him so much, every part of me aches.”
“I know you do.” She smiles, reaching out and brushing away a tear on my jaw. “And everyone can see it. Everyone sees how much you love each other. Now, I don’t know what happened, and I respect that you don’t feel comfortable sharing it with me.”
“It’s not that I’m not comfortable with it,” I say. “I just…I don’t want to drag other people into our mess and cause more conflict within this family than I already have. Look what happened with Alexius and Isaia.”
“Stop.” She takes my hand, her eyes soft with sympathy. “Conflict is bound to happen when you have four, five male lions living under the same roof. It’s a cesspool of testosterone, and them going at each other’s throats is unavoidable. Don’t beat yourself up about it, okay? You need to start focusing on yourself. Take care of yourself. You have two babies growing inside you, and that’s what’s most important in this entire equation.” Her blonde hair slips down her shoulder as she leans her head to the side. “As I said, I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but you need to sort it out and find a way to get past it. You both owe it to the children you’ll be bringing into this world.”