ChapterFive
LEANDRA
It’s a miracle I’m still standing. It doesn’t matter how angry I am at Alexius or how much my heart bleeds, all it takes is a simple touch, and he disarms me in a way that leaves me without breath.
It’s madness. I should hate him. Be immune to his touch, his presence, the words that drip from his lips like honey. But instead, I’m standing here using every ounce of strength I have to fight this insane connection that keeps drawing me to him. It’s like there’s this invisible line we’re both linked to, and the harder I try to get more distance, the closer it pulls us together.
I wish I knew how to hate him. It would be so much easier. But the truth is I don’t. I don’t hate him. Not even a little. The anger is there. It’s in my blood, surging and raging every time I think about what he did. It’s just not strong enough to smother what I feel for him.
God. I think I’m borderline insane because from the moment he walked in, all I wanted was for him to just fucking take me as unapologetically as he always did. I wanted his touch to take away the uncertainty. I wanted him to kiss away the pain and fuck me until his betrayal no longer resonates through my heart. Why can’t it just be that simple?
“Jesus, Leandra,” I mutter, pulling my fingers through my hair, feeling pretty damn pathetic. What kind of woman am I for still wanting him after what he did?
The open door gives me a misleading sense of freedom. I’m not naive. I know I’m still trapped. My cage just got bigger.
Mira’s face pops into view, and I jolt, slapping my palm on my chest. “Mira. My God. You scared me.”
“I see he’s not keeping you locked up anymore.”
“Don’t let the open door fool you.” I grab a coat from the closet and pull on a pair of boots. “He won’t let me off the estate.”
“Where are you going?”
I wrap a black scarf around my neck. “I’ve been locked in this room for days. Right now, I want fresh air.”
“But it’s snowing outside. You’ll freeze to death.”
“I’ll be fine. I just want to go outside for a while.”
“Leandra.”
I’m almost at the door when she raises her voice.
“Leandra, stop.”
I still. “What, Mira?”
“I know you’re angry. I know you must hate him right now.”
I turn to face her. “I don’t hate him. And that’s the problem.” I slip on a pair of gloves. “It would be so much easier if I could hate him.”
Her expression softens, but her eyes flash with concern. “I need you to promise me something.”
“I can’t promise I won’t leave when I get the chance.”
“No. Not that.” She shakes her head and steps up, taking my gloved hands in hers. “Promise me that no matter how angry he makes you, how much you think you hate him—”
“I don’t hate him, Mira.”
“Just promise me, okay?” she presses. “Promise me that whatever happens, you won’t lose sight of what really matters. And that’s the little lives you’re carrying inside you. What you want, what Alexius wants is no longer relevant. What’s best for these babies is what matters the most.”
I’ve met all kinds of people working as a waitress. But I’ve never encountered someone whose heart is as pure as Mirabella’s. There’s a kindness in her that’s almost too good for this world. And it amazes me how she grew up in the Del Rossa world, yet her compassion remains untainted by it all.
I squeeze her hand before pulling her in for a hug. “I promise.”
“Good.” She brushes her palms across my shoulders before leaning back and smiling. “Now go dance in the snow, or whatever it is you want to do out there. I’ll have some hot cocoa waiting for you once you’re done freezing your ass off.”
Her smile is infectious, and I find myself smiling, too, even though my world has imploded, and it seems like things are only going to get worse.