A good day. He had just been thinking how heavy it was.
“Good,” he said.
“You seem less certain,” she said, putting her hand on his cheek.
“It’s not that I’m not certain,” he said. “It’s just a lot to take in.”
“Yeah. Well. Things are changing. But I think I didn’t realize how much I needed them to change.”
“You looked like such a happy kid,” he said, in spite of himself.
And he worried just then. If he would be able to make her as happy as she’d been in that picture. If he would be able to make their kid that happy. He didn’t know that he could do either thing.
“Yeah, I was,” she said. “Sometimes a sad kid. And sometimes an awful kid. Like all kids are.”
“Were you happy after she left?”
“It took a long time,” Violet said. “It took a long time to be happy again. But I am. I am and that’s...amazing. It’s amazing that any of us end up happy, isn’t it?”
He nodded. Happy. Was that what this was? He didn’t even know, but the feeling expanding in his chest felt sharp, and he was suspicious of it more than he was anything.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about that,” she said. “About happiness. About what it is. And whether or not it’s the most important thing. Well, about what it even means. When you’re a kid, it’s a feeling. Whether or not you want to smile. But it seems to me that everything good that happened to me in the last few weeks has made me want to cry a little bit, too. I just wonder if there’s a point where happiness isn’t that simple anymore. But I think it might be... I think it might be heavier, too.”
Heavy.
That was the word he’d been thinking of. That was a word that resonated inside him. “It’s just that I think when you’re a kid, and you’re spinning in the field, there’s happiness, and it’s real. It’s like... It’s easy. It doesn’t cost you anything. And you’re not afraid of what’s going to happen next. When you’re an adult, sometimes happiness is much harder won. But it goes so deep. And it becomes a part of who you are. Joy. And it can exist alongside fear. Sadness. All kinds of other things. It’s more, and it’s bigger, and it’s...worth the cost, I think.”
Heavy.
Yeah, he felt that. But he didn’t know if he agreed with her. Didn’t know if it was the same. But he just didn’t say anything. Instead, he just sat. They had hot chocolate and cookies. And she leaned her head against his shoulder as they rocked slowly on the porch swing.
“Wolf,” she said, her voice quiet. “I love you.”
The words were like a guillotine. Cutting off his breath. A clean slice that made it impossible for him to breathe or think or move.
And it threw him back. Right back.
I love you.
And silence.
A kiss on the forehead.
And the next morning she was gone.
I love you. He’d told her every day. Every single day. And it hadn’t been enough to keep her there.
Breanna, I love you.
Wolf, it doesn’t have to be that serious yet.
It doesn’t have to be but it is. I would never have... I would never have slept with you if I didn’t love you.
I... Wolf, I don’t want to be this... It’s been too intense.
Did we do anything you didn’t like?
It’s not that. I just... I didn’t want to be in a relationship this soon.