“Was. I was in love with him.”
Now I wasn’t sure I had the capacity to love. My heart was too damaged. Even though they had brought it back to life, it was still broken. And I wasn’t sure it would ever fully heal.
Some cracks were simply too deep to repair.
My mom and Nix were the only two people I’d had in the world, and I’d lost them on the same night. You didn’t walk away from that kind of trauma unscathed. No, it stayed with you. Intrinsically altered you.
“Yeah, but those feelings don’t just go away, Harleigh,” Celeste said, peeking over at me. “You know love and hate are two sides of the same coin. You can hate what he did to you but still love—”
“I don’t.”
“Okay, but—”
“It’s late and I’m getting tired,” I said, refusing to look at her. If she was going to push the Nix thing, I couldn’t be around her.
“Sorry. I’m prying and it’s not my place.”
“No, it isn’t.”
With a heavy sigh, Celeste climbed off the bed. “I didn’t mean to upset you. But I think Nix showing up tonight must mean something, and I think you’ll regret it one day if you don’t try to find out what.”
“You know. You’re pretty annoying sometimes,” I said.
“I can live with that so long as I know you’re not in here hurting yourself.”
“Celeste, I’m not—”
“Just promise me you won’t let this derail your progress.”
“I won’t, Dr. Rowe.”
She poked her tongue out at me. “Get some sleep. Good night, Harleigh.”
“Night, Celeste.” She slipped out of my room, the sudden silence deafening.
I pulled the pillow onto my lap and buried my fingers in the soft fibers, scratching back and forth.
Back and forth.
Nix was out there somewhere.
Not right outside or anything. But he was out there, on the other side of the reservoir. In The Row.
Seeing him had ripped away every defense I had built the last few months. He was one of my biggest triggers. His betrayal, at least. I’d mourned losing him. Grieved him right alongside losing my mom. But now he was back. Resurrected from my nightmares.
And all that was left was my bleeding heart and weary soul.
“What the hell happened to you?” Max gawked as I padded into the kitchen.
I ignored him, barely awake after a fitful night of broken sleep and haunted dreams. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw him.
Phoenix.
Sometimes he was standing there, arms open, wearing an easy smile. I would run, throwing myself at him and taking the comfort he was offering. Soaking it up. Basking in it. But other times, he was laughing. Dark, wicked laughter that made my stomach clench and shivers run down my spine. That Nix chased me. Hunted me through endless shadowy surroundings until he caught me and choked the life right out of me.
To say I’d woken exhausted was an understatement.
“Hey, weirdo, I’m talking to you,” Max sneered.