I nod toward her stomach. “Find out if it’s a boy or a girl?”
“I want to be surprised. Tyler would prefer certainty, but I reminded him nothing in life is certain.” She grins. “What about you? Are you sticking around in LA?”
“It’s as good a home base as any,” I say, shrugging. “I have the cash to get my own place and leave Beck alone.”
Between Ibiza, royalties, and more recent gigs, actual money is starting to pile up in my accounts.
“Beck says he never sees you.”
I cut her a look. “Harrison and I are dating. It’s getting serious.”
“You think? The man wouldn’t switch his breakfast cereal without a motive.”
I round on her. “I didn’t plan on this. He found out something that happened in my past, and I was so sure it would be the end, but it only made us closer.”
“What?”
I haven’t told anyone about this in years, but since the wedding, something in my chest has come loose, and I’m processing all these feelings. So, I fill my former roommate in on what happened with Zach, how I tried to bury it.
Her eyes shine with compassion, but she only puts a hand on my arm.
“If Harrison’s the reason you’re opening up about this, I’m glad.”
“He’s the reason for a lot of things,” I admit, thinking of last night and how it felt to let loose with him.
“Such as?”
“He makes me coffee,” I say bluntly.
Annie cocks her head. “And that’s bad?”
“He used to drink this terrible fucking coffee. Until I bought a better kind. And a French press. The first night I stayed over, he made it for me. The man has never cooked a day in his life, never so much as made his own tea. But he makes me coffee every day.”
“That’s really sweet.”
“This morning, I woke up, and my first thought wasn’t about the gig tonight or even seeing you. It was that I didn’t have a cup of coffee to drink knowing that he’d made it with his own damn hands.”
My exhale is heavy. “It’s like the more real I am, the more he gets me.”
“It’s awesome?”
“It’s fucking terrifying.”
“I know what it’s like to have someone see you, Rae. And I wish I could tell you that fear goes away, but it just changes. Hell, we’re married, but there are still moments I’m terrified to lose Tyler. Not because I don’t believe in him, but because I don’t believe in me. Or I don’t believe we deserve everything we have. There’s only one thing I know for sure.”
“What’s that?”
“You’re a performer. Whatever you feel, use it.”
When I get ready for my show that night, I pick out a low-cut black top and tight pants with killer boots. Then I flip through my wigs, holding up one after another in the mirror.
None match my mood.
I stare at my reflection. Dark liner, top and bottom, frames my eyes. Thick eyelashes. A tube of plum lipstick waits on the dresser.
I reach for a lip balm instead. My lips are dry from chewing on them.
Little Queen is me, and she isn’t. At the time, I thought I created her because I wanted a place to feel free and safe to experiment.