He didn’t mean anything by the statement, but the guilt rattling around inside me flared to life. I’d run, but Hayes had stayed. He’d done all the things that should’ve been my job as the eldest son. He’d needed help, but I’d been nowhere to be found.
“How do you think Shiloh’s doing?” I asked the question before I could swallow the words. Hayes and I hadn’t had much time together without other listening ears present.
The humor lacing Hayes’ expression melted away. “Shy’s strong. She can handle anything that comes her way.”
I knew our sister was strong—stronger than she ever should’ve had to be. But I wanted to know how she really was. Her kidnapping when she was ten had changed her. The aftermath of her return had snuffed out my vivacious little sister’s light. She’d turned in on herself.
Hayes’ eyes narrowed on me. “Don’t like where your head’s at, Beck.”
I blanked my expression and leaned back in my chair. “And where’s that?”
“Blaming yourself for a whole bunch of shit that isn’t your fault. I’ve been there, and it’s a dark road.”
“I don’t blame myself for the kidnapping.”
Hayes arched a brow in question.
“I don’t,” I assured him. Well, I didn’t on a good day. My parents had tasked me with watchin
g Shy when we went to the fair. Instead, I’d pawned her off onto Hayes so I could go make out with Cynthia Edwards on the Ferris wheel. By the time I’d gotten off the ride, the fairgrounds had been in a panic, and Shiloh had been gone.
“You sure about that?” Hayes asked, searching for any hint of a lie in my words.
“Don’t get me wrong; I’ll always have guilt about what happened. It’s impossible not to. It eats me up inside, knowing what she’s been through. But I know the only person to blame is a sick man who’s now in jail.”
“Then what’s got you so twisted up inside? There a reason getting you back into Wolf Gap city limits is like pulling teeth?”
“I blame myself for leaving afterwards.” I hadn’t stuck around for more than three months after Shiloh returned. I’d changed my college plans from a school a couple of hours away to one clear across the country. I’d gone straight into medical school, did my residency, and then moved on to my post with Aid International.
I couldn’t face the number Shiloh’s kidnapping had done on my family. My mom had been a wreck, crying every time one of her children left the house. Dad barely held the rest of us together. And I’d known that one stupid choice had led to it all.
Hayes leaned forward, meeting my gaze dead-on. “We were all a mess. Not a single one of us dealt with what happened in a healthy way. No one blames you for wanting to take a break from it all.”
“I left all of you in a mess and pretended that nothing had happened. That’s lower than low in my book.” And the more time that passed, the easier it became to stay away.
Hayes shrugged. “You’re back now.”
I looked around the office that had no hint of me putting down roots. That needed to change. Maybe Mom would back off if she saw more of that. Hopefully, my house getting built would help. “I am back. And I’m not bailing on you this time.”
Hayes shook his head. “I don’t want you here because of some messed-up sense of obligation. I want you here because you’re my brother, and I like having your sorry ass around.”
The corner of my mouth kicked up. “You’ve got piss-poor taste in who you want around.”
“Maybe so, but I’m sticking with it anyway.”
“Glad to hear it. What’d you come by for anyway? Just to psychoanalyze me?”
“That’ll be two-fifty for our session,” he quipped.
I let out a low whistle. “Too pricey for me.”
“I’ll take a beer on Friday.”
“Deal.”
Hayes sat back in his chair. “I came by to tell you that I found you a place to live.”
“Seriously? No more Mom in my underwear drawer or asking me if I drank my milk today?”