He handed me a mug. “Morning.”
I cleared my throat, forcing my attention to his face. “Morning. Were you able to get some sleep?”
“Some. I think the tea helped. I’m still going to need an extra dose of good stuff this morning, though.”
“Caffeine does help in emergency situations.”
“Or just everyday situations.”
I took a sip of the coffee and then set the mug on the island. “True enough. I was going to make some scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast. Would you like some?”
Beckett looked at me with what I could only describe as puppy dog eyes. “With cheese?”
I couldn’t hold in my laugh. “Sure. I can make them with cheese.”
“I’ll get pizza for us for dinner tonight. Veggie lovers.” He made a slight gagging noise.
“A vegetable won’t kill you.”
“It has a million vegetables.”
I rolled my eyes and went to work whisking the eggs.
Beckett was silent for a few beats. “I had an idea I wanted to run by you.”
Something about the hesitancy in his tone had alarm bells going off in my head, but I kept moving, pouring the egg and cream mixture into a heating pan, and grabbing the cheddar cheese from the fridge. “Okay.”
“My friend Holt works in private security. He’s got a gift when it comes to finding people. I want to ask him to look for your mom.”
I froze, cheese and grater over the pan. “I can’t afford something like that.”
“I saved his life. He owes me a few favors.”
I grated the cheese onto the eggs and slowly mixed everything. As I did, I ran through everything in my mind. I knew that finding my mother would likely be more complicated than doing an internet search. I remembered hearing my father talk with two of the men who worked most closely with him about his frustration with her not showing up in searches for her name—married or maiden.
Beckett moved in closer, leaning a hip against the counter as I plated the eggs. “Addie. I wouldn’t go to Holt if I didn’t trust him with my life. He’s a brother. Not of blood, but of fire. I know his character. He’ll want to help however he can.”
I pulled the bread from the toaster and began buttering it. “It’s not fair to ask him to do it for free. I owe so many people things I’ll never be able to repay—”
“Not true. You’ve been shown kindness, yes, but you pay that kindness forward every day. I know all of the people who have helped would ask for nothing more.”
My throat burned. I wanted to give back. To pour out some of the generosity that had been lavished on me into the world, but I hadn’t done nearly enough.
Beckett reached out as if he might lay a hand on my shoulder but then stopped himself, dropping his arm back to his side. “You’ll have more and more chances to keep paying it forward. You just have to be open to them.”
I turned to face him. “I want to find her.” I had so many questions. So much anger burning inside me. Sometimes, it felt as if it would engulf me in flames. I had to release it.
“I’ll call him when I get to work.”
My stomach gave a healthy flip. An image of my mother, older, with gray around her hairline, came into my head. As much as I wanted the truth and needed her to know how her actions had hurt me, I wasn’t sure if I was ready. A million possibilities ran through my head, each one with the potential to slice at my already shredded heart.
Beckett moved even closer, his hands fisting at his sides as if he were using sheer force of will to keep from touching me. “What is it?”
“She could have another family now.” My voice cracked on the words, an image of her holding other children, kissing a husband who never hit or berated her. A picture of her having the life I’d always longed to be a part of, but never came close to experiencing.
A muscle in Beckett’s jaw ticked. “It’s possible.”
I slumped against the counter. “I’m a horrible human being.”