Addie set her mug down with a clatter. “It wasn’t even her fault. She had to go.”
“That doesn’t change the hurt that was left behind.”
“Or the jealousy. I would’ve given anything to escape with her.”
“I wish you could’ve.” There were lots of things I wished I could change about my life, but there was nothing I wanted more than for Addie to not have experienced the hell she’d lived through.
“It’s one of the things I want to tell my mom.”
She said the words so softly, I barely made them out. “What?”
“That she should’ve taken me with her. No judge in the world would’ve awarded even shared custody to my father. But she just left me behind. I can still remember the last words she said to me: I’m so sorry, Little Mouse.” Addie shoved off the counter and started to pace. “I don’t want her sorry. Or the locket she left. Or her stupid letter.”
“What do you want?”
Addie spun to face me. “I want to know why. I want her to feel a fraction of the pain I’ve lived through. I want—” A little of the fight went out of her body. “I want her to undo it. But she can’t. It’s impossible, the damage has been done. Yet, I still want it.”
“I’m sure she hates herself for it.” I’d never known Addie’s mother, but I couldn’t imagine the weight one would carry after leaving a child, especially in a situation like the one Addie had been raised in.
“I don’t want her to hate herself for it, but I do want her to know how I feel.” Her jaw set as she began moving again, this time her pacing a little slower. “I’ve kept so much of what I’ve felt buried for so long. I didn’t have any other choice. I’m not doing it anymore.”
“Good. You should start now. How did you really feel when Hayes asked you if I could move in here?”
Addie’s lips twitched. “It wasn’t Hayes who asked. It was Everly.”
“And?”
“I wanted to dump the cookies she brought over on her head.” Addie’s hand flew to her mouth, and her eyes bugged.
I barked out a laugh. “Don’t go wasting perfectly good cookies.”
Addie’s hand dropped away, and she met my gaze. “I was scared. I shouldn’t have been. But I was.”
“There aren’t shouldn’t-have-beens when it comes to feelings. I’m realizing that the more we stuff them down, the worse it is when they cut loose.”
Those hazel eyes felt as if they were peering into my soul. “The nightmare.”
An image of Shiloh’s face as she crumpled to the floor flashed in my mind. “I’ve been avoiding dealing with some things. It’s time I looked at them head-on. It’s part of why I’m home.”
“Maybe we can tackle our lists together.”
“Maybe we can.”
The idea of having Addie along for the ride made me feel less alone than I had been in a long time.
11
ADDIE
The next morning, I didn’t let myself linger in my bedroom while Beckett made breakfast and left. I forced myself to face him, even though our nighttime confessions had me feeling a little wary of seeing him in the light of day. I smoothed my sweater over the jeans Laiken had assured me were fine to wear to work and headed downstairs.
“Want coffee?” Beckett called as I reached the bottom step.
“Sure. Thank you.”
I walked into the kitchen, and my breath caught in my throat. Beckett’s hair was still damp from the shower, the ends curling slightly. His button-down shirt clung to his broad shoulders in a total juxtaposition to the leather jacket slung over the stool at the island.