I pushed to my feet and grabbed my camera bag from my bedroom. In under a minute, I had the lens I wanted. One that was perfect for the low light of the cabin. The gray skies had continued all day, and even now that night had fallen, the snow wasn’t showing any signs of letting up.
“Scoot back a few feet, closer to the fire.”
Boden did as I instructed.
“Turn a little this way.” I made a motion with my hand.
The light from the fire hit his face just right, the glow an orangey gold that mirrored what I always felt coming from Boden. I snapped a quick shot to test my settings.
“Wait, I wasn’t ready.”
A smile teased my lips. “It was just a test shot to see the light and settings.”
“Oh.” He paused for a moment, studying me. “What do you typically tell your models?”
“We usually just talk.”
“About?”
“I’ve usually approached them because I can sense a sort of pain in them.” I toyed with the strap on my camera. “That sounds awful.”
“No, it doesn’t.” Boden shifted his weight so that he was leaning to one side, closer to me. “You felt a kindredness. You wanted to bring that pain to light.”
“You don’t think it’s taking advantage?”
“Do you push people who don’t want to talk to you or have their photo taken?”
“No.”
Boden brushed his hair out of his face. “I knew that without even asking. You’ve given people a chance to get their pain out. A safe space to do that in whatever way they’re comfortable with.”
My chest tightened at his words, at the knowledge that Boden understood me. And not just what I was trying to achieve with my art but also my heart. “You want to go there with me?”
A hint of apprehension passed through those hazel eyes. “Yes.”
That word alone was a gift. I raised my camera, balancing my arms on my knees where I sat on the floor. “You get to choose what you let out. Hold an image of something in your mind. Something you want to release.”
Boden’s eyes moved back and forth as if he were going through a catalogue of images in his mind. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “Okay.”
“Just hold it there. Lightly in your mind. Focus on the details. One thing at a time.”
I pressed my finger down on the shutter. Boden jolted slightly with the first click but soon grew accustomed to the sound. I shifted positions, trying different angles. I could see hints of the emotion swirling beneath the surface, but it wasn’t enough. He still had a stranglehold on it.
“Talk me through what you see,” I said softly.
“Carissa.” Boden’s voice was raw. “How she was when we were growing up. When we fell into that puppy love. Where we always should’ve stayed.”
My heart ached for that loss. The innocence that had been stolen in so many ways.
“Paint the picture for me.”
“We’re at my parents’ place in Big Sur. She came with us sometimes in the summers. She’s standing at the cliffs. Her hair’s blowing behind her, those blond strands wild on the wind. Then she glances over her shoulder. It’s the happiest I’ve ever seen her.”
Boden struggled to get the next words out. “I don’t know why she couldn’t stay that way. If it was something I did. Some way that I failed her.”
The first hint of true pain slipped free. I pressed down on the shutter. “You didn’t fail her.”
A different sort of flame licked through Boden’s irises. Ones that spoke of deep-seated anger. “You don’t know that.”