Laiken’s fingers twisted tighter in my jacket. “We were so young. And I sometimes wonder if we were only meant to be best friends. Wonder if that was our destiny. Then I feel like a traitor for even having that thought.”
It was as if she’d ripped the words from my soul. I knew that battle so well. “It’s like what you had was meant to stay in that innocent part of your lives. The time before the world got complicated, and everything changed.”
“Exactly. I know that Jase would’ve always been in my life. That I would’ve always loved him—”
“But it was a different kind of love.”
Laiken’s eyes searched mine. “Carissa?”
I nodded. “We turned our relationship into something ugly when it started out so beautiful. We twisted it, trying to force it into a mold it didn’t fit in anymore. I would give anything now to have let her go.”
Laiken’s fingers released my jacket, and she took my hands. Her skin was petal-soft. Her bones so delicate. “Her death isn’t your fault.”
Not in an exact sort of way. But it was. I’d brought the darkness that was Eli into her orbit. Sometimes, I wished I would’ve chosen to sit by someone else that day in kindergarten when we became friends. Then, maybe Carissa’s light would still be shining.
Laiken squeezed my hands hard. “It’s not.”
“It’s complicated.”
“It always is. You think I don’t carry around scars of guilt? It was my bright idea to leave the lake we were at and go to the party that Jase’s brother was throwing. I just had to make sure Jax was under control. So obsessed with making sure the family I’d become a part of didn’t fall apart like mine.”
I felt a twisting sensation deep in my chest. As if the flesh and organs were tying themselves in knots. “Deciding to drive from one place to another doesn’t put the blame on your shoulders.”
“No, it doesn’t. The blame lies with the man who decided to smoke meth and get behind the wheel of his truck. But that doesn’t mean the what-ifs don’t haunt me—so many I could drown in them.”
I pulled Laiken into my arms again, my face finding the crook of her neck. I knew what it was to drown in those questions. To barely be able to find the air to suck into your lungs.
Laiken let out a shuddering breath. “I really should go. It’s getting dark—”
“Stay with me tonight.” The words were out before I could stop them. “There’s a second bedroom in my cabin.” She was quiet, not moving or speaking. “I really don’t feel like being alone tonight.”
Too many ghosts had been stirred up. And the idea of Laiken going back to an empty apartment when someone might be looking to hurt her? It was almost more than I could take.
“Okay.” Laiken said the word almost inaudibly, but I felt it form against my neck, her warm breath raising the tiny hairs there.
“I’ll lead the way. Stay close.”
14
Laiken
Dumb.Dumb. Dumb. This was so monumentally stupid, yet I kept following behind Boden’s truck as we curved around the mountain roads. Because if I were honest, I didn’t want to be alone tonight, either. I wanted to know that someone was close by. Not that he could save me from the demons battering at my door, but at least I didn’t have to face them in solitude.
Boden came to a stop in front of a massive gate and rolled down his window, swiping something over a keypad. The gates began to open. I’d known Ramsey lived in this general area, but I certainly had never been out here. I would’ve given anything for a little light to see the space. I had to imagine that he had amazing views. They would make for some killer photos.
I followed Boden’s truck over the gravel road until he pulled up to a cabin. I took the spot next to him and stared up at the building. It was rustic yet impeccably designed at the same time. And it fit perfectly with the landscapes of eastern Oregon.
My door opened, and I fought not to jump.
“Not having second thoughts, are you?”
I looked up at the handsome face in front of me with its jaw seemingly carved out of stone and eyes that cut you to the quick. “Of course, I am.”
“Too late.” Boden moved to the back passenger door, opening it and scooping Gizmo into his arms. He grabbed my belongings from back there, as well. “Let’s go. I have frozen pizza inside.”
“Should’ve known you’d be bossy. A movie star used to getting his way.”
Boden chuckled, the sound skating over my skin and creating a pleasant shiver. He started up the steps, pulling out his keys. “Might be a little spoiled.”