The place was a mess, pizza boxes and beer cans strewn across the coffee table. A blanket rumpled in the corner of the couch told me Toby had likely crashed right there.
“Sorry,” he mumbled. “Jinx came over last night.”
I was sure Jinx had helped Toby drown his sorrows. Normally, I would’ve been there, too, an extra shoulder and listening ear, but things were changing.
I moved into the small kitchen, grabbing the first-aid kit I kept stocked for them from below the sink. “Come here.” I started the water, and Toby stuck his hand under the flow. I tore off a couple of paper towels and patted his hand dry. Toby winced. “Do you think you need an x-ray?”
He flexed his fingers, grimacing. “No. It’ll be swollen, but it’s not broken.”
When you took as many falls as we did, you could tell what was a break and what was a bruise. I inclined my head to one of the stools at the kitchen island. “Sit.”
He did as I told him and rested his hand on the counter. I opened an alcohol wipe. “This is going to sting.”
“I deserve it.”
“You kind of do.” I lightly swiped the pad across Toby’s knuckles, and he hissed. “What’s going on with you anyway?”
“I don’t know, man. Things are changing, and I just want them to stay the same. Life is good the way it is.”
A pang lit along my sternum at the almost boyish tone to Toby’s voice. “There’s only one constant about life: it’ll always change. Nothing stays the same forever.”
“I guess,” he grumbled. “I’m sorry I was an asshole. I just hate the idea of Calder getting the chance to hurt you again.”
Toby had always been protective. He’d once knocked a guy out for slapping my butt at a skate park.
I spread some antibiotic ointment across his knuckles and covered it with gauze. Then popped one of the instant ice packs and handed it to Toby. “I appreciate that you don’t want me to get hurt, but you can’t protect me from everything. The whole reason we started doing what we do was to feel that rush of being alive. It comes with risks, and I’m okay with that.”
He looked up and met my gaze. “Even if he breaks your heart again?”
I shuddered at the thought, at how crushed I’d been the last time around. If it happened again, it’d flatten me. But I couldn’t stop moving forward. It was too late, anyway, I was already gone. Head over heels for a man who’d grown to mean everything to me. “I’ll find a way to deal with it if it happens.”
“I hope you’re right.”
I glanced at the clock on the wall. “I need to get going, or I’m going to be late for work.”
“Sure. Thanks for—” Toby held up his hand.
“Of course.” I didn’t move towards the door for a moment. “Are we going to be okay?”
He nodded, but the movement was jerky. “Of course, we are.”
Something in Toby’s tone didn’t quite ring true. It had a stinging sensation hitting my nose. He and Jinx had been my partners in crime for years. I didn’t want to lose them. “When your hand’s feeling better, we’ll go for a ride.”
“Sure. Now, get out of here before you get fired.”
I sent him a smile that I knew was forced, but it was the best I had. I made my way out of the apartment and down the stairs to the bike shop. The stinging in my nose intensified as I swallowed back tears. I didn’t even notice the figure ahead of me on the street.
“Hadley.”
My head snapped up. “Mom.”
She studied me, her eyes narrowing as she focused on my face. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, just running late for work.”
“You should make sure—” She cut herself off. “I’ll let you go, then. Maybe we could talk later this week?”
I looked at the woman in front of me, and my chest physically ached as if it were holding all the hurts and disappointments that had built up over twenty-four years. It didn’t change that I knew part of her loved me, in the same way I would always love her. But I couldn’t be around her, not when it built up more of that pain that I would have to carry around with me every day.