The leather on my steering wheel creaked, and I made myself loosen my grip. I didn’t blame Hadley. That wasn’t what I had meant at all. I shifted in my seat as I made the turn towards town. But I could see how she might think I did.
I blamed Jackie, and I blamed myself. Hadley had been my escape back then. When my marriage was a disaster, and everything felt as if it were falling apart, I’d needed her. Her friendship and that hit of adrenaline that reminded me that my life wasn’t over. That I had so much to live for.
I couldn’t help but wonder if all of my time away had allowed Jackie’s addiction to fester. Had I simply not wanted to see the signs? We’d been like two ships passing in the night by that point. Even though we lived in the same house, we’d been more like separated parents sharing custody, passing the girls off to one another as we went. I’d taken to sleeping in the guest room, and she hadn’t argued.
The fields and ranch lands around Hadley’s home slowly turned to neighborhoods as I made my way to town. My fingers drummed against the wheel, my muscles feeling twitchy. Too much memory lane and the look of hurt on Hadley’s face. No, ofbetrayal. And I’d put it there.
I needed a run. Since the girls were gone for the night, I could do it outside. I’d run until I no longer felt Hadley’s pull. Until the temptation to ask her to chase the stars with me wasn’t quite so strong. It might take hours, but I’d get there.
I turned off the main drag and made my way towards home. By the time I reached my street, my skin felt too tight for my body. The itchiness distracted me, didn’t let me see that someone was sitting on my front steps.
I’d climbed out of my SUV and headed up the front walk when she stood. My steps didn’t falter, they halted altogether. Her auburn hair and the tilt of her head had a memory crashing into me.
The fire truck pulled to the side of the road, engines blaring. We poured out of the vehicle, one after the other, searching for the car. A passing motorist had called it in but had said they couldn’t reach the station wagon to see if everyone was okay.
“It’s down there,” a woman called. “Oh, God. It’s awful.”
We hurried to the edge of the ravine. It wasn’t especially deep, but the slope was nasty.
Everything in me froze when I caught sight of the car. How many maroon station wagons were there in Wolf Gap? There was only one I’d ever recalled catching sight of, and that was the one parked in my driveway every night.
I made some sort of strangled sound and started over the edge. It wasn’t logical. All I could think was that I had to get to my girls.
Mac caught hold of my arm, pulling me back. “You can’t, Cruz. We have to do this safe.”
“Get off me!” I bellowed.
Mac’s grip didn’t loosen, and I moved to take a swing at him. Anything to get free. Anything to get to Birdie and Sage.
McNally cursed and grabbed my other arm. “Calm the hell down. What’s gotten into you?”
Mac met his gaze over my shoulder. “That’s his wife’s car.”
The next few minutes, hours, and days were patchy when it came to my memories. Some were as vivid as if they’d happened two minutes ago. Others, I’d lost altogether.
But I’d never forget that Jackie had been laughing as they’d brought her up the side of the ravine on a stretcher. Laughing, even though blood trickled from her hairline. Laughing because she was high as a kite. Nothing would stop that laughter. Not even the fact that she’d almost killed our daughters.
And now, she was standing on my front steps.
“Calder,” she said softly.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I could’ve had the girls with me. Nine times out of ten, I did. Birdie and Sage barely remembered their mother. I’d done my best to explain what had happened in a way that was truthful but didn’t do unnecessary damage.
They had glimpses of memories of being in the hospital. Especially Sage, who had been there for almost a month. And they knew that it was their mother who had put them there. I’d had to explain why she was gone. Equating prison to a time-out for a four-year-old was a challenge.
They almost never asked about her. When they did, it was usually around Mother’s Day. Schools lacked some serious empathy when it came to kids in single-parent households. It had always been Hadley or Julia who had stepped in to attend the school events that required a mother. Not even my mom, who had already taken off for Florida with my dad to live the cushy retirement life.
Jackie toyed with the zipper on her purse. “I came to talk to you.”
I took stock of the woman in front of me. I knew she was beautiful, at least to the average passerby. Long, auburn hair curled around her shoulders. She had curves for days and startling green eyes. But nothing in me stirred.
“Why?”
She swallowed. “I want to see Birdie and Sage.”
I was silent, but my blood turned to hot lava. How dare she? After the accident, I had filed for sole legal and physical custody with zero visitation. The courts had granted my request. For all intents and purposes, Birdie and Sage were my daughters and mine alone.
“No.”