“Why is it only me you’re so fixated on? Hayes puts himself at risk every day he puts on that badge and gun. Beckett is in the trenches in war-torn countries. But you never say a thing about either of them.”
Mom’s spine stiffened. “Those are their jobs. They are doing them in service of others. You’re just—just—”
“Doing something for myself? How dare I?”
She looked pleadingly at Calder. “You need to explain to her why she can’t do this.”
“I can’t,” Calder said. His tone was flat; no emotion in it at all. “Hadley is a grown woman. She knows the risks, and she knows the rewards. I won’t force her to be someone she’s not.”
The briefest flicker of doubt swept through me, wondering if a part of him wished I could be that someone else. If he hoped that maybe I would lose interest in all the things that made him worry. The back of my throat burned.
My mom turned to Hayes. “Surely, you have something to say.”
“Mom, we all take risks every day. Somehow, in your mind, you think some are acceptable, and others aren’t. There’s no truth in that. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. You have to let Hadley be free to live her life the way she sees fit.”
My hands fisted at my sides, nails digging into my palms. I was desperate for that bite of pain, anything to take me away from the scene in front of me.
Mom shoved her phone into her pocket and brushed the hair out of her face. I could see her putting the pieces of her armor back in place, becoming the picture of composure. “Hayes is right. You’re free to live your life however you choose. But I don’t have to sit around and watch it. It’s too much. I won’t look on as you rip another family apart.”
Her gaze met Calder’s. “Don’t put your girls through this. Don’t put yourself through it. It’ll end in disaster. You three have been through enough already. Protect yourself and them the way I couldn’t protect my family.”
Every word cut as if she carved each letter into my skin. Bringing pain that would leave a permanent scar. “Mom,” I whispered. “Don’t do this.”
Her head snapped in my direction. “You’re free to make your choices, Hadley, but so are the rest of us. And you’ll have to live with the consequences.”
With that, she turned and strode to her truck. She didn’t storm off or slam the door. She calmly got behind the wheel and drove away. But she left wreckage in her wake.
41
Calder
Blood roared in my ears.A thundering pulse that created a sort of tunnel. The only thing I could hear was Julia’s words.Don’t put your girls through this. Don’t put yourself through this.
Hadley stood there, watching her mother drive away. She wasn’t crying, but the pain was carved into her face. It was so deep, I didn’t know what could ever erase it.
I pulled her into my arms. She came willingly, her face pressed to my chest. I stroked a hand over her hair as I held her to me. I met Hayes’ gaze as I did. He was ravaged, too. He ran a hand through his hair, tugging harshly on the ends as he stepped away to give Hadley and me some privacy.
Their family was being destroyed from the inside out, and I didn’t know if anything could fix it. The shattered pieces were so small, I wasn’t sure they could be glued back together. And it wasn’t for lack of love. It was because fear drowned out that love—for both Julia and Hadley.
Julia was petrified to once again experience the pain she’d felt when Shiloh had been taken. Hadley was terrified that she would be trapped, never able to breathe freely again. Neither of them was wrong at the root of it, but I couldn’t see how they would ever find middle ground.
Hadley let out a shuddering breath, straightening in my hold. “Did she get to you?”
“What?”
“What she said, did it get to you?”
The question pissed me off, sending sparks of heat cascading through muscle and sinew. “I love you.”
Hadley’s throat worked as she swallowed. “I know you do. Is that enough?”
I slid a hand along her jaw. “It’s always enough.” God, I prayed it would be, that I wasn’t making the biggest mistake of my life. Because I couldn’t imagine being without Hadley. She had been a part of me long before I realized that was even the case.
“Then why do you look as if you’re in pain?”
Sometimes, it sucked that Hadley could read me so damn well. “I see where she’s coming from—” I kept hold of Hadley as she tried to pull back. “Though not in the way she’s expressing it. But I do understand that fear. I’ve lived it. Nothing is more terrifying than the fear you’ll lose your child. Nothing. They were yours to care for and protect, and when the worst happens, and you aren’t there to do that…it can break something inside you.”
Tears welled in Hadley’s eyes. “So, I’m supposed to live in a bubble for the rest of my life, so you two don’t have to worry?”