“Okay. Merr?”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t let this ruin all of your progress. She’s not worth it.”
“I know.”
“Okay. Bye.”
I peered out the window from my couch in the living room, looking around for any unfamiliar cars parked nearby. Mounds of snow were piled high along the curb. The usual vehicles were parked in their usual spots. Everything looked as it did before my mother showed up at my doorstep. Still, I felt uneasy.
Claire was a tornado. She came out of nowhere, and destroyed everything in her path before disappearing into thin air. If all the storm trackers in the world still couldn’t predict a tornado, there was no way anybody would be able to understand Claire. I didn’t want to waste my time trying.
Shelly’s reminder about all of the progress I had made echoed in my mind as I sat. Just six months ago, I was waking up in the hospital after a head-on collision with a tree; my father had ended his life, and I was left in a deep pit of despair. A golden-haired boy changed all of that. With his loving heart, and the most gentle of hands, he brought down all of my walls and showed me how to smile again. After the passing of his own father, the man who pulled me from the fiery car wreck to give me a second chance at life, our turbulent times were behind us. Life finally felt normal – I was happy. It was typical that Claire would come back and challenge all of that.
My eyelids felt heavy as I watched cars pass by on the slushy street below. It felt like I had only closed my eyes for a second, but when I opened them again, the streetlights were on outside. I picked my head up and noticed Chase stretched out on the opposing couch watching a muted television.
“What time is it?” I asked, rubbing my eyes.
“Just after six.” He reached his arm out for me, and I stood, taking his hand. He pulled me down on top of him, wrapping his arms around me.
“Why didn’t you wake me?”
“You were totally knocked out. I figured you needed to rest.” He kissed the top of my head. “That was a lot to take in. Are you okay?”
“I’ll be fine. I don’t want to waste any more time discussing it.” I lifted my head off of his chest and pressed my lips against his. Warm and inviting, they were exactly what I wanted to lose myself in. When I kissed Chase, the entire world faded away. The thoughts in my head were overpowered by the warm feeling that swept throughout my entire body. I positioned myself on top of him and lost my fingers in his soft hair, kissing him over and over.
“Don’t try to avoid the subject,” he said against my mouth. “Your powers of persuasion won’t work on me.”
I slipped my hand inside of his boxers. “I beg to differ.”
He exhaled as I kissed him again. “No fair.”
“Looks like my powers might work on you after all.”
“You play dirty.” In one swoop, he stood with me in his arms and carried me into the bedroom.
We spent the duration of the night in my bed. Neither Chase nor I brought up going to California. We did not speak about Claire’s visit. He knew from experience that it was best to let me stew in my own thoughts until I was ready to discuss them. He understood what I needed, and did not make me feel guilty about it. It was one of the things I loved most about him.
Long after Chase had fallen asleep, I remained awake, staring up at the ceiling. My mind kept replaying the scene outside my front door. I had always been level-headed. I learned early on to internalize my emotions, reacting in my head instead of lashing out. Today, I acted like someone I did not recognize. I took all the years of built up anger and resentment towards my mother, and hurled them at her on my doorstep.
I was baffled by the same questions everyone else had: Why is she back? What does she want? Why did she leave eight years ago? Admittedly, I was too afraid to listen to the answer. I knew that hearing Claire’s explanation would be anticlimactic, regardless of what the reason was; hearing her explanation would not undo the years of torment she caused my father, and it would not give me back my childhood that she had taken with her when she left. Claire’s side of the story would only make me feel worse, like rubbing salt in an open wound. It was safer for me to bury my head in the sand, and pretend like nothing ever happened.
Shelly,unlike Chase, always took a more aggressive approach when dealing with my avoidant behaviors. When we met up for dinner the next day, I knew I was going to have to face her firing squad of questions. I went home to shower after work, and met her at the campus cafeteria after her class let out.
“Have you started packing?” she asked.
“I would pack if I was going somewhere.”
“Aren’t you?”
I shrugged.
“Just say it, and put me out of my misery. You have already made up your mind. You know it, and I know it.”
I pushed the fried rice around my plate. I scanned the cafeteria, remembering the last time I had been here – the fateful day when Chase first approached me. Looking back on all that had happened, it seemed like a lifetime ago.
“What are you smiling about?”