“I was raped!” I stand, knocking the chair over, my words slashing like a knife. “There was no seducing!”
My anger boils at my mother’s ill-intentions and misguided truths. She wanted to believe that her daughter would speak out the first time it happened, but she doesn’t want to be burdened by the full story.
“Ye have not a clue how I would beg each time for him to stop, or for the pain to be enough to make me pass out, and if it did, I’d wake up with more burns. I was too afraid of him following through with killing Gran or Patrick, the man killed my cat; they were innocent in all this. I thought to end my life at one point but knew I couldn’t leave Gran, I had to endure the torture so his plans wouldn’t change.”
“Lies. All lies.” She dismisses.
“How would ye bloody well ken? Ye were never home. Ye should have been watching yer daughter.” Patrick stands up for me, banging his fist on the table then standing next to me, Alexander following suit and pulling me into his side. “Lili let’s go. Ye dinnae deserve this feckin’ shite!”
Tamara has a hand to her mouth, a sense she might be ill.
“Stop this! Right this second!” Gran interjects, “this is supposed to be a grand day of celebration, not filled with hate.”
I take a deep breath in then let it out, my hands trembling, “I have the constant reminder, well over one hundred of them. He damn well ken what he was doing each time he forcibly took me. Pissed or not, it was his favorite game.”
I tried to quash the tears but alas I wasn’t strong enough.
My mother rolls her eyes, annoyed as she snaps, “that wasn’t the Isaac I knew, he would never have done such accusations. He is a good man, and you put him in jail.”
“Guinevere, that’s enough.” Raymond tries reigning in his wife.
I’m unsure if this is pent up opinions after all these years for Guinevere, or if it’s the champagne talking, either way, she is out of turn.
“Lili, dear.” Gran starts but I hold up a hand.
I need to get this off my chest, Isaac is not going to control my life a moment longer.
Life is too short.
My body relaxed when I spoke the vile truth next, my tone taking on a monotone aspect as the tears continued to fall.
“I was raped. This went on for three straight years, by the man ye allowed into our home, who we all grew to trust, whoyesupposedly loved but were never there for. He molested me, sodomized me, physically abused my body, made me ill, did what he wanted, when he wanted. I will never forgive him for what he has done. The people who have to watch me go through it, they ken,the ken the truth.” I shook my head trying to grasp my chaotic thoughts, “Ye couldn’t see it, wouldn’t acknowledge that yer own daughter needed her mother.” I scoffed, “ye didn’t care about me then, and ye sure as hell still don’t.”
“Do not say those dastardly words.” She snarls and wipes a forced tear from her cheek, “Isaac is a good man.” She had the nerve to sniffle then.
I tried, really tried to fight the urge not to battle her. I was losing the battle. She is not my mother. This is the end for us.
“Ye heard the doctors and how they could not believe I endured everything I had for so long. *Breaking* They all said there is a good chance I will never have children, so there you go. Ye must be happy; it’s the karma ye feel I deserve. But hear this mother, if I am to be blessed with the ability of carrying Alexander’s children, ye best believe ye will never be part of their lives. Until ye can open yer eyes at the truth in front of ye, I see no need for ye to be in my life. I’m done. Goodbye, Guinevere.”
I rounded the turned over chair and kept my gaze downcast. Raymond stood and blocked Guinevere from my path, ready to intervene if I planned to lash out physically at her.
There was no need. I wouldn’t waste the energy on her.
Patrick and Alexander followed my movements and assumed embracing me. I took in a deep breath and allowed their touch to wash over my body, bring calm to me, hold me up when I feel as if my world could crash at any second. I turn to Gran as she stood, my main reason for coming here today, “apologies, Gran, but I’m not wanted, and need to leave.”
Home.I need to go back to Buffalo. I cannot stand being in this city a second longer.
“Lili please,” Gran weeps, tears in her eyes.
Tamara wraps herself around Gran to hold her up. She knew I had to do this. This has been a longtime coming.
“Thank ye for the meal, Gran. I love ye and will be in touch. Tamara, I’ll see ye at the flat.” I let out a breath, “tell Sadie I love her.”
My eight-year-old sister is the one caught in the entangled mess between our mother and me. I will not recuse myself from her life just because of this. She is my sister; she needs support in all this too. I never had or mother, while Sadie has complained about having too much. She feels suffocated.
A visit to her sister’s flat in Buffalo might, be an ocean, it should the trick.
Alexander and I made it back to my flat ten minutes later and ended up on the sofa. We sat in silence, wrapped in one another for some time.