I’ll admit, I’m a bit worried. This gut instinct tells me this will not end well.
_CHAPTER 6 - ALEXANDER_
“He who is not every day conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
The thing about silence, it’s not ever truly silent. At least for me that is. There is no way to shut off my brain, turn off the constant agony raging inside. Not a dial to turn down or a switch to disconnect. No plug to pull.
What is the secret to turning it off?
Does anyone have the answer?
I’m in my own hell, strapped in the chair, unable to get up and unplug the television playing the torment of my past on the screen before me. I can’t look away for when I close my eyes the torture plays behind my lids. The laughing of my demons around me has sweat beading my brow and shivers of awareness flowing through my body.
The demon’s claws dig in deeper.
*Sneering*We will take good care of you Zander. We’ve got you. You’re ‘safe’ with us.Vicious laughter follows.
They mock the words I spoke to Lili before she left, only I know they’re guaranteed to keep their word.
I can’t take much more of this. Lili is gone, my siren no longer here calming my seas as they churn from the moon’s pull. A storm is upon me, the bow of my ship is battered, and I’m stalled in open waters, the whitecaps relentless and eager to yank me under.
“The swirling surf had covered his death, hidden deep in murky darkness, his miserable end, as hell opened to receive him.”- Beowulf
Lili chased away the demons, but now, now I fear things will become darker, for the return of my demons means I no longer have control. With her an ocean away and not so much as a word of goodbye, how am I to know where we stand?
I thought I was done with this bullshit. Wishful thinking on my part.
*Demons* We are just getting started, Zander. Surrender and see what your sins will manifest.
Darkness settles in. Blackened and grim. I give myself to demons within.
The one thing about playing a song on repeat, you learn something new about it each time you hear it, no matter the age of the song; a missed twang of a guitar string, or certain pitch the singer uses to convey their emotion or unearthing the hidden meaning of the lyrics.
Here I sit on my bedroom floor not sure what time it is or how long I’ve been at it, all I know is the sun has gone down and I bask in subdued darkness. My back is against the wall, my breathing is labored, body exhausted, my shoulder, neck, and back weep from the beating I delivered.
I ignore it. All of it.
Gone Awayby Five Finger Death Punchblasts through the speakers on a continuous reel.
It’s my anthem to just how fucked up my life has become.
Welcome to the party.
Their song speaks a resemblance of hardship, this song though, this one is my agony embodied in stanzas and drumbeats, the guitar ripping out my heart, and the lead singer screaming of an inner struggle.
It's the only thing I can feel.Heartache.
Owen is gone, unfair in his offer to the cause.God damn you, Owen! You weren’t supposed to go!
I can’t reach him no matter how hard I try.
Lord, take me instead.Bring him back! Take me in his stead,please, I beg you.
Dangerous metal lay only feet away from my reach; it sits there, mocking me, taunting me,just like my demons, and now this item in my hands.Why do I have it?
I don’t remember grabbing it.
It’s cleaned and primed, but I swear I locked in the safe.