This should not be how life goes; I didn't sign up for this. I'd rather be back in the desert with my brothers, it’s the only place I found purpose.
Owen had a growing life with a wife and child, all I have is me. My family would’ve mourned my death, but they would know I died doing what I loved, and what destiny had set for me.
After parade day, everywhere I went, someone knew me. I hated it and felt worse each time they thanked me for my service, had me sign something, or asked me how I fared.
If only they truly knew the storm raging inside my mind.
I’m not an honorable soldier; I couldn’t keep my promise. I don’t deserve any of the pomp and circumstance.
I just want to be left alone.
So, I quit going places unless it was to the liquor store. I ordered delivery at least four nights a week and ate three-day old pizza from my coffee table like a true bachelor would. No one here to feed me fucking salads for dinner, no sir, not going back to that shit. I’m a burger and beer kinda guy.
Drinking became my solace, my escape, at least for some time.
I didn’t care what it was in the bottle as long as it burned so good going down. No feeling is the best sensation, until they slammed right back in place, matched with the worst fucking hangover ever.
I’m not one to learn anything after the first time, so I kept at it, giving the excuse to myself I had to build up my tolerance so I could drink more the next time around.
That was until my mom and sister found me in a drunken stooper on my couch wearing ripe week-old clothing, reeking of stale booze, the place littered with weeks of pizza boxes, foam containers, and bottle after empty bottle of beer and liquor. I could’ve opened my own bar with how many I had, if they still had product in them.
These women bitch-slapped me until I woke, then continued at it until I agreed to get help; therapy, anything, just as long as I didn’t sit there and drink myself into the grave.
A cold grave sounds appealing to me right now.
*Taunting demons* Yes, Zander. End it all. The world will be a happier place without you.
Shut up! I mentally scream back at my demons.
I'm never going to be the boy they knew at seventeen. He’s long gone. I would rather drown my sorrows than have this constant reminder. That boy would’ve never thought about touching a bottle.
How innocent and naive he was.
“I want to see you progress and better cope with everything, but I can’t help you if you don’t let me in, Alexander.”
I forgot I was still here. Using my full name like that; *Scoff* He hasn’t earned that right. That is only for one person, my mom.
Asshole.
He sighs and leans forward setting the folder on the circular glass coffee table between us. Threading his fingers together he places them in his lap and sets his elbows on the arms of the chair, “have you thought about what I said at our last session? About a support animal? I believe a dog or cat could help in your situation.”
I couldn’t contain my annoyance;it was more like a snarl. Yeah, that’s what I need, a pesky thing that barks all day or something that scratches the living daylights out of me.
“Not interested in an animal.”
He sighs again; it’s all this guy does when I’m here. I don’t even know why I come to these sessions; a wasted hour I could be home hanging with Jack, Jim, or Johnny. Hell, maybe I’d invite the Captain too; we’d have oneoutstandingparty.
I like the sound of that. Might have to make that reality.
“Before you go, promise me something, Zander.” His bland asking has my eyes rolling but I won’t show him that, he’d keep me here longer.
Someone should tell him I’m the king of not upholding to my promises. We wouldn’t be in this room right now if that were the case.
Our eyes met when his pause lingered, waiting for my confirmation of yes or no. I didn’t budge.
Yet another damn sigh came from him.
“You mentioned you write poetry and lyrics.” His statement brings a twinge to my heart, “before I see you next week, make it pertinent to try and write down your thoughts, anything at all.” His lips twitch for some reason, “you're intelligent and I want you to see how this might help you cope.”