“Well, the only problem with that is the girl told me she was there alone with you because Jason and Wes were at Emily’s. When I asked who she was, she hung up on me. That was unsettling,” I tell him frankly.
“I was passed out! What part of passed out do you not understand?! How the hell am I supposed to know who this girl is?!” he yells at me.
“I don’t know what the hell to believe!” I yell back. “If that was me, and some random guy answered my phone and I gave you this excuse, you would have a huge problem with it. So excuse me if I question what was going on!”
The silence is unnerving and drags on. The only thing I hear is his breathing.
“You’re right. I would’ve been pissed,” he starts, a little bit calmer. “I just don’t know how to answer you because I was passed out. You have to believe me. Ask Jason or Wes.” My mind runs over all kinds of scenarios that seem plausible, but if I believe that he was passed out, then I have to believe he has no recollection of who was on his phone.
“Fine… If you were really pass—”
Caleb interrupts me. “I was passed out!”
“Please let me finish. If you really were, then you don’t know who or what was going on at your place. The problem is I don’t know what to believe. I didn’t like talking to some chick and having her tell me that you were in bed and passed out. Why did she have your phone? I just need some time to think.” I need time to figure out what I want and need.
“What the hell do you mean by time?” he responds with controlled rage.
“Just time to think… That’s all. I am not saying a break. I just…” I wish this was like one of the romance novels I read where the girl feels who she is supposed to be with and there is no doubt in her mind. Her heart leads her on this amazing journey to the love of her life. All that is running through my mind is fear of making the wrong decision. “Time. I need time to think about everything that happened last night.”
“What all happened last night that you need to think of?” His curiosity edges too close to what I want to reveal.
“A random girl answering your phone. That is what happened last night. I’ll call you later.” I desperately want to get off the phone with him. I’m not thinking straight and don’t want to slip up about my own transgressions.
“Fine, call me later. But I’m telling you now, I’m not waiting around for you to decide. You either believe me or you don’t. That’s the way that it’s gonna be.” He hangs up, not allowing me to respond.
I am stunned by his ultimatum. I was not expecting that. How can he turn the tables and make me the “bad” one for being suspicious that a random girl answered his phone?
Defeated, all I want to do is curl up and cry. I take a drag from the cigarette, not enjoying the taste or the rush it’s giving me, so I drop it. Confusion seems to be my constant companion lately. My heart refuses to lead, and my brain is scared of making a decision. What good is the saying “follow your heart” when your heart stays silent? I plop down on the sand, pulling my legs up. I wrap my arms around my shins and place my head on my knees. I hear someone coming up behind me, but I am too consumed with my own thoughts to see who it is.
Ethan sits behind me, placing me between his legs and pulling me back into him. The safety I feel as he wraps me in his arms is immediate. The pull I feel toward him is undeniable, but is it enough? Feeling the warmth emanate from him makes me aware of how chilly I am. Goose bumps cover my body. But is it Ethan and his touch or the chill in the air?
After sitting for a few minutes in silence he asks me, “Wanna talk about it, baby?” I shake my head. “Tell me what you need. I don’t want to lose what we had last night,” he says softly, and I can feel his breath on my neck.
“I’m confused. I have feelings for you, but I have a boyfriend that I have feelings for too. I’m one hundred percent to blame for everything last night,” I admit, and my stomach churns with guilt.
“How can you blame yourself for what happened last night? He was the ass that got so fucking wasted and started everything. He’s also been an ass to you. I’ve seen him in action. Don’t forget that. What asshole feels up his girlfriend in front of another guy on purpose?” His voice is controlled and steady but filled with disdain for Caleb.
“What are you talking about, feeling me up?” I try and defend Caleb by pretending I don’t know that he’s talking about the night of my birthday celebration.
“Please don’t, baby girl. Don’t act like you don’t know he was mauling you all the while smirking in my direction.” He begins to rub my shin with his hand and squeezes me just a hint tighter. I stay silent, not knowing how to proceed. “I want to be with you. Only you. You are beautiful, sweet, and so full of life. The first night I saw you, I was mesmerized by your big, green eyes. They were so full of innocence, it was unnerving. I looked around, seeing guys watching you, biding their time to hit on you, and I was instantly jealous. I wanted to protect you from them before I even knew who you were.” Hearing his feelings pulls at my heart, and I’m getting lost in him again.
Ethan takes a couple of deep breaths before he continues. “And then there are your lips. Every time we were together, I thought you could tell that I would sometimes get lost looking at your mouth. When I kissed you last night for the first time, my dreams of your lips didn’t do them justice. They fit perfectly with mine.” He places the softest kiss on the back of my neck. “Please, Sophia, talk to me,” he pleads.
“I don’t know what to say.” Silent tears begin to fall. “I feel like everything is my fault. You and I wouldn’t be hurting if I hadn’t acted like a drunken fool last night trying to hit on that random guy.” I pause, trying to collect myself, breathing deep to hold the sobs. “I cheated on my boyfriend. That’s a fact. I got you in a fight. That’s another fact. Nothing can change that. I acted impulsively. I’ve hurt you, and I could hurt Caleb if he found out.”
Ethan grabs my waist and turns me sideways to face him, holding on to me. “Please look at me.” He waits for me to look up. His somber expression saddens me because I have done this to us. “It’s not your fault. Do you hear me? Nothing. If you need to place blame on someone, place it on me and Caleb. Me for kissing you, insisting on staying with you last night. Caleb for being an ass, in more ways than just him being with a girl last night. You are the casualty of us wanting to be with you.” He places one hand on the side of my face, then says, “What do you need? Tell me what you want me to do. But please don’t tell me to stay away from you. I can’t.”
I tuck my head under his chin because I cannot look at him. “Honestly, I don’t want you to stay away. But we can’t…you know. Not yet. Not until things are settled.”
“Are you saying it’s going to be us?” He pulls back to look at me.
“I don’t know.” I shake my head as I bite on my bottom lip anxiously before I continue. “I told Caleb I needed time to think about what happened last night. I have feelings for both of you, and I need to figure out what those feelings mean. It isn’t fair to you or him for me to be going back and forth. Can you give me that?”
“I will give you whatever you need. I want you in my life. And when I say in my life, I don’t mean as a friend.” He pauses, then adds, “But if as a friend is the only way I can have you, I will take it. Better that than nothing because I don’t think I could make it without knowing you are safe.” His lips pull into a sad, strained smile.
I turn my body to face him, wrapping my arms around his neck and bringing myself tight to his body in a hug. My head rests on his shoulder. I can’t seem to get close enough to him. It feels natural to be in his arms, like I fit perfectly in them.
I slowly stand, extending my hand to him.