I wakethe next morning feeling just as confused as when I fell asleep. What am I doing? What did I get myself into? I need to stay away from them in order to clear my head. I pack and head home a few days early.
My mom is surprised when I call to let her know. She questions me about it, but lets it go after I tell her I’m not ready to talk. Not yet at least.
When I arrive home and get settled in my room, I check my phone for the messages I missed. The first text was from Ethan, then a couple from Lena telling me Ethan called her a couple of times, but she didn’t answer. Another from Ethan again asking what’s wrong. And finally one from Caleb asking if I was home already. There are a couple of missed calls from Ethan, but no messages. Turning off my Bluetooth was a smart decision.
I call Lena to let her know I’m home.
“Thank god you finally called. Are you okay?" she answers the phone exasperated.
“Would you believe me if I said I’m fine?” I huff out a fake laugh. Curiosity getting the best of me, I ask, “did Ethan leave a message?”
“No…but he didn’t have to since he came by the apartment.”
“He what?” My thoughts scramble. Why would he have gone to our apartment?
“He came by. He looked like shit too. Like he drank way too much last night and didn’t sleep. At all. He still smelled like an effing brewery with bloodshot eyes.” She pauses, and when I stay silent, she continues, “He asked to talk to you. When I told him you left for home, he was surprised. He told me you weren’t supposed to leave until Monday morning.”
“And?” I want to hear every single detail of their exchange. She continues telling me about their conversation. He said he was sorry for last night, that he was really drunk.
“So…do you want my two cents right now or do you need time to process?” she asks.
“Tell me.”
“He seemed really sorry for last night. He looked pitiful… So I have to ask, why be sorry for last night? If he didn’t care about you…and I mean in a ‘more than just a friend way’…then why apologize? We’ve all been drunk, so why apologize for that? The only thing I can think…is that…he’s apologizing for being with another girl. And why apologize for being with another girl unless he knows he hurt you? And if he cares that he hurt you, he cares about more than friendship with you. Now, did you follow that crazy logic?” she finishes with a laugh.
“I follow your janky logic…but I can’t believe it either.” I sigh heavily.
“Can’t believe or won’t believe? There’s a difference.”
“I don’t know.”
“You sound frustrated…so I’ll drop it. But before I do…please stop selling yourself short. You are gorgeous and fantastic, any guy would be lucky to have you, friend. Call me when you want to talk again. I’m leaving in the morning.” I can hear the smile and genuineness in her voice. We hang up, and I am left with so much more to think about.
I send a quick text to Ethan letting him know I am home and I will call him later.
12
Beingin the comfort of home is just what I need. Even my younger sister, who is usually a pain in the behind, is a nice distraction to my inner turmoil.
I’ve spoken to Caleb the past few days but mainly through texts. Our conversations seem forced and slightly uncomfortable, so text is best for us right now. Ethan and I have only spoken via text, and they have been superficial and brief. He’s called, but I haven’t answered, too scared of what I may say.
After avoiding my mom’s question about why I came home early, I decide it is time for honesty. I tell her about Caleb and Ethan and my feelings for both—leaving out my lost virginity.
She stays silent for a few moments before asking, “Who do you like more?”
“I have no idea,” I say, not hiding the frustration in my voice. “If I knew, I wouldn’t be this confused!” I snap, extremely irritated she would ask such an asinine question.
My mom smiles, frustrating me further. “Think about a couple of months from now…if either of these guys wasn’t in your life, how would you feel? Because I don’t think that you can continue with both.”
“But I can’t continue with Ethan anyway… Remember, he doesn’t like me. I just need to get over this stupid crush. I can’t be around him right now.”
“I trust that you will figure it all out. As soon as you figure out what love means to you, everything will make sense. You are the only one who has to live with who you love. And I mean really love…truly, madly, deeply.”
I thought my mom would have better advice for me, but her last statement does stick. Figuring out what love is. What is love? It can’t just be the stupid knots or butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling or caring about someone or lusting or wanting to be with someone. I know I have feelings for both guys, but are my feelings for them more than superficial BS?
Lying in bed with my earbuds in, listening to music, I’m still consumed with thoughts of the guys. Suddenly, I’m startled by someone jumping on top of me.
“What the hell, Sophia! You can’t hole up in your room all break long,” Paige declares, overly dramatically.