The wait until the nurse calls my name feels interminable. Niall doesn’t let go of my hand until she does, and I take some comfort in that, even if I’m not entirely sure that he wants to be holding it, or if it’s just out of a sense of duty. I’m reminded all over again that we don’t know each other as well as we should for something like this, and I swallow hard, fighting back waves of anxiety.
You’ve been through worse than this,I remind myself.Sitting in a doctor’s office is nothing.
I try to focus on the minutiae of the appointment at first, taking my height and weight and blood pressure. “You’re a little underweight for this stage in your pregnancy,” the nurse tells me, raising an eyebrow. “Is everything alright at home?” She casts a suspicious glance at Niall, and I bristle a little.
“Everything is fine,” I tell her firmly. “It’s just the first time, and I’m stressed. I had a—bad relationship before this. I’m still dealing with the aftereffects of that.” It’s the best I can think of when it comes to trying to explain what I’ve been through before this, which is all more than I’m fairly sure this nurse is equipped to handle.
“Well, Dr. Sanders will be in to see you soon,” the nurse says. “Just sit tight.”
Where would I go?I touch my belly as I change into the gown she leaves behind, feeling a fresh surge of nerves. I have to make sure my baby is okay, but I still barely believe that there’s anything there. Aside from the persistent nausea and a little extra sensitivity in my breasts, I don’t reallyfeelpregnant.
“It’s going to be alright, lass,” Niall says from where he’s sitting, reaching out to touch the side of my leg, and I feel a little of the nerves relax, even as my eyes burn. He has every right to be angry and resentful about all of this, and yet he’s comforting me, trying to keep me calm while I face down the newness and scariness of all of this.
The doctor comes in after twenty minutes or so, a slender older woman with silvery hair and a kind smile. “I’m sorry I’m running behind,” she says, glancing between the two of us. “It’s been a busy day. I’m Dr. Sanders.”
“Isabella Santiago.” I don’t know if I should use Niall’s last name in this circumstance or not. Others have referred to me as Mrs. Flanagan, but I haven’t actually changed my last name. I don’t see Niall’s reaction, and I’m not sure I want to. I don’t know what would make me feel worse, seeing disappointment in his face that I didn’t use his name, or him simply not caring at all.
“Niall Flanagan,” he supplies when Dr. Sanders turns to him. “Isabella’s husband.”
“Good to meet you both.” She turns back to me immediately. “Now, Isabella, I understand that this is your first pregnancy. Are you nervous?”
Her kind, motherly tone makes my eyes burn with tears all over again. I nod. “I am,” I manage, the words coming out a little strangled, and she looks at me sympathetically.
“I’m guessing this pregnancy was not on purpose?”
I shake my head, feeling my cheeks flush a little. “No, it wasn’t.”
“Well, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. It happens all the time. But you’re very sureyouwant to keep it?”
I nod emphatically. “Niall was very clear with me that this was my choice,” I tell the doctor firmly, forcing myself to meet her eyes so that she can see exactly how serious I am. “I want this baby. I’m terrified, but this is what I want.”
“Alright then. Well, today you won’t see much, just the outline of where your baby is growing, and maybe the hint of a heartbeat. So don’t expect too much, but if all goes well you’ll leave here with the most important thing, which is knowing you and your baby are healthy.”
I nod, biting my lip as she gathers what she needs to get started.
It’s the most uncomfortable several minutes of her life, but it feels worth it when she points out the staticky image on the screen, and Niall stands up to come and stand next to me, his hand lightly on my shoulder as we both stare at it.
“That’s your baby,” Dr. Sanders says with a smile, and this time my eyes really do well up with tears.
“Oh my god,” I whisper, and when I look up, I see that Niall’s face is overcome with emotion too, taut with it as he stares.
“Our baby,” he murmurs, his voice thickening, and I reach up to touch his hand.
“It’s real,” I whisper, and he nods, seemingly unable to say anything else.
When the appointment is over, Niall seems more concerned about me than ever, his hand resting lightly on my lower back all the way back to the car. “How do you feel?” he asks, frowning at me. “I thought we could go look at things for the baby, but if you need to lie down, or—”
I laugh. I can’t help it. “It was just an exam,” I tell him, forcing back my laughter. “I’m fine. The nerves were the worst part. Everything is fine now.”
Niall doesn’t look entirely convinced. “If you’re sure—”
“I’m sure,” I tell him firmly, and with that, he leans forward to tell Clarke where to go.
We end up at a boutique baby store. I peer at it, glancing at Niall with a smirk. “Are you sure this isn’t too bougie for you?” I tease him, and Niall laughs.
“Well, if my father were still alive, he’d be carving out a cradle for the wee one right now,” he says, chuckling. “But I was never much of a hand with a wood chisel, so let’s see what these fine folks have for us, aye?”
“Aye,” I tell him, doing my best to mimic his Irish burr, and Niall grimaces.