“For fuck’s sake, Annie,” snapped Aunt Stacy, her sister. “You always have to try and ruin things. Sage looks lovely.”
“She looks like one of those little toilet roll dollies Nan used to have on the back of her loo,” Mum said, warming to the topic now. Nikki and Fabian wove their way through the cluster, going for Mum, glasses raised.
Only it was Scarlet’s look that made clear to me what I needed to do. She was like a Siamese cat, self-contained and elegant, watching the crazies go by, but the look she shot me reminded me of the lesson she’d taught me.
“There’s a world of difference between someone who uses violence against you in anger and one who does so in controlled and agreed to conditions. One is abuse. You didn’t consent to that. You never signed up to being beaten. They decided to violate your bodily autonomy to gain power over you by force. Someone who uses impact play is given power over you, until such point as you withdraw it. They use that gift to perform a scene that is mutually satisfying for both people, and then they are careful to ensure you come down and feel safe afterwards. No one can make you feel bad without your consent.”
“Stop!”
My friends stopped, my family stopped, even Mum stopped for a second, before trying to grab this moment of quiet and use it for her own shitty purpose.
“I’d shut your damn mouth, Mum, because right now, Fabes and Nik are about to ‘accidentally’ splash a glass of red wine all over you.” I turned to them. “Guys, one of you is plausible, but both?”
“Bitch deserves it,” Nikki snarled. “I’m about to snatch your mum’s head bald.”
Mum gasped theatrically at all of this, because of course she did.
“As for you.”
I looked at my mother then, really looked at her. From the way she spoke to me, you’d think her this social icon of a woman, with a perilously beautiful face, but it wasn’t perfection that turned people into bullies, it was a need for power. She was a typical middle-aged woman, with squishy bits around her middle and a somewhat pretty face, but no more than any other woman here. I scanned the crowd, looking at every single one of them as they watched me and waited for my reaction, and saw they were all the same.
We all hated parts of our bodies. We all felt vulnerable in different situations, but we didn’t all have to put up with it.
“You can leave.” I wasn’t sure I was going to get support for that, but the murmurs and the looks seemed to indicate I would. “If being here, at your only daughter’s wedding, with me in this dress, is such an embarrassment to you, then turn around and go. That way, my friends, the people who actually fucking care about me, can participate in what I’m hoping is one of the happiest days of my life.” My voice caught on the words now, my throat closing over, but I forced them out. “Marrying my mates.”
We didn’t need to do this. Ironically, it was for my beta family that we’d decided to go through with this ritual, because for us, we were tied together tighter than any five people could be. They would always, always love me, and I’d love them until I took my last breath and then, perhaps, beyond. It was that strength that I clung to right now, as well as the flurry of people berating my mother.
“Just go,” I said, my voice ragged, and I fluttered my eyelids, not wanting to ruin the work the makeup artist had done. “You hate me, hate the way I look, hate that I’m marrying the Lockwood. We don’t even talk anymore, because whenever I do, you just use that as an opportunity to tell me all the ways I’m failing in life, when I’m fucking not.”
Her lips pinched tighter at the sound of a swear word, because of course her priorities were always on the surface of things, not the heart.
“I’m really, really not.”
“Damn straight, girl!” Nikki said. “Now, mother of the bride is going to make a hasty retreat before I drag her outta here, and everyone else is gonna have a cheeky champers before we send our girl up the aisle to those hunky dudes who are gagging to see their mate.”
“I pretty much had to threaten to go straight and elope with Sage to keep them out of here,” Fabian said.
“You heard your daughter.” Scarlet pushed herself off from the wall, containing all of the suppressed menace she seemed so good at exuding when needed. “People who’ve earned the right to be in this room stay. You, go.”
It was at her bark that Mum finally turned on her heel before storming out.
“She always was a nasty bitch,” Aunt Stacy said. “She started to tell me that my bloody dress makes my arse look big.”
“Ain’t nothing wrong with that,” Scarlet said, sliding her eyes over my aunt’s rump until she experienced a flutter of bisexual panic. “Plenty of people like a bit of junk in the trunk.”
Like my mates.
“Dad, we kicked Mum out of the wedding,” I told my father as we walked towards where the ceremony would be held.
“I’m not surprised.” I was. I shot him a sidelong look. “She’s been on a tear since you met up with these boys.” We looked down the aisle now, where all four of them waited. An outdoor marquee had been erected on a private beach owned by the resort we were staying at, and beautiful tropical flowers festooned the aisle. “I’ve tried to talk to her, love, god, how I’ve tried, but you know how she gets.”
“I do.” Sometimes, that was something you had to accept. People were who they were, for good or for bad, and Mum? She couldn’t seem to be happy for me, no matter what. “You know that means I’m going to cut contact with her. Dad, I can’t—”
He squeezed my arm and turned to me.
“I love your mother. God knows how sometimes, but I do. You know how you feel for your mates. Well, part of me is always going to burn for Mum. But that doesn’t mean you have to stick around and put up with her shit.” My eyes widened at that. Dad rarely swore, due to Mum’s stupid prim attitude. “Actually, you shouldn’t. I should’ve told her to stay home. Each time I hope she’s gonna do things differently…”
Except she wouldn’t. Just as Dad wouldn’t leave her nor really stand up to her, and my mates? They’d be exactly who they were, who they’d shown themselves to be—pushy, relentless, overbearing, and intense, but mine. They’d always be in my corner, no matter what, and that was what I wanted to walk towards.