The guys all made clear their approval at that statement, and somehow, I found the courage to nod just then.
“Yeah,” I said with a little frown, “I guess I am done pretending this isn’t exactly where I want to be.”
Chapter 35
We all worked together as one then, putting the food away, cleaning the table, putting the dishes in the dishwasher, and even though it was the same shit going on in a million households across the country, it felt weird. This wasn’t just a place they were staying in now, it was their home, and by extension…
Don’t think too far ahead, Riley, I told myself as I slid a tray of enchiladas into the fridge, seeing that wolf running in my dreams. As Ryan filled the sink, washing off the big platters that wouldn’t fit in the dishwasher, as Colt set the machine to run, as the guys walked through the kitchen, carrying stuff and calling the others foul names when they got in each other’s way, I was catching a glimpse of a future my mind wasn’t ready to accept.Stop thinking so fucking hard, I thought, paraphrasing my psychologist’s advice in probably stronger terms than she would have used.Just let yourself be.As if in response to that, Blake appeared at my shoulder.
“They’ll take twice as long as they should doing this,” he said with shrug. “They can’t fucking help it. C’mon.”
“Where are we going?” I asked, and he just smiled in response.
“Come see,” he said, grabbing my hand and leading me out the sliding doors, flicking on the lights as we went.
I let out a little gasp at what I saw—a big deck along with an outdoor setting, then beyond that there was a firepit set up, filled with wood ready to light. He walked us further out, over to a huge tree, little lights marking the pathway up to it, and there, hanging from a massive bough, was a swing seat. He sat down on the whitewashed wooden seat, then patted the space beside him.
I sat down, of course I did, because the air was cool but not too cold, enough to make me comfortable snuggling into him as he pulled me into his side. I let a long breath out, then his legs pushed us off, sending us rocking back and forth.
“So what are we doing?” I started to ask.
“Shh…” he replied, holding me close, stroking my hair.
Telling me to be quiet didn’t actually change things at first. My brain still raced, taking in the landscape of the huge gardens before us. Noticing the big pond beyond and all the trees that were growing around it. Noticing the moon as it rose, casting its silvery light over us. Noticing the massive shed, the paddocks beyond, and him.
Blake was the one I felt like I knew the least about, yet why did I feel so comfortable here, nestled up against him? Why did I feel tension leaching away the moment we touched? Why was—?
“Bloody hell, I can almost hear the cogs inside your head turning,” he grumbled. “Just take a breath, Riley, a big one, then let it go.”
His grip tightened slightly, and I did just that, feeling like something emptied out of me when I let that breath go.
“Why wasn’t it like this before?” I asked him, the real question I needed answered.
“Why didn’t I touch you like this?” he asked, rubbing his hand down my side. “Why didn’t I pull you onto my lap and cuddle you, just like the others did?” His grip tightened then. “Because I was shit at it. Because I didn’t have the confidence of my bloody brothers. Because I was terrified if I reached out for you, you’d push me away and go sauntering over to Fen or Ryan.”
“Blake.” I frowned slightly as I looked up at him, and he just smiled.
“But really, because if I took you in my arms, I knew I wasn’t letting you go. You didn’t dream of me.” I stiffened at that, feeling irrationally guilty. “But I dreamed of you, over and over. I knew you were mine, and while I was never a very good boyfriend, I am very good at being a wolf.”
His eyes shone now, growing lighter, more silvery, competing with the moon for its brilliance.
“If I couldn’t be the fun guy or the guy you spent hours studying with, I could be the guy who plotted and planned. It probably sounds crazy stalkerish, but when I’d come by and pick you up from class and take you to the others, I played different scenarios in my head, ones where you turned to me and looked into my eyes the way you looked into theirs.” I made a small sound of distress at that, having had no idea that was how he’d felt and feeling weirdly guilty as a result. “That’s why I pushed hard for us to buy this place when we came up here. Fen wanted to rent. Ryan wanted to see how the market was going, get your input first, but I said no. I found this place and made sure we bought it.”
“You wanted to go all in,” I said in barely a whisper.
“I was all in, the whole time, Riley. I argued fucking hard every time we were put in front of yet another omega I knew we wouldn’t be able to bond with. It made us and her unhappy, but we did it over and over. I knew it was you for us. How could it not be? Everything we’d been taught pointed to you, except for one thing.”
“That I’m a beta,” I finished for him, my head dropping down at that as I forced my mind to focus on the swaying motion of the swing. Anything but my words.
“Are you? Roll onto your back and put your head in my lap.”
“What? Why do you—?”
“Just do it, love.”
Blake’s alpha command was so much lighter than the others’, but I still found myself following his dictates. The swing bucked slightly at my movement, then corrected itself as I settled. His hand slid down my body then, casting a warm shadow as it came to rest on my stomach.
“We don’t know what you are, love. The people who should’ve been there to help you with this, they didn’t, but we’re here now.”