I filled her in on what I’d learned, redirecting her the same way you did a cat with a laser. Admittedly, she was much smarter than a cat, but…
“So you mean to tell me that an omega has a fair chance of becoming the queen or king of their town, that a group of super studly-looking alphas with massive cocks spend their lives catering to their every whim, pampering them with multiple orgasms and anything else their heart’s desire, and the alphas will never step out on them because they only bone up for their mate?”
I jumped when her forehead connected rather abruptly with my desk, forcing me to grab a pad of paper and shove it between her head and the laminate. She still managed to crack her head on it and was going back for more. I launched myself across the desk, grabbing her by the hair to prevent even more self-harm.
“Ohh yeah, pull it harder,” she said woozily.
“Stop being a bloody idiot,” I said. “Like you can afford to lose any more brain cells. But you see the issues, right? We won’t be able to get any semen samples without me in the room, and measuring that against a knotted specimen would be invaluable, but… What?”
“Who hurt you?” she said, stabbing the air with her finger.
“What? I—”
“Who fucked you over so badly that when faced with a life of having those stud muffins panting after you, your natural response is to think of the study?”
“Well—”
“Riley, my stupidly tall, ranga best friend, last night you were offered the thing that every straight woman wants. They want to care for you.” She ticked a finger off at that. “Look after you.” Another finger ticked. “Pamper you. Fuck your oblivious brains out and then fucking breed you with knotted cocks that I just know will do wonders for your G-spot, and you’re like ‘oh, however will I produce a viable sperm specimen?’ Did your dad like to play hide the baloney with his secretary and you walked in on him, or was that just mine? Are you like the Tin Man and we need to go off to see the Wizard so we can get you a heart? Fuck, girl…”
I was well used to Candy’s tirades, and for the most part, I zoned out until she settled down again, but this time, I was forced to consider what she was saying. I blinked for a second, then looked up at her.
“Science has been my focus,” I replied slowly. “I was told really young that they weren’t for me, so I tried to avoid them.”
“Making them run harder to chase you,” she said, shaking her head.
“I tried to brush them off, to keep things friendly, just like they told me. I knew…” My voice broke on this, old pain rising, but I stuffed it right back down again. “I knew there was no future for me with them, because the ruling alphas and omega told me that over and over. I didn’t want to get hurt, get crushed…” I grabbed my bottle of water and took a mouthful, trying to dislodge the lump in my throat. “But it didn’t work.”
Candy was blessedly quiet, because she seemed to realise that input now would be disastrous.
“I finished high school, aced my exams, got one of the highest tertiary entrance ranks in the state at the time. Mum and I moved here, then I started the fast-track program and…” I smiled then, but why did it hurt so much when I did? “I was busy, so damn busy, with the study load, all the assignments, and trying to maintain some kind of social life as well, but…” I shook my head, then glanced up at her. “It didn’t make any difference. Like, it did in a way. It was exhilarating and exciting. I learned so many new things every damn day, my brain was completely and utterly engaged. But when I went back to my room, it was just me.”
My fingers clawed at the edge of my desk as it came rushing back.
“Colt was always there, studying with me throughout my whole final year at school, and then suddenly, there was just me. Fen and Ryan were always fussing about whether or not I’d eaten. Haze and Blake escorted me to and from class, to keep the omegas from lashing out at me. Every damn moment of my day was spent with them, and then…”
I shrugged.
“It wasn’t. I was all on my own. I made friends, but never ones like them. I met guys, but they were never as interested as the pack was. The Vanguard pack cast a massive shadow over my life, one I hadn’t even realised was there until I left, and then there was nothing I could do about it except adjust to it being gone.”
I leaned back in my chair, folding my hands in my lap, and stared at Candy now, hoping she’d fucking understand. If she didn’t now, she soon would.
“At the end of my first year I had a kind of… ‘Breakdown’ is too grand a word for it, but something in that ballpark. I finished my exams, handed in my last assignment, and yay, everything was done. The counsellor I saw said I’d lost the last framework I had to hold myself together. I hadn’t let myself think of the guys during the term because I couldn’t afford to, but then…when it was all over, there was nothing, absolutely nothing to think about but them. I moved out of my college room and went back home to a place Mum had found, and we were like two ghosts. She was mourning the loss of my dad, her mate, and me?”
I snorted then, eyes narrowing, mouth forming a grimace.
“I mourned the loss of men who were never, ever going to be mine.”
I stared at the desk as I saw myself, curled up in my bed in a room that wasn’t mine, in a house that I had imbued with no memories. In a lot of ways, it was more anonymous than my uni room. Mum had made no attempt to turn the house into a home, most of our stuff still sitting in the boxes the removalists had delivered. The house had been, still was, just a waiting place between one thing and another.
“Every day, I stared at the window in my room and longed for them, and every night, I dreamed of them. I ached and I ached and I ached, until I just couldn’t anymore. I didn’t get suicidal or anything, but it made me understand why people do. That’s when I saw a counsellor. I realised I hadn’t left my room for most of the holidays and had barely showered. She helped me to accept what I needed to—they weren’t mine, and I needed antidepressants.”
“Jesus, Riley.”
That was all the warning I got before Candy launched herself at me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and grabbing me in the hardest of hugs. After a few seconds, I hugged her back, because the Borg had nothing on Candace Baker. Resistance truly was futile.
“But you’re OK now?” she asked, holding me at arm’s length and studying me closely. “They’re not triggering anything for you.”
“They’re triggering a whole lot,” I muttered, but then smiled when I looked up at her. “It’s been a long time since then. I’ve developed a lot more coping skills, got Mum help too, and I’ve built this.” I gestured to the room. “You know how fucking lucky we are to be this young and working for Gideon Crowe. You’ll have to forgive me if I don’t want to screw that up. The guys, what they’re proposing…” I threw my hands in the air. “Maybe it’s real, maybe it’s not. Perhaps if I just stripped off and threw myself to the wolves, they’d get their taste and be able to move on. Regardless, the one thing I can trust is this.”