I didn’t feel like eating. I just felt sick with worry. Even looking at the fruit for too long made me want to be sick. The air around the room was so tense, and it was all my fault. One thing about always staying quiet and not making a fuss was that I’d never learned to apologize. Sitting in the hot seat made me want to scream. I felt so guilty that I was ready to drop to my knees and beg them for forgiveness.
Beck strolled in and shoved his phone into his pocket. “Kids are good. Sunshine says she’s never leaving my house, so that’s something I’ll have to figure out later.”
“Winnie. You have to eat.” Sawyer knelt in front of me and rested his hands on my knees. “You heard Patty.”
I shook my head and tried to figure out where to even start. I had so much to apologize for.
“Damn it, Winnie.” Beck grabbed a piece of melon and held it out to me. “Do you not give a shit that you’re scaring the hell out of us? You have to eat!”
I swatted the fruit out of his hand and forced my way out from between them. Pacing the living room floor, I tugged at my hair and then froze as I breathed in a whiff of what smelled faintly like Dad’s clothes. It was a hint of his cologne, just enough to take me right back to watching him put it on before taking Mom out on dates.
I’d always wanted what they had, and I had tried so hard to make it work with Matthew, even when it was clear he was terrible. He’d never taken me out on a date, maybe in the entire time we were together. By the time it was over, I had felt so underserving of anything. The time since he’d left had been one hit after another to my ego, too. I couldn’t afford anything, I couldn’t win over the new principal at school, I couldn’t even keep my job. I didn’t feel like I deserved what Dad gave Mom.
“Winnie?”
I looked over at the three of them, all standing and ready to rush to my side in case I was having some sort of break. Had I missed the truth? I’d been a mess all day because I felt hated by them, but looking at them right then, all I could see was worry on their faces.
“I… I think I missed something.” I walked to Sawyer, who stood closest to me, and slowly moved into his chest. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my face into his shirt, inhaling deeply. Was there a closet of his that belonged to me?
Sawyer kept his arms at his sides for a moment before he wrapped them around me and held me tightly. His heart beat hard next to my ear, and I could hear it speed up when my arms tightened around him.
He reluctantly let me go when I slipped free to do the same to Beck. I held him just as tightly and breathed in his scent. Beck sighed into my hug and held me with his chin resting on top of my head.
Jack was the one I was most worried about. He was a hard man who leaned into anger more than any other emotion. Yet when I moved close enough, he grabbed me and pulled me into his arms. There was a shiver to his body, like he was barely holding himself together.
“What did you miss, Winnie?” He held the back of my head, keeping me from looking up at him, but I could hear an emotion in his voice that sliced through my heart.
“I didn’t know… I didn’t know you wanted more. I didn’t think it was possible, not with me.” I pushed out of his embrace and moved back to the other side of the room. “That first night, you all said you were done with relationships and babies. I found out I was pregnant and was terrified. I had Birdie with a man who didn’t want a child, and it hurt her. I didn’t want to do it to another kid.
“I didn’t stay away from you, though. It felt impossible. Being with each of you is like standing in the sun after living underground all my life. You each look at me like my dad looked at my mom, with so much interest and happiness. I don’t understand why. I don’t deserve it, especially now. Not after this. I was wrong. I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve my fear and distrust, not when you were so open with your lives and yourselves.”
Beck let out a frustrated sound. “Winnie, I need you to hear me when I say what I’m about to say. I love you. It’s big and intense, what I feel for you. It’s the kind of love that changes the rules and shakes shit up. It also makes me fucking crazy. The kind of crazy that would make me want to help your own kid kidnap you. It’s also the kind of crazy that barely sleeps for two weeks, because you decided you were done with us without talking to us. I’m angry. I have this massive fucking love for you, and you were just going to walk away. With our child growing inside you. The fact that you could walk away from me hurts, Winnie, because no matter what, I couldn’t force myself to walk away from you.
“I love you, but I’m going to be pissed for a little while.” He shook his head. “Having said that, there’s not an inch of you that doesn’t deserve someone to love you the way your dad loved your mom. You deserve it.”
I wiped my eyes as fast as the tears fell, shocked at what he was saying and how openly he was saying it. He loved me.
“You thought the worst of us, Winnie. That’s hard.” Jack rubbed his temples. “For the record, I love you, too. In a way that makes me feel like shit, because I didn’t give this kind of love to Henry’s mother. It’s overwhelming, but I’m not fucking scared to be a better man now, for you. Because no matter what I think I deserve, at the end of the day, I know that what I can give you makes up for me getting a little more than I deserve.”
My heart was shattering with each word he spoke. “Jack…”
“You’d better learn to love us the same way, Winnie. I’m not accepting less.” He wiped tears from his own eyes and flicked his eyes to my stomach. “That baby doesn’t deserve less, either.”
“You thought I slept with Stacey.” Sawyer moved to stand in front of me. “After sneaking into your bed every night, getting less than four hours of sleep, and breaking my neck to get back and do it again?”
I searched his face as I tried to figure out how to explain my thoughts. When I saw the pain in his eyes, I decided it didn’t matter why I thought what I thought. I’d trusted something Stacey said over his actions, and that was what they were showing me. I hadn’t trusted them, despite them never having given me a reason not to.
“I’m sorry. It came from an unhealthy place, and I should’ve trusted you.”
“Damn right, you should’ve trusted me.” He ground his words out through gritted teeth. “You could’ve trusted all of us. You could’ve told us that you were pregnant. You could’ve let us be there for you, taking care of you. You could’ve given us a chance to be good men for you and Birdie.”
I nodded and wrapped my arms around myself. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how to make it better. I… I love—”
Beck growled and cut me off. “Do not say what I think you’re about to say right now. We deserve better than hearing it in an apology.”
Sawyer tipped my chin up with his finger and looked me over. “I love you. With or without our baby in you. No matter how mad I am. Nothing changes that. I love you, Winnie. Enough to go at this with my two best friends. Enough to face whatever shit comes our way. Now, do me a favor and eat so we can go to bed. I’m fucking exhausted, and all I want to do is crawl into bed with you.”
“But you’re mad…”