“I don’t want to come here and have Birdie throw herself at us like that again. She was terrified she was never going to see us again. You’re not telling us everything.” Jack pulled his hand down his face and then cupped the back of my head. “You don’t get to just run away from all this. You fucking stole your way right into every part of our lives, baby. There’s not a place I can go where you haven’t left your mark. Do you understand?”
I nodded because I knew. I understood better than they did. There would never be a time in my life when they weren’t present. There had been my life before them, and the rest of it was permanently changed. I carried their mark inside me.
Beck stroked his thumb over my lip and shook his head. “This isn’t over, Kitten. The first moment we have free, we’re all sitting down to talk. We should’ve done it already, but we can’t keep our hands off you for long enough. We’d do it right now if we didn’t need to finish getting everything ready for Arlo’s party.”
I turned to look outside, where I could see Arlo and Henry playing together. Arlo jumped up to catch pieces of the dandelion Henry was blowing, and his smile was so bright in that moment that my heart ached. I’d forgotten all about his birthday party. Looking back down at my hands, I saw that I’d chipped my nail polish off at some point. I’d never felt more inadequate than right then. I was failing in every area of my life and letting everyone down.
“Look at me.” Beck growled when I didn’t look up and lifted my chin until I had to face him. “You’re coming with us. Something is going on with you, and I don’t like the idea of leaving you to stew in it. Pack a bag of whatever you and Birdie need.”
I looked between the three of them and tried to shake my head. “I’m okay. I just—”
“You can come willingly or I can toss you over my shoulder and cop a feel. Either way, you end up at Beck’s house, sitting by the pool while we work on Arlo’s party.”
“Jack, you can’t just—”
“He can.” Sawyer ran his eyes over my face, and his brows furrowed. “I promised Birdie I would teach her to swim backwards today. I don’t want to find out what happens when she really gets mad at me, Win.”
“Get your bikini, Kitten.” Beck pulled me off the counter and slapped my butt as he pushed me gently out of the kitchen. “You’ve got ten minutes. And if you try to scale out of your bedroom window, we’ll catch you. Just in case you get any other weird fucking ideas.”
Jack grunted. “Long-haul trucking. Never seen a trucker in an apple dress before.”
“Not to mention, we’ve all seen her drive, right?”
I stopped outside the kitchen and leaned against the wall, catching my breath as I listened to them.
“It’s my fault. This has always just been a hook up, and I made the mistake of calling her my girlfriend. You should’ve seen her face.” Sawyer sighed heavily. “I don’t know what else changed.”
“This is a lot of work for just a hook up.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and hurried up to my room. Beck was right. I was putting them through so much, and they only wanted a hook up. I wiped tears from my eyes as I chastised myself for being so stupid. I knew a part of me had hoped something would change, that they’d want more. I’d even started to believe it.
I blindly grabbed suits for me and Birdie. It was clear they were worried about me, and they weren’t taking no for an answer. I couldn’t skip Arlo’s party, either. I’d go to the party and figure out what to do later. I’d started the process of separating myself from them, and that counted, no matter how I ended the day.
43
Jack
WhenSaragotsick,we’d been on our way to a divorce. I was busy with the shop, and she wanted more than her high school sweetheart-turned-mechanic. Just three years after we had Henry, she was told she’d maybe live another six months. Everything else had stopped. Any anger between us had faded, and we spent the nine months she’d lived as a family. I’d said goodbye in a million little ways during those nine months. It was brutal, and I knew there would’ve never been more tomorrows for me without Beck and Sawyer.
I knew loss. I’d lived in it and made my home in it after Sara died. I’d mourned, taken all her photos down, and never talked about her. Part of me was angry, because one of the last conversations I’d had with her, she’d said something to me that I took as an accusation. She’d wished for me to find a woman I would really love. It had felt like an insult. Had I not loved her through all the years we had together? Had it not been enough that I devoted every second of my time to taking care of her in the end? I hadn’t understood.
It took Winnie and Birdie to show me that Sara hadn’t meant it as an insult. She’d known what I knew before she got sick. I loved her. I’d always loved her. We’d never been in love, though. Sara had spent her energy in some of her last moments to wish better for me.
It was gutting in a way I couldn’t describe to realize Sara died knowing she hadn’t been loved the way she should’ve been. I’d failed her as her husband. I’d failed her as her child’s father. I’d erased her from our lives without meaning to. I’d shoved her memory away, thinking it was what I needed, but I hadn’t stopped to think about what it would mean for Henry to lose his mother in more ways than one.
It had been Winnie who helped me connect with Henry in a real way. She’d made Henry feel safe enough to talk. Because of her, I’d dug out the hidden photo albums and sat with Henry for hours, showing him his mom’s life. I’d cried with my son and comforted him in a real way for probably the first time. I’d gotten to remember my life with Sara and mourn, not just for myself and Henry, but for her. Looking back, I could see what we’d been missing. It hurt, but when I closed the albums and put them on the shelf in the living room where Henry could reach them, I knew that Sara had been talking about what I felt for Winnie.
Knowing Sara would’ve fucking loved Winnie if they’d met in a different life helped. Knowing Sara would’ve hated the man I’d been since she died eased some of the guilt in my changing for Winnie. I couldn’t be better for Sara, but I would be better for Winnie. If she’d let me.
As I watched her sitting with the girls on the other side of the pool, there dread and panic warred within me. Winnie was healthy and safe, but my mind was telling me she was fading away. My instinct was to latch on because I couldn’t lose her, too. I knew that her leaving would be a willing exit. She’d walk away to a different life. It wasn’t the same as losing Sara, but I couldn’t control the dark feelings swirling over me.
“So. Now seems as good a time as any to have this conversation.” Beck tore his eyes from Winnie and glanced around to make sure we were alone in our corner of the back yard. “It’s unconventional as fuck, people will talk, our parents will die a little, and the kids will grow up with people questioning and judging their family, but none of that makes me want to back down. I want her. I’m not walking away, and I know you two are in just as deep as me. I’ve seen the stupid looks on your faces that match the one I see in the mirror. I think we’re just... in this.”
Sawyer had frozen with his beer halfway to his mouth, but after a second, he shrugged and finished the action, taking a long drink. “It’s too late to think about drawing straws now. That was never a choice, anyway. It’s always been the three of us for her.”
“Sunshine told me that it figured it’d take three of us to fill Freddy Sr.’s shoes.” Beck grinned. “That woman never batted an eye at the idea of all of us with her daughter. The only thing she said to me about how unconventional it is was that she was surprised Winnie had let herself be so free.”
I looked at my two best friends, at the men who’d gotten me through losing Sara and raising a kid alone. “There’s no one else this would work with.”