Sawyer moved around behind me, the ice in his empty glass rattling as he took a piece out. His body heat, and the scent of clean laundry and something citrusy, washed over me, and I quickly knew the exact amount of time that had passed since I’d been so close to a man who wasn’t Gabe.
“So, are you the only members of the dad’s group?” I turned my head to look around the room and let out an embarrassed gasp when Sawyer’s large hand cupped the back of my neck and held my head steady. “Sorry.”
Beck leaned forward in his seat, resting his elbows on his knees. His forearms were covered in tattoos, all the way up and into his shirt sleeves. Bright green eyes never left my face as Sawyer worked behind me. “You apologize a lot.”
“So—” I cut myself off and smiled down at my lap, making Sawyer reach forward to gently grasp my chin and lift it again. “Sorry. Oh, god. I can’t stop.”
Sawyer moved around and squatted in front of me, his hands resting on my knees, right next to a big patch of green paint. His eyes were beautifully blue with the best lashes, lashes that brushed his cheek bones when he slept, I bet. Sandy blonde hair expertly cut and styled, a perfectly trimmed beard, and the best jawline I’d ever seen were a deadly combination as he bit his full lower lip and smiled. “Maybe youdoneed our group. No more apologizing. Especially to us. You don’t know us. You don’t owe us your apologies…”
“Winnie. I’m Winnie.” I smiled even as I cursed my glowing cheeks. “And I’m not sorry.”
3
Winnie
“Weneveradvertisedthegroup to anyone else because none of us are therapists. We’re not trying to give other people our shitty advice.” Jack shrugged. “Besides, this is really just our drinking time.”
Despite me invading their “drinking time,” they had welcomed me right in. I found myself laughing along with them, and relaxing as I did. I was having fun, I realized, with three men who were complete strangers to me. Shamefully, it was more fun than I could remember having in a long time, and we weren’t even doing anything.
Sawyer worked at my hair, handing me cheerios as he found them. “Not all of our advice is shitty. Just a lot of it. We’re learning as we go. Plus, anyone who tells you they have parenting figured out is a fucking liar.”
I started to move, but Sawyer had learned to be ready for my movements. He rested his hand on my shoulder, and I stayed in place. He couldn’t stop my talking with my hands, though. “Birdie seems to get more and more mature by the second. I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes from this reoccurring dream that’s just her as a teenager. She’s not doing anything in the dream, just existing. But knowing that my Birdie is this sassy at seven makes me sweat when I think of her as a teenager. She informed me today that one of her uncle’s neighbors was mean because she doesn’t have a man anymore. Said man left her for one of her uncle’s exes. She’s a catty gossip at seven. How am I going to face her as a teen?”
Beck ran his hand over his beard and sighed. “My Olive is nine, and if I found out she was plotting my murder, I’d only be a bit surprised.”
“Olive?” Jack scoffed. “There would be no surprise there at all.”
I smiled as I watched them. “Have y’all been friends for long?”
“Since boot camp.” Sawyer worked his fingers through my hair and rubbed my scalp. “Let’s see if anything else falls out of here.”
My body reacted instantly to his hands massaging my head. I bit my lip hard to stay quiet and crossed my legs, needing some of the pressure between them to ease up. I was embarrassed to have such a strong reaction in front of other people, but they couldn’t know what was happening to me. That was my only reprieve.
Finally, Sawyer gathered my hair in both hands and let it fall down my back. “You have a lot of hair. I think you could’ve cut the gum out and no one would’ve ever noticed.”
I kept my eyes on him as he moved around me and took his seat again. None of them were anything like my ex, Matthew. They were all different, but all of them seemed put together. It was alluring to look at. “My mom used to say it was a magical place that consumed hair ties and clips. There was a time when she would just run a magnet around my head to find whatever bobby pins were left behind.”
Jack’s light brown eyes followed my hands as I stroked them over my hair and down my thighs. He watched me with interest, but I figured it was because I was like a flighty bird swooping into their meeting space. “I will say, I was impressed by the amount of cereal that came out.”
“Birdie exploded the bag in the car while trying to wrestle it free from the car seat. She’s not always so messy, but when I’m going anywhere, it’s like she has a sixth sense for making me as unappealing as possible. Unless someone really loves cheerios and the smell of fruit punch.” I looked around the room, taking in all the wood paneling, and smiled. “My best friend is going to die when I tell him I showed up like this, to the wrong meeting. He's the only reason I came to begin with. It was this or get laid, per his demands.”
Sawyer laughed openly and shook his head. “You chose a group meeting over getting laid?”
Beck moved over to me and put the back of his hand to my forehead. “No fever, but the bump to her head must’ve been harder than she thought.”
I laughed and rubbed my cheeks, trying to fool them into thinking they were so red because of the rubbing, and not because I was blushing and mortified that I’d said what I said. “This was easier.”
Jack raised his brows. “Make it make sense.”
I was so far in that I couldn’t stop talking. “I showed up to this meeting in my current state, and if I’d been walking into the mom’s group, it would’ve been fine. None of them would be surprised to see me like this, most likely. Getting laid requireseffort. There’s dating and time and so much shaving and waxing. I haven’t been with anyone since the divorce, and it feels like a big deal.”
“There’s your problem. You’re putting too much pressure on it. Dating? Forget it. There’s no time. Shaving and waxing? A real man isn’t going to care if you’re not baby smooth. That’s not why he’s there. You just have to get back on that horse.” Beck grinned and tapped the end of my nose before sitting back down.
“How long ago was the divorce?” Jack seemed shocked. “If you say anything more than three months, I’m going to cry for all the nights you’ve spent just sleeping.”
“Over a year.” I groaned when they all groaned and then let my head fall back. “This is supposed to make me feel better? Your group is just making me feel like an old maid.”
“Just go out and have sex, woman! You need it. No wonder you screamed at us when you came in here.”