Pushing her to the ground, I let out a savage groan as she landed on all fours, then, because she insisted on fighting me like an animal, I fucked her like an animal.
I speared into her from behind—just like all the farmyard creatures did—and the scream she made? Holy shit, I lasted mere seconds.
I thrust savagely until her entire body rippled with her release, and then I pulled out, fisting myself hard as I came all over her back.
The shame that crashed over me was entirely new. It wasn’t about taking more than I deserved but going too far—for letting her push me until I snapped and only thought of myself. For getting so caught up in whatever war we’d been fighting that I’d hurt her.
But of course, Della hadn’t let me stew, and once we returned to our camp in stony silence, she’d climbed my body and kissed me deep, murmuring that having me behind her, driving into her like a monster had been the best experience thus far.
I hated to admit that I’d fucking loved it too, and unfortunately for both of us, we became hooked on pushing our limits. Of using trees to stand against and rocks to bend over and riverbanks to writhe on. Nothing was safe from our insatiable love, and even now, the minor scratches from this morning’s lovemaking still glowed on her palms from where I’d shoved her to her knees after she’d returned from washing in the river.
She made me a terrible person, but she also freed me in ways no one else could.
Sighing, I shrugged. “What do you want me to do? Get you pregnant?”
She froze. “Is that what you’re afraid of?”
Why did this conversation sound eerily like the one I’d had with Cassie the night I lost my virginity?
Putting the snare down, I hoisted my ass up and went to her. Brushing away the fish scale on her forehead, I sat down and murmured, “I’m not afraid of it. I’m afraid of losing you to something that’s full of complications and pain.”
Her eyes searched mine, deep and almost wary. “I know it’s early days, but we’ve never actually discussed our future.”
“Our future now that we’re together?”
She nodded shyly, looking back at the fish in her hands. “I know it’s technically only been a month, but it’s been so much longer than that. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve been yours for eighteen years. But I never thought about having children until the exact moment you said you were afraid of it.”
I clasped my hands between my knees, very aware how dangerous this subject could be. Before my dreams came true and I earned Della, I was adamant I didn’t want any more kids. It’d taken a lot out of me to raise her right and fix all the things I did wrong. I wasn’t exactly the best father figure for her. Look at us. We’d fallen in love despite everything telling us not to.
But in that moment, sitting beside her on a dead tree with the smell of smoke swirling around us and the sounds of happy birds serenading us, I had a flash of what life could be like if Della gave birth to my child.
Of another girl.
A girl who would once again own me completely, make me stress, make me proud, give me purpose—a legacy I could utterly adore. A legacy of both me and Della—a little girl who had her blue eyes and my dark hair and our cynicism of society.
And I wanted that.
Very much.
Just…not right now.
Tipping her chin up with my forefinger, I kissed her gently. A simple press of lips and love, not asking anything more than a quick connection. “I’m not afraid of it, Della. But I am selfish.”
“Oh, please.” She rolled her eyes. “Is this like when you said you were selfish in sex? Because you got that wrong. You never leave me wanting. You always—”
“I’m selfish because I’ve only just found you. I want to keep you for myself for a little longer. I want to share a world with you. I want to marry you. I want to give you everything you’ve ever wanted, and only then, once I’ve had you all to myself, will I be ready to share.”
Her shoulders slouched as love glowed on her face. Love I still couldn’t get used to. Love I would do anything to deserve. “Ren, we could have a hundred children and not one of them would steal me from you. I know women aren’t meant to admit this, but you would always come first for me. I wouldn’t be able to help it.”
I chuckled against her lips as I kissed her again. “You’ve just proven you’re not ready, either. You’re the one being selfish, Little Ribbon. When the day comes that you love me so much that your heart has expanded for more, that’s the day we’ll start a family. But not before.”