REN
* * * * * *
2018
WE’D WALKED FOR miles.
At the start of our journey, we’d cheated and used our remaining coins to catch a bus to the city limits. Another few miles up the road, and we would’ve passed the dairy farm I used to work for. Even this far away, the air was tainted with the smell of silage and cow manure.
Instead of heading that way, we’d cut across some farmer’s paddock, jumping over fences and ducking through wire until we approached the outskirts of the forest.
The trees were thin and sparse on the border, steadily growing thicker and taller as shadows swallowed them up. Fallen leaves scattered on the ground while the scent of must and mulch soothed a little of my heartache, welcoming me back.
Della paused as I stepped into the embrace of bracken and branches. We hadn’t talked much since leaving David. Our conversation stuck to impersonal topics such as where I’d stored the rest of our cash, if I gave the apartment key back, and how many supplies we had before we had to return to a town.
My answers had been soft and monosyllable, my mind still hung up on David’s questions. I needed to do this. We had no choice but to try. But what if…?
What if we realised we didn’t work as lovers?
Where would that leave us? How would we ever go back to being family?
I waited for Della to look up at the towering trees, glance over her shoulder, then stride toward me with resolution.
Joining me in the shadowy world, she asked quietly, “Are you happy, Ren?”
I jolted, my heart forgetting its own woe and focusing on hers. “What?”
She dropped her eyes. “Are you happy?”
“What sort of question is that?”
She looked up, annoyed. “One that you’re not answering.”
“Of course, I’m happy. You’re here. I’m happy whenever you’re around.”
“That wasn’t my question, and you know it.”
I sighed, dragging a hand through my hair. “I am happy, Della. But if you’re asking if I’m happy about what we’re doing, I can’t give you that.”
Her shoulders slouched. “Why not?”
“Because I don’t know if I am yet.”
“Oh.” She flinched, breaking me all over again. I wanted to hug her, but after years of denying myself, I didn’t remember how to just reach out and take her.
“I don’t want to lie to you, Little Ribbon.” I closed the distance between us, capturing her hand. “We both need to adjust. I’m sure if I asked you if you were happy, you wouldn’t be able to give me a direct answer.”
“I could.” Her fingers twitched in mine. “I am. So happy. But I’m also petrified that any second now, you’re going to say this was a terrible mistake and march me back to David’s.”
“Believe me.” I chuckled darkly. “I won’t ever take you back to David. You’re mine. You always have been.”
“Phew. I thought you forgot that part.” She half-smiled and walked into me, wrapping her arms around my waist.
“Never.” I allowed my embrace to envelop her, pressing my chin on the top of her head, smelling the subtle scent of melons. “You’ll always be mine, and I’m beyond happy to have you with me in the forest again. Is that enough for now?”
She nodded against my chest. “It’s enough.”
We stood together for a long while, once again committing to this and gathering courage to continue. Once we’d settled our heartbeats, we broke apart, striding deeper into the forest.
Our boots snapping twigs and backpacks creaking were the only sounds as we ventured farther. We didn’t talk—almost as if we were afraid of conversation and its power to make us wonder what would happen when we stopped for the night.
And now, we’d stopped.
For the past twenty minutes, Della had gathered firewood while I’d erected the tent that she’d given me on my twenty-seventh birthday. The same birthday she’d gotten her ribbon tattoo and I’d started a year’s disaster of sleeping with women I didn’t like, want, or need.
I’d despised myself for being so weak I’d sought companionship with women I couldn’t even remember.
Della dumped her armful of branches beside a fallen trunk I’d dragged into a small clearing to be a bench. Strolling over to me as I fixed the final tent peg into the ground, she put a hand on her hip. “Did you use this one while you were gone or our old one?”
“This one.” I stood, stretching out the kink in my back, cursing the aches in my chest. Just like old times, her gaze drifted to the bare flesh below my t-shirt and above my belt.
And just like old times, my heart smoked in desire and I shut down the aching in my blood.
But…I didn’t have to shut it down.
Not anymore.
How long would that habit take to break?
Della licked her lips as I lowered my arms. “I want to kiss you again, but I don’t know how.”