“This what?”
“Whatever this is won’t fix what you’ve been running from.”
“Don’t you think I don’t know that? That’s why I’m here, Della. Aren’t you fucking listening? I’m in love with you, too. Goddammit, can’t you tell? Can’t you see how much I’m breaking?”
That dreaded stifling silence fell again, numbing everything as she gawked at me. My words didn’t seem to register, bouncing off a force field designed to protect her heart, but then they stabbed into awareness, and she crumpled in place, wincing and crying, shaking her head with panic. “What sort of cruel joke is this? You missed me in the forest so figured you’d get me back by telling me what you think I need to hear?”
There was no hope in her gaze, no joy like I hoped; only resignation and age-old grief. “I know you, Ren. I know you’d never let yourself think of me any differently than the way you always have. I’m your Little Ribbon. Untouchable. Protectable. Something to be adored but never touched. Oh no, never touched.”
I closed my eyes briefly, unprepared for the depth of pain her mistrust caused. “I don’t know how to make you believe me. I’m in love with you. I’m head over fucking heels for you. I have been for years. How can I make you see that?”
I spilled my darkest secret with my eyes still closed, and when I opened them again, she was closer to the door and farther from me, her gaze tormented with new thoughts. The same dangerous light she’d had when she cornered me with the idea of going to school the first time, of the suggestion we share a last name, of the fight when she didn’t want to go back to the city after months of bliss in the forest—glowed bright and savage, ready to destroy me.
I knew that look.
It was a look that petrified me because I never won against it.
My hand rose, imploring her not to run or do something we’d both regret. “Della…”
She shook her head again. “Don’t.”
“Whatever you’re thinking…stop it.”
She licked her lips, her forehead furrowing deep. “I just remembered what you said.”
“That I’m in love with you?”
“No. Before that. The truth.”
“That is the goddamn truth. I love—”
“Stop it, Ren! Okay, just stop it!” she shouted, her tone snippy and sharp. “I can’t deal with this. You’re spouting nonsense that makes me think you hit your head. And that’s after you admitted that you’ve been back for months. Months!” Her voice thinned until it was soundless. “You’ve been watching me, haven’t you? I wasn’t imagining it.”
I hung my head. “No, you weren’t.”
“Every day?”
“Yes.”
“How could you? How could you do that to me?”
I didn’t understand how I’d hurt her, but I put aside my questions and bowed to hers. “Because I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t stand to be away from you.”
“But you left!” Her voice rose with a breakable octave. “You left me. You walked out that door.”
“I know.”
“Ugh!” She blinked back tears, her body wobbling with sadness and rage. “Want to know why I don’t believe that you’re in love with me? Because if you were, there is no way you could wait so long. Months, you’ve been back. Months where you watched me and made me think I was going insane. Remember all those times growing up when I knew you stared at me and I stared at you? Remember how in-tune and aware we were of each other?
“I knew that day when you needed help counting and charging up those hay-buying customers. I felt you looking at me over acres of paddock. I’ve woken up at night to you watching me. Just like you did with me. I’ve spent a lifetime learning how my skin prickles when you think of me. Did you forget that, Ren? Did you forget that I might have been lying to you for years, but you’ve just tried to do the same with me in the worst possible way?”
I shook my head. “I-I don’t understand. I needed time to figure out how to tell you—”
“No, you needed time to do your best to convince yourself it wasn’t real.”
“If you know it’s real, why are you arguing?”
“Because you didn’t come to me the moment you returned. The difference of loving someone and being in love, Ren, is loving someone can be full of obligation and self-denial. But being in love makes you selfish and greedy and hungry. It turns you into a self-serving monster because you can’t breathe unless you have the one person you need.”
She laughed coldly. “I know because I’ve lived in that emotion for so damn long. I’ve hated myself for how much I wanted you. What I did to myself thinking about you. How I used other boys to scratch the itch that was you. But you? You watch me from afar. You selfishly know I’m safe, watching me, studying me, all while I’m left wondering if you’re even still alive! How could someone who says they’re in love with another do that, huh? How could you stay away when it’s taking all I have not to rip off my towel and pull you down onto my bed even while I hate you?”