“I said I’m sorry. So unbelievably sorry.”
“Ha!” She wriggled out of my grip, pushing me away. “I don’t want your apology. I don’t accept your apology. You leave after promising you never would, then come back at the worst possible time? No. Nuh uh. I won’t let you make me feel as if I’ve lost my mind. I won’t let you do this to me, do you hear me?!”
“Do what? Come back because I can’t survive without you? Come back to tell you the truth that’s been fucking tearing me apart every day since I left—”
“Stop it!” She clutched her hair. “This isn’t real. I’m imagining this. I’ve finally lost it, and you’re just a figment—”
“I’m not. I’m real.” I grabbed her wrists, yanking her hands from her golden strands. “I’m here. You’re here. And I want to tell you that what I read in those pages…fuck, Della. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Her gaze fell to the scattered paper by our feet. Her face twisted with another complex recipe of hate and horror. “God, you did read it. How much did you read? That wasn’t yours, Ren! None of it was. It was mine, and you’ve taken that just like you’ve taken everything else from me!”
My heart imploded into a black hole, sucking everything into it until my insides hollowed out with grief. I’d not only hurt the woman I loved, I’d ruined her.
Just like I ruined myself.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t mean—”
“But you did! You left.”
“But I’m back now.”
“Yes, and you read something that was private!”
“But it’s us. You wrote about us. Me and you. If I’m not allowed to read it, then who is?”
“Anyone but you!” She threw her hands toward the ceiling. “Literally anyone—” Her rage abandoned her with another rib-quaking sob. “God, why does this hurt so much?!” She stifled her sobs as fast as they appeared, but not before slicing my heart with their razor-sharp agony. “Just…go away.”
“I’m not leaving.”
“Well, I don’t want you here.”
“Too bad.” I crossed my arms even though I trembled with every urge to sweep her off her feet, gather her close, and rock her on the bed. She was angry, yes, but beneath her anger was heart-shattering pain.
Pain I’d caused.
Pain I needed to repair.
Wiping away wet tears, she narrowed her eyes. Her chest rose and fell with temper as she bit out, “What are you doing here anyway? Why now? Do you know how hard you’re making this for me? I thought I was going crazy when I came back here. Everything smells of you. My bed was made. The shower clean. I thought I’d lost it. But now…now it makes sense.” Her anger smoked into something new and condemning. “Wait. You were here before…weren’t you? Oh, God.” She froze, flinching with ice. “How long have you been back?”
I squeezed the back of my neck. I wanted to discuss anything else but that. She hated me enough without giving her another reason.
“Ren?” She stepped closer, bringing her fury until it gnawed into my flesh. “How long, Ren?”
I swallowed hard before admitting, “A few weeks.”
“Weeks!”
“Maybe a couple of months.”
“What?!” She spun around, her towel loosening around her fuming frame, teasing me with glimpses of skin as she snatched it tight and jerkily re-did the knot by her breasts.
I gulped back a wash of insane hunger.
This was dangerous.
Our fights always made me feel out of control, and this one was no different. Yet this time, my desire to rip off her towel and force her to understand what I was saying overshadowed my desire to stop arguing.
What I’d been trying to say all along.
If only she’d fucking listen!
“I couldn’t leave you,” I snapped, my own temper building to match hers. I hated that she’d turned this moment into something violent instead of the homecoming I desperately needed. I hated that I’d hurt her so much she couldn’t forgive me like she usually would. And I hated that ravenous appetites did their best to unhinge me and make me forget that I might be ready to accept that I wanted her in so many indecent ways, but first and foremost, I was her friend, protector, and caregiver, and she had every right to hate me for doing exactly what I said I’d never do.
“I abandoned you. I know that.” I stepped forward, chasing her as she paced the small bedroom. “And you have every right to hate me. But, Della, I need you to listen. I came back because I couldn’t stay away. I tried. I really did. I did my best to leave—to let you live your life without me ruining it even more—but each time I packed up my gear and hit the trail, I ended up doubling back until I found the same camp. I-I couldn’t go. I couldn’t stop what I feel for you.”