I couldn’t.
The story wasn’t over.
“I know it wasn’t easy for you, waiting until I opened my eyes. Hiding the fact you were in love with me when I was so stupidly blind. But you need to know I was in love with you for far longer than I ever let on. I’d wanted you for years.
“You truly are my other half, Della.” My voice broke, cracked, shattered. “And now…now I’m leaving you again. But this time, it’s not by choice.”
My arm latched her closer, smothering her against me. “It’s not fair. I know I should say I’m okay with it, but, Ribbon…I’m fucking terrified.” A cough exploded from my lips.
“Ren.” Della crawled up my body, curling into me with her knees bent and face tucked in the crook of my shoulder, her tears loud in my ear.
I hugged her closer as my own tears came again, and honesty that I’d promised myself would stay trapped inside overflowed. “For the first time, you won’t be there. I won’t have you by my side. I don’t want to go anywhere without you. I can’t do it. I-I—” I coughed again, working myself up, causing my lungs to falter.
“Ren…stop.”
“No, I-I have to get this out. I’m so sorry, Della. So eternally sorry that I’m leaving against our wishes. I wish I never got sick. I wish I could continue holding you—”
“I know. Me too.”
“I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want to hurt you. I can’t believe I have the audacity to complain about dying while you…you have the harder path. I never wanted to do this to you, Della. Never wanted to cause you so much pain.”
“I know you didn’t.”
“And I’m sorry for being weak now. For ruining this even more.”
“You’re not—”
“You were my biggest joy, and now, you’re my greatest sadness.” I swiped my face free from tears, glowering at the blackness. “Fuck, I’m not being fair. I’m being so selfish. So cruel. I should tell you I’m not afraid. That I’m okay saying goodbye—”
A cough ripped my voice apart, tearing through the night.
It took a while before I could breathe well enough to continue. “I should accept that this is just life. But I don’t accept it. I rage against it. Because fate’s plan was you. You and me. Together. And now…”
I coughed again, shaking both of us.
“Shush, Ren. I know. I know more than you think.” Her touch feathered over my wet cheeks, her hand shaking. “I’m just as angry as you. Just as twisted with hate at how unfair all of this is. I’m not ready to say goodbye, either.” She kissed me, her sadness mixing with mine. “I never will be.”
I held her close, kissing her violently, wanting to drink her soul and take her with me. “Without you, what am I? Who am I?” My teeth nipped at her lip. “Almost every memory I have, you’re in. Almost every recollection, you’re there. And I know I’m the same for you. Our lives are so entwined, there is no before. No time where we were separate. Therefore, there can be no ending. Right?”
I kissed her again and again. “We’re tied together for life a-and we’ll just have to hold onto that. This isn’t the end. It can’t be. It just can’t.”
Della nodded, kissing me as furiously as I kissed her. “I’m tied to you just as surely as you’re tied to me, Ren Wild. We’ll never lose each other. Ever.”
Our breathing was haggard as our foreheads pressed together, and Della climbed back onto my lap.
Somehow, I was hard even though I was distraught, and she slid me inside her, connecting us even while we said our goodbyes.
As we rocked together, I allowed myself to be spiteful. To speak the truth. To ease some of the burden I’d been carrying. “You’ll have a lifetime without me. I’m fucking heartbroken that it won’t be us anymore.”
Her sobs came hard. “Me too.”
“I’m jealous of your future, Little Ribbon.”
“Don’t be. I will always belong to you.”
“I’m livid at my inability to stop this. I want to bargain with the devil for one more year. I’d sell my soul for just one more day with you.”
“I’d sell mine, too.”
We grinded against each other, roughly, meanly. My hands guided her hips, clamping her down harder, forcing her to take all of me.
Talking ceased as we fought each other and our grief.
My coughing mixed with our groans, and hands slapped over our mouths to stay silent and not wake Jacob.
Before, we’d made love.
Now, we fucked.
And it was messy, wet, and nasty.
It was our version of the war inside our hearts, the physical need to hurt each other when none of this was our fault.
Finally, when my thrusts went deep and Della came around me, and my body released the sick cocktail of rage and relief, we clung to each other, sweaty and sad, our tempers no longer as hot.