I froze. “Chemo?”
“We’ll give you drugs to combat the side effects. They’ve proven to help with nausea and hair loss. We won’t keep you on it long. Just enough to zap those bastards.”
I looked away, my eyes dancing over the room, desperate to find something that wasn’t a medical sketch or graphic image. I wanted trees and grass and sunlight. I needed to get out of this godforsaken place.
“We should discuss what happened in the field,” Rick said. “What made you pass out? Pain? Breathlessness?”
I shrugged, dropping my gaze to the floor. At least that was boringly safe with its grey-yellow linoleum. “I couldn’t breathe. I don’t remember, really. Just…air that refused to come.”
“Okay. Have you been overdoing it?”
I chuckled under my breath. “Define overdoing it.”
“Working from sun-up to sun-down, not resting, not stopping to eat a decent meal?”
“Ah.” I grinned morosely. “Based on that, then yes. I might have been overdoing it.”
Rick scowled, his Scottish accent thickening. “This isn’t a joking matter.”
“Don’t you think I don’t know that?”
“I know you’re trying to get your life in order…before you can’t. But you also have to give yourself the best possible chance—”
“No. I have to give her the best possible chance. My pain ends when I die. Hers doesn’t.”
Rick stilled. “Are you in pain?”
I clenched my jaw. I hadn’t meant to reveal that. I’d done a good job of hiding that even from Della. It wasn’t often. It wasn’t all the time. But the discomfort was starting to weigh on me.
“If you need painkillers—”
“I can handle it.”
Rick clicked his pen with sharp stabs. “It’s not about handling it, Ren. It’s about taking that uncomfortableness away, so your body can focus on other things.”
“So your answer is yet more drugs? Drugs on top of drugs.” I rolled my eyes. “I’m surprised I don’t bleed chemicals at this point.”
Rick sighed, frustrated. “What other option do you have? Be a walking infusion of pharmaceuticals or die sooner? It’s not really something that can be debated.”
My hands curled. None of this was fair.
I knew I was being a prick. I knew my surly temper wasn’t helping. And I knew that I’d deliberately done this to myself because I shouldn’t have worked so damn hard.
I knew all of that.
And yet…Della.
I couldn’t leave her in a one bedroom stable at the generosity of the Wilsons. Of course, they’d never turn her out, but it wasn’t just her anymore.
My allegiance had grown to incorporate my wife and my son.
And they both needed protecting the best way I could.
John had overstepped and given us land that we could never afford, and that ate away at me every goddamn day. But at least, by working the fields and making it earn its keep, I had an income to pay him back. A little at a time, a dollar here, a hundred there, until I’d repaid him at market value of what the hundred acres were worth.
I wouldn’t finish that duty before my dying day, but I could whittle out a large chunk. Then the land would truly belong to Della and Jacob because I’d bought it for them with blood, sweat, and the occasional tear in the dark.
A tear for everything I would miss.
A tear for everything I loved.
“Wh-what about surgery?” My voice was small, hunching in on itself.
I didn’t want to be cut open, but I would if it gave me more time.
I would do anything for another year, another day, another hour.
Rick inhaled. “Surgery is an option. However, as with everything, it comes with risks.”
“What sort of risks?”
“Well, there are a few procedures. EPP, Extra Pleural Pneumonectomy, is the most radical as it removes an entire lung, the lining around the lung, and the diaphragm. Needless to say, recovery after surgery can be long, and you’d have to change your lifestyle to accommodate living with a single lung, as well as be prepared for other complications down the line.” He clasped his hands together, discarding the clicking of his pen. “I have thought about it, I won’t lie. But with your tumours being so small and in both your lungs, it’s not something I’d recommend.”
I swallowed hard. “And the other options?”
“Pleurectomy/Decortication, also known as lung-sparing surgery. It’s more detailed than EPP but leaves the lung intact and only removes the pleura lining. Again, I wouldn’t recommend it. The only one I might consider is Thoracentesis, which can be done under local anaesthetic where a long, thin needle is used to drain fluid in the pleural space, or Pleurodesis, where talc is injected into the layers of the pleura and then suctioned out.”
I winced. “Sounds painful.”
“It’s actually a fairly straightforward procedure that requires minimal healing, and ninety percent of patients claim it gives them relief from pain and breathlessness. The lungs create scar tissue, effectively sealing the pleura and preventing any more fluid build-up.”