My theory was the water would hide any escaped sobs and camouflage the sadness pouring down my cheeks.
To be honest, I didn’t even know why I cried.
It wasn’t like I’d cheated on Ren. It wasn’t like I had any other sexual experience to judge other than sleeping with David on Natty’s bedroom floor.
I was eighteen and so messed up by the boy who’d raised me that I was a wreck after having such a lovely evening with a man anyone would be lucky to date.
But you know what?
You know what I’ve kept tucked inside where all dark, disturbing secrets live?
The real reason I cried that night?
It was because I felt him.
I’ve felt him for weeks.
Every day, the sensation of him being close gets worse.
Eyes everywhere.
On the street, in my class, in my dreams.
A yearning that matches mine. A pleading that mirrors mine.
And I know it’s just my mind playing tricks on me, but dammit, I have this feeling that if I turn quickly enough, I’ll catch Ren behind me. This constant awareness that if I just breathe his name, he’ll miraculously appear, just won’t let me move on.
I’m stuck in limbo.
I’m becoming unhappier instead of happier.
I’m becoming lost instead of found.
And I need to do something…soon, because if I don’t, I’m afraid of what I’ll become.
I say I’m strong, but the reality is, dear assignment, I’m not.
I’m brittle and fragile and made of spun glass where my insides are nothing more than swirling smoke looking for a crack to escape, to hitch a ride on the wind, to fly into the forest, desperate to find the boy who stole my heart and beg him to make me whole again.
* * * * *
Six months.
Six eternally long months.
Nothing much has happened. I haven’t slept with David again. Things are a little weird, but we continue to co-inhabit well enough.
I haven’t had the energy to write.
But something changed, and I have news.
Funny, how honesty is always the worst weapon, isn’t it?
I’ve turned to you as a sounding board because I have no one else to talk to. Natty is on David’s side—as she should be. David is doing his best to date me—as he should with our history. And all along, I keep my secrets until I can tell you.
Normally, I write on a park bench while waiting for the bus after school, or in a coffee shop during lunch hour, but the other night, I stupidly left my computer on standby in the lounge, not password protected like normal, and David read everything.
He saw what I wrote about sleeping with him.
He saw how sad I was.
How empty and angry and confused.
I offered to leave, but David didn’t kick me out. He didn’t walk away from me, but he has withdrawn his offer of dating.
He said it was his fault to push for something he knew I wasn’t ready for. That he understands I’m not over Ren, but will continue to support me as a friend.
He’s correct, of course, but having him confront me so calmly with no blame or ridicule made me feel even worse.
He knows what it’s like to love and not be loved in return, and to my utmost horror, I’ve done it to him again. Not that he’s in love with me, but there is something there. Something that could become something, if you know what I mean.
Anyway, I’m running out of time, my Uber will be here soon, and I’m taking you to my old apartment. I’m going to print off every stupid word and burn you like I should’ve done the moment I knew I couldn’t hand you in.
I’ve told David I’m having the afternoon away to get my head and heart on the same page. That I’ll return in better shape and ready to stop moping around his house.
My printer is still gathering dust in my old room.
The clothes I don’t wear still in my wardrobe.
The bed I don’t sleep in still waiting for a dreamer.
It’s time, don’t you think?
Time to stop this—all of it. Time to cancel the lease on somewhere I’m not living, time to patch up the heart I’m not using, and finally put the past where it belongs.
Behind me.
Oh, my Uber is here.
I had other things to say, but I suppose they’re unimportant now.
Farewell, assignment.
This is the last you’ll hear from me, and I want to say thank you before I let you go.
Thank you for being a shoulder to cry on. Thank you for being the only one who truly understood how I felt about Cassie, Ren, David…everyone.
Just thanks, for everything.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
REN
* * * * * *
2018
THE EVENING DELLA slept with David I forced myself to stop being ridiculous.
I sucked up my pride, rubbed out my bruises, and trekked the few blocks to the abandoned apartment that my cash still paid for.