“It’s okay.” He patted my shoulder. “I get it. I feel the same way about Patty.” He buckled as if someone had shot him. “Felt. I felt the same way about Patty.” He swallowed a few times, getting his grief under control. “I loved that woman, and I know the fear you’re living with because I’ve felt it myself. I think everyone feels it when they love something so much.”
I slouched, cupping my hands between my legs. “How are you coping now the worst has happened?” It was a terrible thing to ask, but I had to know. I had to understand how broken I would be if Della ever left me. Either by choice or death.
John took his time, staring at the headstones in front of us. “I’m still alive, against my better wishes, but I have a family relying on me. I can’t give up because I owe Patty to keep going. You can’t fear the end, Ren. Not when you have so much to look forward to.”
His words hovered between us.
I should’ve continued to let them hover. Instead, I blurted, “Della got pregnant. Ectopic. She got sick. It showed me just how much I’ve been avoiding the future, and that I can’t anymore.”
“I’m sorry.” His gruff voice calmed me somehow. “You know, I never liked seeing Patricia pregnant. I know some men say it’s the best thing they’ll ever experience—seeing their wives fat with their unborn child, but not me.” Shaking his head, his tone thickened. “I never relaxed until she’d given birth and was back at home happy, and bossy, and just as full of life as normal. Only then did I let myself focus on my new child.”
I’d forgotten how easy it was to talk to John.
Forgotten how nice it was to have someone to confide in when I wrapped myself up in knots. Even on a day like today.
“Thank you.” I nodded, coughing again. “That helps. Especially when I keep thinking I’m the worst man alive for hating the thought of Della getting pregnant, only to crave a family with her one day.”
John smiled sadly. “You’re not the worst. If you’re anything like you were before, you’re the opposite of worst.” Slipping back into a reclined position, he asked, “So, I’m guessing your last name…you’ve kept it? Do you introduce her as your wife instead of your sister?”
My heart skipped. “Look, we can talk about this another time. I-I don’t feel right. Today should be about—”
“Pat would want to know how you two are doing. Same as me. My grief isn’t going anywhere, Ren. Believe me. It’s nice to have a reprieve.” He cocked his chin. “Go on. Fill me in.”
I sighed again, amazed that in a few minutes of conversation, John had successfully brought up all my greatest fears and somehow given me freedom to discuss them. “Well, I put her through high-school. I watched her date assholes who didn’t deserve her. I hurt her by sleeping with women, all while doing my best to fight what I felt for her—”
“And when did you know what that was?” His bushy eyebrow rose.
I cleared my throat, unable to look him in the eye. “The night she ran away.”
“Yeah, I thought as much.”
“That was why you said not to come back, isn’t it?” I rubbed the back of my neck, unable to delete my tension. “You knew people wouldn’t be able to accept that we’d lied after we went so far to make it the truth.”
“I sent you away because you both needed to figure out who you were away from people who thought they knew for you.” He looked at the rain-threatening sky. “I fell for Pat when I was young. Fifteen, to be exact. I knew I wanted to marry her the second she smiled at me, but it took almost a decade to convince her father I wasn’t just trying to get her into bed.”
I laughed under my breath, smothering yet another cough. “Seems you won.”
“I did.” He smiled smugly. “I was married to my soulmate for forty-eight years. And I didn’t take a single year for granted.”
I kicked at a pebble, wanting so fucking much to have what he had. “I want to marry Della. And I’m going to somehow. But no one knows who we are. We don’t exist. We have no birth certificates or passports. How can we get married without that stuff?”
John flicked me a glance. “That will make it tricky.”
“But…not impossible?” I hated that my heart beat quicker, tasting hope.
“Nothing is impossible.” Giving me a watery smile, John patted my knee with his heavy paw. “I’m happy for you, Ren. I always knew you kids loved each other, and I’m not above admitting I was worried once or twice when I believed you were true relations. I’m glad you chose to fight for her and not go your separate ways.” Tears glistened again. “True love is a blessing and so damn hard to find.”