But not right now.
Right now, I want you to continue liking me…for just a little longer.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
DELLA
* * * * * *
Present Day
ME AGAIN.
Strange, huh?
I closed my laptop a few hours ago, intending to put aside my past and the emotions that are tearing me up inside, but I can’t sleep.
I can’t stop thinking about Ren.
Always Ren.
I want to cry to relieve the aching pressure in my chest every time I think about him, but all I can do is laugh in the darkness and try to expand my ribs to contain the ever ballooning need that will never earn what it wants.
Melodramatic enough for you?
Too much for me, and I’m the one living this soap opera.
You know, until that last chapter, I’ve never actually said those words out loud…
Those terrible words that tear away the curtain and light up the truth in blinding stage lights with orchestras playing sad strings and empty amphitheatres pitying the poor wretched soul admitting such a tragedy.
Never really allowed myself to admit what I’ve known for so long.
I’m in love with Ren Wild.
It looks even worse in bold, doesn’t it?
It looks like a life sentence that I can never be free of…which in a way, is exactly what it is.
I can’t pinpoint the exact moment my childish affection turned to teenage crush turned to forever kind of addiction.
But what I do know is I will always love Ren.
I will always be in love with Ren.
And I also know I will never have him, and I’ll end up marrying some other man who doesn’t reach into my heart or has power over my every living breath like he does.
Anyway, enough of my present-day dramas.
You’re not here to hear about that…not yet, anyway. There’s still a fair piece of the story to go before I can share what I did yesterday or today or what I have planned for tomorrow.
Spoiler alert: I have no plans for tomorrow apart from ensuring my lies are hidden and my smiles are innocent, and my deep, dark desires are tucked far away.
Same as every day…nothing new, so I might as well give you something interesting.
Let’s return to Cherry River.
I ended the previous chapter talking about Ren being ill with chicken pox and kind of went on another tangent about Cassie (grr) and my idiotic behaviour (ugh).
Cassie…
My favourite subject, and yes, I’m being sarcastic.
I know I keep flogging this subject, and this is the last time, I swear, but when it was just me and her…I loved her. I need you to see that.
I wholeheartedly adored that girl.
But when it was the three of us…well…what can I say that I haven’t already?
Ren was mine.
Even as a kid, I’d known that. To a seven-year-old, my need for Ren stemmed from being the centre of his attention, the favourite in his heart, and confident in my place as first within his life.
Cassie threatened all of that.
And now, as an almost-adult, I can say she threatened my future too.
I didn’t know it then, but over the years, she and Ren got close—even when they weren’t sneaking behind barns or into stables to make out, they still had a fondness for each other.
Ren would often drop everything whenever she called on the emergency cell phone she’d make him have on the nights she’d sneak out with her troublemaker friends.
I’d tagged along with him for a few pickups.
Whenever that phone rang—way past midnight when John and Patricia believed their innocent daughter was safely tucked up in bed—Ren and I would ‘borrow’ the Land Rover and drive to wherever she was currently tipsy and partying.
She’d squeal my name, grab my hands as if I was her favourite person, then dash to the driver’s side and plant a big, wet kiss on Ren’s mouth.
I hated that, but I didn’t mind her floppy and giggly in the back seat, regaling us with tales of bonfires and who hooked up with whom that night.
She was hard work, but she made it enjoyable by including us in her escapades.
Ren and I would share a look from where I sat up front with him. He’d roll his eyes and whisper things under his breath only I could hear—copying her or mocking her—our own little game.
In a way, Cassie made us become closer.
We had something in common, and we all shared a secret that the adults didn’t know about. Even Liam didn’t know what his sister got up to at night, and I enjoyed being in the big kids group even if I didn’t understand what she meant when she used words like fucked and fingered.
During those conversations, Ren would turn on the radio and make me dance along with him. He’d drive one-handed while grabbing my arm with the other, distracting me with loud music from whatever naughty things Cassie was confessing.
Anywho, I did it again…I went on another Cassie tangent.