He stopped pacing, swaying in place, ghosts of firelight dancing over his face. “I managed to break into the second-story window and pull my mother to safety. Otosan went to get Kade when the gas cylinder in the kitchen blew up and sent the house into smithereens. I tried to go back in, but the fire crew arrived and stopped me. I can still hear my mother’s screams, my curses, and the knowledge I’ll forever have their blood on my hands.”
He looked up, his skin white and eyes far away. “After that, we had nowhere to go. No one would take us in because of my ties to the Chinmoku. With no home, my mother and I ended up on the streets. I traded my skill of playing sonnets for pillaging pockets. Until one day, she just vanished. I found out later her brother had offered her a place to live if she abandoned me—which she was only too happy to do.”
I slapped a hand over my mouth in horror. “That’s awful.”
He shrugged. “She blamed me—rightfully—for killing her husband and son. I didn’t blame her. I blamed myself.”
He rolled his shoulders, the conclusion to his story coming out in a rush. “I knew where her brother lived and went to beg for her forgiveness. They all turned their backs on me and told me I was a ghost. I had died in that fire too, and that was all there was to it.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t pity me.” He held up his hand. “Never pity me. I take full responsibility, just like I take full responsibility for what I’ve done to you.” He threw me a broken smile. “That’s why I can’t let myself relax when I’m around you. Why when I say it’s not your body I’m after, I’m telling the goddamn truth. I need to master you, Pim. I need to study, control, and manipulate you until you give me every tiny scrap. And I refuse to fucking do that.”
I held his stare. “That doesn’t explain why you won’t kiss me. Why you said you could only have me once.”
“I can’t believe this.” He looked at the ceiling then back at me. “Are you asking why I won’t sleep with you? I thought you’d be glad about that after everything you’ve been through.”
I broke eye contact. I couldn’t lie after he’d been so honest, but I couldn’t hide the truth either. “Part of me will be forever thankful that you don’t want me that way. That the other night was a slip and I’ll never have to have sex again.”
He spoke with thick loathing. “And the other part?”
“That part is curious. It wants to know how different it could be with someone I trust. I like when you kiss me. I like the way it makes me feel.”
He pressed his lips together as if I’d shocked him silent.
I breathed in, embarrassment pinking my cheeks. “I-I could’ve refrained from saying that, but after everything you just told me, I had to tell the truth. For you and for me.”
He moved closer.
I didn’t look up. I couldn’t. I’d dropped to my knees out of support, but now I hated the power exchange. I didn’t flinch as he stopped in front of me or pull back when he tilted my chin up with his finger.
When our eyes met, he smiled sadly. “I won’t have sex with you again because I could lose myself in you. I would become utterly, terribly addicted. Once I’d had you—fully had you where you wanted me as much as I wanted you—I’d never be able to stop. I’d fuck you every hour of every day. I’d forget to eat, sleep, breathe. All I would need is you. All I would want is you. And that sort of obsession is not healthy—for either of us.”
Letting me go, he strode to the deck where the doors remained open, letting the muggy night air mingle with the heavy confessions we’d bestowed. “That’s the main reason I want to set you free, Pim. Not for you but for me. I need you gone before I do something I can’t undo. Before I destroy both of us.”
Chapter Fifteen
______________________________
Elder
“FUCKING HARDER. WHAT are you? Turning pussy on me?”
Selix grunted as he swung the katakana swords directly at my head. “Giving you a break. Your mind isn’t fully in the game.”
“It’s not a game.” I ducked and struck him in the back with the training nunchucks that didn’t break bones but definitely bruised.
He grunted as I parried backward, sweat rivering down my naked torso and soaking into my sweatpants. “It’s a fight, Selix, so be a fucking man and fight.”
“Oh, yeah?” He roundhoused me, taking me by surprise, using his foot as his weapon and not the swords in his hands. “Fine, I’ll fight.”
I grunted as my lungs forgot how to work. “That’s how you want to play, huh? Cheap shots?” Tossing the nunchucks to the side, I attacked him with my fists. “You got it.”