Use them.
Bribe him…
Adrenaline filled me as I swallowed back foul memories, doing my best to envision using beaten-taught expertise to buy myself more time.
Do it.
It’s the only way.
Clamping down on doubt, I jogged into the bathroom.
For a moment, I just stood there.
What am I thinking?
I shook my head. No, I couldn’t do it.
You can.
I hated it with Alrik.
I’ll hate it with Elder.
But if it kept me safe…wasn’t the discomfort worth it?
Sucking in a breath, I stared at myself in the mirror.
A girl I no longer recognised stared back. I couldn’t believe I contemplated doing the one act I deplored above everything, all in the name of bartering for my freedom. Taking my own life was more preferable, more acceptable.
But I lived in a commerce world. People traded things all the time. Items that didn’t hold value for the current owner were priceless to another.
All it would cost me was dignity and self-worth. I’d given up such things the moment I was sold. It was the currency I’d been taught—the sum value I was willing to spend.
It would bankrupt me, but to Elder, it would carry the weight of winning.
And if he felt I’d finally accepted his terms…
It’s worth a try.
Ignoring my trembles, I combed my hair until it shone glossy and thick. I pinched my cheeks until a healthy young girl stared back. I opened my mouth, touching the red line on my tongue where no black stitches remained, then sucked up every droplet of courage I had left.
Placing my hands on the marble either side of the sink, I leaned forward, braced, fidgeted, braced again, then parted my lips.
My tongue shaped and tested silent words. My vocal cords tossed off grime and grit to obey. And my lungs inflated with the knowledge that here and now, I took back a piece of myself I’d locked away.
My first word was my own.
I was the one who deserved it the most.
Looking into my green-blue eyes, I whispered, “Stop being we—” Pain lacerated my throat. I stopped, coughing as tears formed and I massaged the abused larynx that was no longer on a sabbatical.
The first vibration into understandable sounds was hard and painful and croaky.
But to my ears, they were utterly sublime.
Smiling through tears, I tried again. “Stop being weak, you—” another cough, swallow, wince “—have to—to decide.”
The stutter-hum of my voice sent goosebumps down my spine. I’d forgotten what I sounded like. My English accent was different to the many ethnicities Elder hired on board.
I sound like my mother.
Wetness spilled over my cheeks as I let questions flow. Where was she? Why hadn’t she picked up the phone that day? Did she ever think about me?
Pushing her away, I dug my fingernails into the marble and inhaled deep. I prepared to unlock the remaining snares and bear-traps around my throat. “No one else deser—deserved your first words but y—you. Stop being a vic—” Ouch, that word hurt more than the others.
Turning on the tap, I poured a little water into my palm and drank. Once the burn in my throat was dampened, I finished. “Stop being a vic—victim.”
My eyes narrowed in reproach even as I continued to berate myself. “You have to decide, Min—Minnie Mouse.”
I coughed, swallowed, took another drink of water. My father’s nickname sent more tears plopping against the sink. My voice wobbled from sadness as well as ill practice. “Run. Find a way to escape—”
Another cough stopped me short. Hot pain overwhelmed me, and as much as I wanted to continue talking, my body was not ready.
Locking eyes to the mirrored reflection, my forehead furrowed with concentration.
Escape, Tasmin. Go home…even if there is no home to return to. Do whatever it takes. Or decide if you want him to keep you. The world is not safe out there. You saw first-hand how Elder steals and that man buys pleasure. Perhaps you were never meant to live amongst normal. Perhaps there is no more normal.
My fingertips pressed against the mirror. This isn’t so bad, is it? Sure, he’ll make you do things, sexual things, but he’s proven to be human beneath his monster.
I couldn’t look deep enough inside myself to find answers. I didn’t know what I wanted. But I did know I didn’t want to be sold.
Not now. Not ever.
Never again.
You know what you must do then.
I nodded at my reflection, dropping my fingers from the cool mirror and swiping at the streaks of salt on my cheeks. Each breath plugged up the holes inside with ideas and fears and wishes.
Swallowing, I muttered two words before embracing my silence once again. Two words solidifying my commitment to doing whatever was necessary to keep myself alive, no matter what world I stayed alive in.
“I know.”
Pushing off from the sink, I strode from the bathroom before I could change my mind.