Is it stupid not to be afraid of his fists or boots or chains? Is it ridiculous that I don’t fear sticks and whips and torture equipment? All I truly fear is him. His…penis.
Will it hurt?
Will I bleed?
Who will be there to talk to me when it’s over and I feel different? When he forces me from girl to woman? Teen to slave? Free to broken?
You, I guess. Only you.
Until tomorrow, No One.
Sleep well because I won’t.
TO NO ONE,
I—I thought I could do this. But I can’t. I thought I could tell you what he did. But I won’t. All I can say is…his idea of welcome included things I never want to experience again. It hurt. So, so much. I can barely sit without wanting to scream in agony while writing this to you.
He took my virginity.
Multiple times.
He made me wish sex was never invented.
God, it hurt so much, No One.
But he didn’t kill me.
So I’ll focus on that.
And do my best to figure out how to survive.
TO NO ONE,
How long have I lived here? I’ve forgotten. Is it two weeks or three? Ten weeks or twelve?
Alrik deliberately keeps calendars out of the house, and every technology device he owns is password protected. I know because I’ve tried. I’ve stood in the dark trying to hack his encryption. I’ve pretended to sleep, chained in the corner of his bedroom, all while fumbling with the number lock on his cell-phone.
The only way I can judge passing months is the regular contraceptive injection he gives me.
Oh, No One, if you could see me? God, I’m so glad you can’t see me.
How was I ever so vain to think I was pretty? Why did I ever want to lose the puppy fat that gave me curves? I can honestly say if my mother saw me now, she’d walk right past me. She wouldn’t recognise me. I don’t recognise me.
Alrik cut my hair three nights ago. Or was it six? I don’t know. All I know was his fists on my skin and his boots in my belly weren’t enough for him. He had to slice away the hair I used to shield my face from his. He took away my protection with four snips of the kitchen scissors.
He left me with a mismatched jaw-length massacre. That doesn’t bother me. The hacked strands can’t weaken me, but the fact he didn’t tidy up his awful hack job damaged my belief that I could endure what my future holds.
By leaving me this way, he’s shown how much he doesn’t care.
He called me his prized possession.
I’m not.
I’m his trophy to be tarnished and dented and then put back on a mantel to fade from gold to dirty bronze before being shoved in a box and forgotten about. How long before I’m in the box, No One?
Do I even want to know?
To No One,
I talk to you every day (if I can steal the time), but have you noticed I’m not writing everything down? Not walking you through my daily horrors or regaling the truth of what I endure?
Do you want to know why?
Because nobody should have to read what has become of me. No one should have to see what that raping bastard does.
I’ll spare you.
And I’ll spare myself by not recalling it.
Dear No One,
Today, Alrik told me I’ve been with him for a year. A year! One disgusting, awful, crippling year.
A year…
That’s far too long to contemplate.
I did everything I could to escape—you know that. I hid from him, I fought him—I even tried to kill him.
And I paid for my attempts.
You’re the only thing I have, No One. Only you know the true facts. Only you understand what I’ve done to survive. How I gave up a piece of myself to protect what I have left. How he can hurt my body but he can no longer hurt my soul.
I’ve learned to manipulate him. He still beats me—my God, he finds new ways every day—but after all this time, he promised he would’ve broken me by now.
The opposite is true.
I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been.
I’m older now.
I’m wiser now.
And I finally understand what my mother tried to teach me.
There is power in listening, watching, observing. Alrik is a snivelling cesspool of evil, but he has me trapped. While I look for ways to kill him, I control him…little by little. Inch by inch, I win an extra meal for being polite. I undermine his abuse by being obedient.
He hasn’t broken me.
He will never break me.
And soon, I will be free.
Dear No One,
A year and a half…
My mother…she’ll have moved on by now. My friends will be halfway through their degrees at university. Their lives progressed while mine has regressed.
Am I even a girl anymore? I don’t know. All I know is pain. I was strong for so long. I set up home deep, deep inside me. I had safe sanctuary to flee to when he came for me.