All this time I thought I was giving her a better life and these fuckers were taking advantage of both of us. How the fuck had I made it so easy for them? How long was this going on? Was it only after I pulled the runner two and a half years ago, or was it always like this? I was more inclined to believe the latter.
There was no point in rehashing the shit in my head now, best to move forward and make up for my screw up. But this shit’s looking more and more like somebody’s gonna end up dead. I hate to be fucked with.
I headed back to the room and her, once again with that feeling that I’d let her down eating away at me. What must she think of me? Was I any better than the old drunk that had sold her to me?
At least with him she knew there was no hope. But me, I came along and sold her dreams and happily fucking ever after and look at this bullshit. Cluster-fuck me up the ass with a sledgehammer.
As I hit the door I realized I’d forgotten all about room service. Damn, looks like I was still fucking up. I didn’t like the way any of this shit was making me feel.
I had been looking forward to us, her and me. To spoiling the fuck out her for the rest of our lives. For a long time now I’ve had this picture of her in my head. She was always laughing and happy. The shit I was providing for her was making sure that she never knew a day’s want or neglect.
I hated the fact that I’d been such an ass. All these years I’d been no better than the fucker that had sold his own blood to me. That shit left a fucked up taste in my mouth.
I felt a burning in my gut as I thought of the hell those two must’ve put her through while I was playing possum. How fucking blind had I been? And all because I was afraid of my dick, I was beyond disgusted with myself.
She was waiting up for me when I got back inside. I wasn’t about to burden her with anymore bullshit for tonight. I wanted her to get past this shit and move the fuck on herself, though I knew that was gonna take some time.
But there was one thing I needed to know. One thing that just couldn’t wait. I couldn’t have been wrong about all this shit, could I? If she erased that image I have of her as a happy kid I think I’d fucking lose my shit.
“Did you ever have any interest in any of those things I asked you about?” she was back to picking at the sheets again as she gave it some thought. Then she looked up at me with those innocent eyes and I felt the pull in my gut.
“I did use to, but aunt Dee always said it wasn’t needed, that it was selfish of me to want those things after everything else you’d done.” I think I’m gonna fucking cry.
“Tell me sweetheart, was there ever anything you were interested in doing outside of school that you got to do?” I held my breath hoping against hope. It had meant something to me, knowing all these years that I was doing something good, something decent.
Knowing that I was saving a little girl from the same fate as me. That shit had got me through some tough shit. Knowing that there was someone halfway around the world who needed me had kept me warm on many a cold night.
Hearing that it was all a lie was like being back in the midst of hell again. I could tell she didn’t want to answer me, maybe because my face was starting to look like I’d slaughter half a damn village with my bare hands. “Answer me sweetheart.”
“You mean other than our trips together when I was little?”
“Yeah baby, that’s what I mean.” She shook her head and broke my fucking heart. I covered my mouth with my hand to hold back the tidal wave that was coming.
Now that I’d unerringly opened the floodgates I wanted to know it all, down to the last fucking detail. But instead of diving head first into the conversation, I decided to change shit up. There was only so much control I could exert over myself and I think I’d reached my limit.
I already knew what had to be done, but I was dead serious about her not ever having to face this bullshit again. So it was best if I left this shit alone for another day. Maybe after I’d shown her how life with me was going to be, then we could take this shit out and shrug at it.