“Get him here, now.”
“But why the urgency? And why is my hair so bloody itchy? If I’ve picked up nits from this god-forsaken hell hole...” I raised my hand to scratch my head but Flea shook his wildly, hands waving in the air. “What? I just feel all creepy crawly but the spider—.”
“Why have you got a spider on your head?” Jez said, her eyes finally snapping open. “Have you tamed them, turning them into your disgusting but loyal minions, because that one is fucking huge!”
“What? No!”
My hands went out, to do what? Pick up the bloody thing and bestow it onto someone else’s head like some kind of bizarre coronation? Direct it like air traffic controllers with hand signs to get the fuck off my head?
“Is it smiling at me? I can see those big fancy things flexing and there’s some kind of yellow goo dripping from them. Aww, I think he kinda likes me! He’s waving!”
“Shut up! Just shut the fuck up!”
“For fuck's sake, don’t make it angry!” Flea said.
“Hang on, I think he’s flipping me the bird, the cheeky thing! That’s not a very crown-like way to behave.”
“Just hang on,” Flea said, getting slowly to his feet and reaching for the bag he’d brought with us.
“What are you doing? That better not be a bloody gun you’re getting out. I am not up for some William Tell shit, let me tell you,” I said.
“What? God, I’m not going to shoot it off your head,” Flea said.
“So what are you...? Is that a porn mag? Are you going to smack the spider with a rolled-up stick mag? Oh God, I can feel it’s hairy fucking legs shifting in my hair.”
“And if it was?” Flea said in exasperation. “It’s a bloody tattoo magazine the shop was featured in.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not sure Spidey McFuckface is too keen on the chick on the cover. He’s beginning to look agitated,” Jez said.
“What’s all this then?” I turned very slowly to see my dragon had arrived. “Gods above, that’s the biggest spider yet! However did you get it on your head?”
“Off my head first, then we share the FML details,” I snapped.
“Yes, well, I realise you’d like it removed ASAP but it appears to be a female.”
“Yes, well, while she has my solidarity, trying to be a strong independent woman in a man’s world, but I need it, her, whatever, off my head now!”
“Alright, keep your hair on. Oh, that wasn’t terribly tactful, was it? I just don’t want to break the egg sack.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, egg sack? What egg sack?”
“I think that’s why she was being so aggressive. She’s carrying a sack full of baby spiders on her back that she obviously wants to protect.”
I took a couple of long, slow breaths, not too deep as I didn’t want to piss off my arachnid headgear. “So what do you suggest?”
“This.” And M darted forward, grabbing the spider from my head. Flea and Jez watched him move with wide eyes, then flinched. I heard him crunching, then a spatter of something wet hit my scalp
“What was that?” I said, but the guys had hands over their mouths as whatever it was slid into my hair, dampening my scalp, then a curious feeling like con
fetti falling, followed it.
“Oh, nah,” Jez said with a heave, running to the front door.
“Just sit very still,” Miazydar said, perching on my shoulder. I winced every time I felt his muzzle in my hair. My dragon was picking out baby spiders and eating them like a monkey picking out lice.
“I want some Shay, lots of lots of Shay,” I said through a well of tears.
“It kinda tastes like paint thinner,” Flea said.