Merlin poofed into the shop as we drank our coffees. Mine was perfect, of course, latte with a shot of caramel. "But that's what you always drink," Tess said.
"I know."
"Did you tell him?"
"Nope. Hey, Merlin, wanting to make an entrance today?"
"Hmm? Ah yes, I left a lock on the portal, I was a bit concerned. Are those baked goods?"
"Yeah, you want a Danish?"
He picked up an apple custard lattice and took a tentative bite, his face transforming as he tasted it. "Ye gods, I love blessed Albion the most, but there are times when I consider emigrating to other realms and this is one of them. How did the unruly Normans and Saxons come up with such ambrosia? Well, ladies, I thought we might try some conjuring today. It will be a little physical but–"
"Count me out," I said. "I'm not down with that today, but Tess is looking forward to doing a bit of whoo whoo."
"Why would you not be 'down with this?' Did you not summon me for the sole purpose of teaching you the arts of sorcery?"
"I'm a bit sore–"
“She was up all night fucking a dude from a book with a monster cock, so she’s feeling a bit sensitive, y’know, in the vag,” Jez said.
The bright-green eyes swivelled over in my direction. They roamed over my body, looking for God knows what. He flicked his hand, conjuring a small screw top container before passing it to me. "This should cure your condition. Apply internally, you may need the aid of a pessary. I'll see you in the back room." He stalked into the back room, Tess following at a respectful five paces behind.
"Did Merlin the magician just give me twat salve?" I asked.
"I do believe he did. Just think, you'll have a magical muff. I wonder if it’s something he . . . requires on a regular basis?"
"You reckon he's packing more meat than a stockyard? I so don't want to know if he's got a mighty sceptre or a teeny tiny wand under the robes."
"I think I want to know. I mean he's Merlin, I'm a witch; it’s something you have to find out if you can. Pretty sure your sister wants to suck his staff."
"Wank his wand?"
"Sex his sceptre! No, that doesn't quite work. So, biker boy, what we are we talking? Foot-long or six-inch sub?"
"Not crazy long but definitely long enough."
"So, what's the ish?"
"Let's just say there's some Coke cans feeling pretty inadequate right now."
"What! Really? Well, fuck, honey, you’d better find out the recipe for this salve shit."
16
"Taste it, see if you have conjured it correctly."
I looked at the cream-covered coffee I’d just produced out of thin air by doing something that felt like Tai Chi and grimaced. It sat with the twenty others I’d previously created, all looking warm, sweet and delicious. I picked it up slowly, at least it felt like it was the right temperature. I gave the cream a sniff. It smelled like fresh, sugary whipped cream. "Just drink it," Merlin snapped. Tess stood by him, sipping yet another drink. All of hers had come out perfect. I brought the cup to my mouth.
"Bleurrgh!" I said, spitting it out in a spray. "Oh, my God, I–" I pawed at my tongue, trying to make the horrid taste out of my mouth. The cream had come out right this time, but the coffee tasted like it was made from mouldy, old, burnt grounds. "Why the hell are we doing this again?"
"You don’t have time to learn the language to manipulate your portal, so you need some catalyst to activate the spells I leave on it. A simple gesture like a wave of a hand that could be done easily could lead to the portal opening at an undesirable time. Tess impressed upon me why this would be problematic. You are learning to activate a spell through a set of complex movements, so then you’ll be able to complete the movements you need to activate the portal,” Merlin said.
"Not doing a very good job of it."
"No, it is something your sister and Jez are finding much easier. Did you apply the salve?"
"Yes!"