It took me a bit to find Jack. Some of the guys had been using a little balcony as a smoker’s spot, but he wasn’t there. I looked through doors, walking and walking until I found him sitting on the floor, facing one of the big floor to ceiling windows, letting his cigarette ash fall on the plush carpet.
Did he know what this position did for him? All of the men looked gorgeous in the sunlight, but there was something about Jack and his tumble of blond hair and his deep brown skin that seemed to soak up all radiance and let it light him from within. Weirdly, even his shitty expression didn’t detract from that.
“Come to gloat, have you?”
I stopped where I was and just stared at him for a moment. “Fucking Jack,” was a pretty regular refrain around the house, and I could see why. He was like some kind of spoiled prince with the world at his feet, and he was somehow pissed about it.
“Does this work?” I said.
“What?”
“Like, you look like a fucking angel. It’s like the gods or the Great Wolf took male models and hot surfer dudes and the angels themselves and mixed it all up and made your body. Like, in a place full of ridiculously hot guys, you’re still next level, but you walk around acting like a complete cunt to everyone. What on earth do you have to be fucked off about? You have Hawk. He loves you. He’s gorgeous, sweet, warm, has a dick like a Coke can, and is just generally a good guy. Back in the human world, anyone—guy or girl, gay or straight or whatever—would be honoured to go through life with a guy like him by their side. So why do you walk around like someone pissed in your cornflakes? You have everything, Jack. Fucking appreciate it.”
He rubbed the ash he’d let fall into the carpet’s fibres, creating a grey patch there before standing and walking over to me. “If I have everything, then why aren’t I enough? Why did he walk away from me, mid-conversation, to go running across the field just for a sniff of you? Why did the sex get that much hotter, with him hard all the fucking time, nailing me over and over, but he was never satisfied? Why does he need to add someone else, a whole lot of someone elses, to what we have? He’s mine, Jules.” His eyes burned as bright as the ones from his Tirian form as he slammed his hand into his chest, the tattoos lighting up there in response. “He’s all I’ve got.”
“Then fight for him! Go and tell him how you feel. Ask him to pull out of this, for you. If this is not what you want, if the thought of going through the gate scares you, say so!”
“I’m not scared of the fucking gate. I might not be a soldier boy, but I’ve fought my way out of many a scrap. More than fucking Prince Finn, anyway.” When he turned to look at me, I never wished more that we were officially bonded. There was so much in his stare I couldn’t decipher. He moved closer, herding me until my back hit the wall. “You scare me a fuckload more than some kinda giant wolf that can swallow me whole. I can stay here when you guys go off on your little adventure, I can break things off with Hawk. Both’ll hu
rt, the last one probably more than I can bear, but they aren’t the problem. It’s you.”
“How am I the fucking problem?” I tried to snap that out, but it came out higher and more breathy than I’d hoped.
“Beautiful girl, who winds us all right around your finger.” His mouth was only inches from mine as he said the words, his hands going up to push mine against the wall.
“I’m not trying to.”
“No, that I know. If you were one of the local girls playing games, I’d have some kind of fucking defence, but I don’t. You just come in here, all worried about the guys and the bullshit the matriarchs are pulling, wanting to go haring off and risk your life for men you’ve never even met? How do I defend myself against that? You’re everything we wanted, back when we were kids, dreaming of the one who’d complete our pack.”
“So, you’re mad at me because you’re into me? That’s kinda primary school.”
“I’m mad because you’re gonna waltz in and change fucking everything I’ve built over the years. You’re going to drag us along while you're being all heroic, bond us, join us to bloke’s who can’t fucking stand me. Can’t you fucking see it, Jules? You’re breaking everything down, and I’m here, gasping from the intensity and just wanting to lay myself at your feet and ask for more.”
He kissed me. Of course, he did. Our breath was synchronised, coming in fast. I could taste the ash of his mouth before our lips even touched. His body was tight as a bowstring, all that strength kept leashed. Fingers raked at bodies, teeth bit down on lips. He was hard and aching and thrusting spasmodically against me, making me burn for a whole lot more.
But I wasn’t going to take advantage of it. “Jack, Jack, stop. Jack.” He pulled away finally, stung. I watched his face close down, his shoulders set, his chin lifting, but when he went to draw away farther, my hand snapped around his wrists, and I wouldn’t let go. “Heat is never a problem with you and me. We can hate fuck from now until the end of time, but it’s not going to solve anything. While I want to ride that pretty face of yours until you’re covered with me, that’s not what we need.”
“Yeah?” His voice was a husky rasp, that sly smile creeping back. “Because you smell so fucking good right now.”
“No, no, stop sniffing me, stop doing that as well.” I bit back a moan as his lips trailed along my neck. I growled in frustration. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was trying to be good or just him, but my body felt like it was on fire. I pushed him back, then spun around and shoved him up against the wall.
“Mmm...” He bit his lip slowly. “I do like me some dominance play.”
“No. No dominance play, no fucking, no doing any of the things you’re thinking about, either. I need to know, Jack. Are you in or out?”
It took a second for the haze of lust to recede. I don’t think he was wholly comfortable when my words sunk in, but he would be damned if he was going to look away.
“You mean on this fool’s errand? I—”
“Don’t.” He fell silent, eyes struggling to hold mind. “This is fucking hard for me too. I have no idea what I’m doing, have no mental models for what having a relationship with so many men looks like. I am so scared I’m going to hurt someone, everyone, and now this...” I stared down at the carpet. “You want out? I’ll tell Hawk it's not going to happen. That’s gonna kill me, but I’ll do it. I really, really like him. I get why you’re scared. I’d be fucking terrified if he was mine, and someone else was coming into the relationship. But I’ll do it. You can take him and kiss him better and fucking bite him already. Make him yours and only yours. But you have to decide, now, are you up for trying things with me and my pack, or are you out?”
I didn’t want to look at him. I could feel his eyes on my face, but I didn’t want to see his reaction or find out once and for all what was happening between us. But I couldn’t go walking literally into the wolf’s den with this kind of instability. We needed to start working as an actual pack outside the bedroom as well as inside. I forced my head up. Had I ever spent as much time laying my heart on my sleeve as I had in Sanctuary? Just getting up every day and knowing my mates could tap into my feelings at any point in time, felt like the hero’s bloody journey. Every one of them did something that made my heart twist with that kind of painful joy that had you coming back for more.
“Of course, I’m in, you idiot,” he said, but his gentle tone belied his words. “That’s why I’m so fucking torn up all the time.” He kissed me, but this time it was a soft thing, just a press of lips to lips for a moment that seemed to last forever. “I can’t promise it’ll be all hearts and flowers. Hawk’ll set you straight there. I’m a prickly bastard, that’s not likely to change.”
“I don’t want you to be someone else, Jack. There’s something about your obstinate arse that I like. I just need you to talk to the two of us, at least. You’re not hiding anything by lashing out. Just talk it through. We can work this out if we keep talking.”
“OK.” He looked at me, a slow smile starting. “You sure we don’t need to celebrate this newfound accord in bed?”