Whenever we passed a group of people, I got the sense that they were staring at me, judging me for not being one of them. I was intruding in their world. I wasn’t meant to belong here. Panic rose inside me again and I was tempted to wrench myself away from Jennifer’s side and sprint back to the taxi, which was slowly crawling away. My eyes searched frantically for an escape. I saw danger all around me. Everyone was an enemy. Sweat prickled on my brow. I was dragged along by Jennifer’s momentum more than anything, but as we got closer I knew I couldn’t do this. I knew I had to leave, even though it was selfish of me. I was supposed to be Jennifer’s best friend, supposed to support her on nights like these, just as she had supported me through all the lonely nights, but I just couldn’t.
I was about to pull myself away and retreat, when, suddenly, there were loud shrieks and everyone from the office was swarming around us, giving Jennifer celebratory hugs and also expressing joy that I had shown my face. I forced polite smiles, not wanting to be rude, but I dipped my gaze away, embarrassed. At first I thought it was a joke that they were being so over the top with the reactions, but I quickly realized that they were being genuine and were happy that I was with them. I suppose I had been lost in my own world for so long, that Andy had made me feel so small and insignificant, I had forgotten that I mattered to people. I found myself in the middle of the throng and we moved as one, shuffling up the line to get into the club, getting closer to and closer to the entrance. I knew I couldn’t leave now. I couldn’t bear the pitiful looks they’d give me. I was being carried along by the tide. The entrance to the club was like a gaping maw, darkness awaited. Throbbing music gave the only hint of what was to come, and the entrance was guarded by two tall men who looked cut from the same slab of flint. They wore stern expressions and had thick heads of hair. Their tight black t-shirts were stretched wide across their expansive, muscular bodies. Their biceps bulged, as everyone who passed came under their unforgiving gazes. They were the gatekeepers of this place. They emanated power and everyone succumbed to humble silence as they passed.
I swallowed a lump in my throat, somehow nervous, even though I knew there was no reason for them to deny me entrance to this place. As I grew closer, I saw them more clearly. They were like giants to me, or titans. Their bodies were athletic and I had the strong sense that neither of them had ever felt fear, not like I had. I was weak, they were strong, and I felt my heart flutter as I thought about their primal strength.
Our group approached and I handed them my ID. My hand looked tiny compared to theirs. One of them flashed a light at the small plastic card and then at my face. It hit me and I squinted, reeling back. He leaned into the other and murmured something. I didn’t hear what. I was worried that something was wrong. I met his eyes and was surprised with how deep and sparkling they were. It was as though the entire ocean was swimming inside. My breath caught in my throat as I was pushed along. My neck craned back, but then the darkness swallowed me and the gatekeepers faded from view.
I don’t know why they’d had such an effect on me, but I shook it off as soon as I got into the club. Darkness descended upon us. Flashing lights illuminated the dance floor and other people were lit up by glow sticks they were holding. I clung to the people around me, not wanting to be left in this scary place of shadows and thumping noise. People yelled to be heard, and I couldn’t hear anything. Jennifer said something and I just nodded. A few moments later a drink was thrust into my hand. It was sweet, and I decided to take a few sips. I moved my body to the rhythm and looked around. The lights were low and everyone seemed to crowd together in a writhing mass of bodies. There were some who were already dancing the primal dance, their lips locked and hands roaming freely over their skin. I hid my gaze, ashamed, yet curious, for I wondered if I would ever feel that passion. My life had always been one of intellectual pursuits and the pleasure I shared had been high-minded and calculated, never this raw and purely lustful frenzy. There was something enticing about it, and the fear only added an extra crackle of electricity.
In this place, it felt as though anything could happen. It was a world of wonder, a place where inhibitions could be shed and darkest desires indulged. It was a place that held secrets, as though everyone who entered became part of a secret pact. There was an unwritten rule that whatever happened in the club stayed within the boundaries of the club. It was as lawless as the wild west, but nobody here was interested in committing crimes like theft or burglary. All they wanted was to have a good time and achieve some semblance of liberation from the drudgery of their lives. I could feel the lure, the temptation of the same desire. The thought of shedding the image of the well behaved pristine girl I’d cultivated over the years was intoxicating. In this place I could be whoever I wanted, whatever I wanted, and nobody would know any different.
My mood had changed entirely from when I had approached the doors of the Blue Lagoon. Then, I had just been an anxious girl, but something had come over me as soon as I entered the club. Perhaps it was just the effect of the alcohol, but I wanted to believe it was something more,
that it was something inside me that was being brought out. For the first time since I’d been with Andy, I felt alive, I felt as though anything could happen. More to the point…I felt as though I wanted something to happen. I looked around and instead of things to be afraid of, I saw possibilities. I caught glances being thrown in my direction and heat bloomed on my cheeks, for I knew they were noticing me, they were picking me out of the crowd, just as Jennifer had said would happen.
I looked over for my friend. She had been dragged to the dance floor while I had been thinking about my changing mood. I raised my hand in front of me, moving it back and forth as though I was swimming through water. The music that had once been deafening, now faded into the background of my consciousness, and my thoughts came to the forefront of my mind. I drowned in the fragments of my life. At one moment I was a little girl scampering up a hill, tripping and falling grazing my knee, then I was nervous at my first interview, as though if I didn’t get it the world would end and I’d never get a job, forever hopelessly relying on handouts from others to survive. Then it was my first date with Andy, who seemed so nice, and suddenly a lancing pain flashed through me as I felt his hands upon me, the way he squeezed my arm so tight it felt as though the skin was going to rip off, the way I could taste the fear in my mouth and I staggered back, closing my eyes, trying to push away the echo of reality that seemed to haunt me. I reached out with my hands, swatting at the empty air and I accidentally clattered into someone. They pushed me away and I was just like a bumper car, careening through the crowd, getting twisted around in the mass of hot, sweaty bodies. I looked up at the blinding flashing lights. The floor burned with the rhythm of the music and I couldn’t even hear my own heartbeat. It had been replaced by the pumping rhythm.
The feeling of freedom had been brief, once again replaced by panic. I found myself wanting to retreat to my home, to the only place in the world where I felt safe. After Andy I had become a recluse, not that I had ever been much of an outgoing sort before, but at least I had been able to leave the house without having a panic attack. Now I was just a mess and for every small step I took forward, it felt as though I took a hundred back, and they all led to that same place, to the void inside me, to the emptiness that had been left when Andy had taken everything.
I pushed my way through the crowd and searched for any sign of someone I knew. I needed Jennifer. I called out her name, but my voice was frail, whimpering and dwarfed by the cacophony of the music. I saw what I thought was her and reached out, but the sneer of a stranger greeted me and I was once again made to feel small, made to feel like I didn’t belong. I was gasping for air. I searched for the door, hoping that if I could just get outside I might be able to get rid of this crushing feeling in my chest, but I had been turned around. The place was a labyrinth of flesh. My throat was suddenly dry and my head spun. Could I see the music? I felt as though I was losing my mind and then, suddenly, there was a hand on me. I screamed and turned around.
“There you are!” Jennifer cried, and pulled my trembling body into her arms. I clung onto her for dear life, embarrassed at the cold sweat that trickled down my body. She didn’t seem to mind. Perhaps she hadn’t even noticed. Her eyes were glazed over, and while she tilted her head askance she didn’t ask me what was wrong, merely brought me into the circle and resumed dancing. I held her hand and looked around at the group of people I knew. They stood in a circle and all seemed to be dancing to a different rhythm, lost in their own worlds. It was a strange ritual, I thought, coming here to this club as a group, when so much time was spent alone. A few people leaned into each other to converse, but I didn’t understand how they could hear when the music drowned everything out. I stayed close to Jennifer, wary that I might get lost again and I didn’t want to go through that hell. I started moving my body, swaying it back and forth just as everyone else was, although my mind wasn’t on the movements and there was no grace at all. People buffeted me from behind and I was being pushed further and further into the shrinking space our circle had created. Glow sticks caught my eyes and I looked up at the DJ, who pumped his fist in the air, but whose eyes were firmly locked on his equipment. He was like a god dispensing commandments through music, and everyone in the club was fervent and frenzied, drinking up everything he offered them, paying tribute to him, even though he was just a shadowy, mysterious figure.
The songs blended in with each other, creating an endless stream of sound. I kept glancing towards Jennifer, making sure that I didn’t get lost again. Sometimes I caught the people around us staring at me. They probably knew what had happened. I had done my best to hide it, but word inevitably spread, and the truth always came out. I wondered what was going through their minds. Probably pity. They probably wondered how I had let it happen, why I hadn’t run away when I first saw the signs.
It hadn’t been that easy.
Then I felt an arm curl around my waist. At first I thought it was Jennifer taking care of me again, but then I realized the arm was stronger than hers, and it was covered in hair. I felt hot breath on the back of my neck and a hard body pressing into me, all his warmth and strength enveloping me like a cocoon. My first instinct was to try and wriggle away, but there wasn’t enough space to escape. The wall of bodies in front of me offered no relief, so I was forced to endure the shield around me, and I found that I began to enjoy it.
The strength was comforting. The feeling of protectiveness washed over me, and I couldn’t resist the way it felt. I closed my eyes and found myself pressing back, enjoying the security that came with his arm around my waist. It was the first time I had been close to a man since Andy, and somehow, in this place with so many other people around, it seemed okay. The sense of intimacy was lost because we were surrounded by so many people, but so too, was the vulnerability I thought I would feel. A spark was lit inside me, a spark that became a powerful flame, and I was suddenly seized with an all new feeling, a feeling that the only way I could exorcise the ghosts of the past was to fling myself into the future and embrace the uncertainty, to force myself to move on, rather than languish in the abyss of my fear.
His hand slipped and squeezed my waist. An involuntary rush of breath burst from my throat. My body arched back and then he was turning me around. My arms reached around his neck. It all seemed so natural, so effortless, and I realized that Jennifer had been right. I did need to throw myself into life, so I tilted my head up and parted my lips. I could barely tell what he looked like. Right now, all I wanted was to feel the shadow of affection and a hint of all that had been taken from me. I moaned as I closed my eyes and felt his arms wrap around me, holding me tightly, running over my exposed flesh. Heat rose within me and, in that moment, I thought that everything was possible.
Then it was ripped away from me, again, this time by the person who I thought I could trust the most.
Chapter Three
My lips ached from the force that this stranger had kissed me with. I staggered back, as Jennifer pushed herself in between the two of us. I furrowed my brow and, suddenly, there seemed to be much more space on the dance floor, as people began to filter away from Jennifer’s animated gesticulations. I composed myself, and scowled, ashamed of all the attention that was on me. The man I had kissed pointed at me and shook his head. I couldn’t make out what they were saying. I composed myself, and walked up beside Jennifer, trying to glean some sense from her. I caught her arm, as she was flailing it wildly, shooing the man away, and she was surprised when she saw me. She glared at me. The man turned his back, and slunk into the crowd, disappearing from view.
“What did you do that for?” I yelled, even though I knew Jennifer couldn’t hear me. She shook her head and pointed to the exit, which I could now see clearly. After experiencing what the club had to offer I wasn’t sure I was ready to leave, but I wilted under the force of Jennifer’s gaze.
After the minor disruption, the crowed filled in the gaps that had been left, and it was as though nothing had happened, as though I had been a ghost just passing through this place, and left no trace. Nothing remained.
I sullenly followed Jennifer out of the club and the cold night air hit us like a wall of ice. Inside it had been so hot, sweat caked my body, but out here the world seemed big again, big and open, where the wind swirled around and taunted my flesh. To our left was a barricaded area where the smokers all stood, a haze of smoke rising in the air like a large cloud. Their chatter was a refreshing sound, although the beat of the music still hammered against my ear drums, and I wondered if it would ever go away.
“I did it for your own good,” Jennifer said. We were ushered away by the gatekeepers. The two strong men evidently didn’t want anyone loitering around their area. They were silent guardians, strong and tall. The area they guarded was now devoid of people. The long line that had snaked round the corner of the building, had long since made its way into the club, eaten up and squeezed in, and now the two men stood with watchful gazes, waiting for any trouble, confident in their ability to take care of anything that happened.
We moved a few feet away from them and then stopped.
“What the hell do you mean ‘my own good’?” I shrieked. Since my ears were still ringing, I raised my voice a few decibels louder than it really needed to be. Jennifer pinched the bridge of her nose and huffed. She looked tired.
“This isn’t your world, okay? There are some things you don’t know about.”
“Like what? I don’t get this Jennifer. First of all you tell me that I should let loose and just enjoy the feeling of being close with someone again, then when it happens you pull me away! What the hell do I have to do? What went wrong? Did you have your eye on him? Is that what this is about; are you just jealous that someone might actu
ally prefer me to you?”
“What? No! Why would you even say that?” Jennifer asked, taken aback. If I had been in a more rational state of mind, I might have seen how confused she was, but I was already on a roll and the words spilled out of me as though they were coming from an overturned truck.