Chapter One
“Come on Ellie, don’t be such a drag!” Jennifer said. She was playing with my hair, pleading with me like a child would plead with their mother for some sweets.
“You know it’s not my scene. Can you really imagine me, in a club?” I rolled my eyes and then looked down at my outfit, a plain white blouse which was buttoned up to the top, of course, along with a pink cardigan, grey skirt and black tights. It wasn’t the most adventurous outfit, but then I wasn’t an adventurous girl. I’d come to terms with that during my time on this planet. It was a shame other people hadn’t. They were always trying to change me, trying to bring me out of my comfort zone, but there was a reason why I liked my comfort zone; it’s comfortable!
“I can, and you look great. And it suits you. And you’ll have so much fun!” she exclaimed.
“She’s right. You’ve never experienced a night out, like a night out with us,” Sharon called out from another desk. Suddenly a whole chorus of pleas rang out and filled the office, with all the girls trying to coax me out of my shell. It was annoying, because going out dancing interfered with my plans of getting takeout and watching The Office. Again. Didn’t they realize that some things were more important than going out and getting drunk? Frankly, I’d never really seen the appeal of this whole culture. I barely had enough money as it was, let alone to be able to go and fritter it away on drinks, extortionate entry fees, and then the cab fare home. I’d had these discussions with Jennifer before, and I wasn’t about to have them again, but they were on my mind.
Jennifer perched on my desk and leaned in, lowering her voice to a conspiratorial whisper.
“I know that this isn’t your thing, but it is a big deal for me and I want my best friend there. What’s the use in celebrating my promotion if I can’t celebrate with you?! Please, do it as a favor to me. It’s not like you haven’t been out dancing before.”
“No, and I remember how awkward I felt the last time. Some day, I think, you’re just going to have to accept the fact that there are some people who are made for those places and some who aren’t.”
“Please,” Jennifer pleaded again. “I’m going to be swamped with all this new work and I don’t know when I’m going to get the chance to go dancing again. I promise, I’ll never ask you again. This will be the last time.”
“That’s what you said before,” I replied dryly. Jennifer arched her eyebrows and bit her lower lip, flashing her wide, beautiful eyes at me and, God help me, I relented. I hated the way she could get under my skin like this and make me do things I never wanted to do, just to stop me from feeling guilty at letting my friend down.
“Fine, I’ll come, but I’m not going to stay the whole night and I’m only going to dance to songs I recognize,” I declared.
Jennifer clapped her hands and let out a whoop of delight, which brought some strange looks from other people in the office, but when Jennifer explained that I had just agreed to come out, there was a round of applause.
“See, people love that you’re coming!” Jennifer said, her eyes twinkling.
“Only because they’re hoping for a good show on the dance floor,” I cringed when I thought about how my arms moved awkwardly and never did what I wanted them to do. It amazed me how other people could be innately graceful, but then there were plenty of things that other people could do naturally that eluded me. Some people had all the luck. People like Jennifer.
I tried not to be envious of her, because it wasn’t her fault she got the promotion. People just gravitated towards her more than they did me. She was vivacious, friendly and charming, and that counted for more than efficiency, hard work and punctuality, I thought sarcastically. I knew the way the world worked but it didn’t make it any easier to stomach. I just wasn’t born to succeed. It was hard to face the idea of going to celebrate with Jennifer, as well, when all I wanted to do was commiserate with myself for not getting the promotion, but she was my best friend and I couldn’t let her down. The fact that she’d owe me one was also important, and I’d make sure to cash in on it. Like the last time this happened and I made her go see a trilogy of French documentaries with me.
“And you never know, you might meet a guy tonight. I’ll come over and help you get ready. I think I have a couple of dresses that would suit you,” Jennifer said excitedly. It was shaping up to be a really good evening for her, but it was going to be hell for me.
“I’m quite sure that the type of man I’d meet dancing isn’t the type I’d want to bring home,” I said.
“Don’t be so judgmental, besides, it’s been long enough that you should have a little fun. I get worried about you Ellie. Humans are meant to socialize. I think your sexual organs are going to atrophy if you don’t use them soon,” Jennifer said, with that wicked smile that’s so hard to hate.
“I do just fine, and one day I’m going to meet a charming and handsome man who is erudite and wise, and we’ll sip tea, and talk about metaphysics and existentialism all day, and then we’ll do a crossword-”
“And I’ll come by and shoot myself in the head. Christ, Ellie, sometimes I wonder where you get your ideas of romance from. You’re lucky I came along when I did. I have a lot of work to do to undo all of this craziness.” She huffed and shook her head, which she had done countless times since we’d gotten acquainted. Sometimes, I wondered why we were even friends when we had so little in common, but we had a good rapport and she was always there when I needed her, as I tried to be for her. She just seemed to have ambitions for me that I didn’t share. In many ways, she was like an overbearing mother. I didn’t want to delve into the psychological implications of what it meant for me to acknowledge that fact, so I ignored it and continued with my work. Surrendering to the whims of Jennifer.
*
I had a few hours to myself after work, before Jennifer was supposed to come around, so I used them wisely. I centered myself in the middle of the lounge, folding my legs underneath my body and entering a calming world of soothing emotions. I blocked out all the outside noise and sights, focusing on my breathing to calm my anxiety. The more I thought about the big night out, the more tense I felt. My chest tightened and I found it difficult to breathe. I’d always hated crowds, being buffeted and suffocated by the undulating mass of writhing bodies around me. I always felt so small, as though I was being covered by a mass of flesh and nobody would hear my screams. I could feel my entire body going rigid with tension, and it took all my willpower to quell these feelings inside me and focus on the void inside, vanquishing my negative emotions. I had to stop my negative thought loop and begin a new, positive one. I told myself that it wouldn’t be all bad, that I would be with people I knew, and I would be safe. Nothing bad was going to happen to me and, when it was over, I could return home to my comfort zone and life would go on as normal.
I breathed in and counted up to nine, held my breath for a couple of seconds, and then breathed out again, again counting to nine. It was a simple technique that I had learned a long time ago, when I was dealing with stress and panic in my life, and it was something that I had relied on as a crutch many times since then. Even though my mind throbbed with pain, I focused on the numbers, pushing aside everything else in my mind, though it felt like I was pushing against a huge block of concrete. I could feel sweat bead on my forehead, but I lifted my mind from my body and the painful, stabbing thoughts became whispers in the darkness, slowly receding back into the recesses of my mind.
I often wondered if everyone else dealt with the same thoughts, as if my mind was my own enemy, always attempting to sabotage me at every turn. If I had my own way, I’d live in a bubble where nobody could disturb me and I would never have to leave. That would have been heaven but, unfortunately, socializing was a required part of humanity. How I longed for the darkness, to be floating in the void with no obligations and no expectations weighing me down, to be free of pressure, just a body in space…
*
I’d already pushed myself out of my comfort z
one when I went for the promotion, which I did on a whim. It had taken a great amount of courage for me to apply for the position. Being rejected was like a punch in the gut and it didn’t inspire me to go for anything like that again, because of the anxiety it had caused me. Waiting to hear the news had made me queasy and I didn’t know why anyone would want to put themselves through something like that. I decided if I was going to be promoted, I’d much rather have it given to me. If not, then I’d be quite happy staying where I was.
I had just managed to reach a state of calm serenity, when the buzzer went off and I was shaken from my silent reverie. I scowled and brought myself out of my mindful state, scampering to the door to let Jennifer in. She came in and sighed when she saw the place.
“Ellie, come on, you haven’t done anything like I told you since the last time I was here,” she said, walking in and rearranging some blankets that I’d thrown haphazardly on the couch. “You really need to take better care of yourself. Aren’t you afraid of what a man is going to think when you bring him back here?”
“I really don’t think that’s something I should be worried about.”
Jennifer placed her hands on her hips and then marched towards me. “You know, Ellie, it actually pains me to see you living in a place like this. You’re in the prime of your life and you’re just wasting it. You’re a great, beautiful girl and you’d make any guy happy. I just don’t know why you’re so stubborn in your refusal to give romance a chance!”
“I’m not stubborn. I just don’t think that I’m going to meet a suitable man at a club.”
“Oh, please,” Jennifer waved a hand brusquely in front of her face, “I don’t want to hear this again. You know, maybe you should try finding someone who doesn’t fit this image you have in your mind of the ideal man. Sometimes I think you just want a carbon copy of yourself.”
“Isn’t the point of love, to be with someone who you share interests with?”
“Sure, to a point, but you also want someone who is going to push you out of your comfort zone, who is going to introduce you to new things. Do you really want to just stay indoors and do the same thing every night, just with someone sitting beside you?”
“Actually, that sounds like perfection to me,” I snapped back. I was getting tired of Jennifer telling me what I should do with my life, so I pulled the only card I knew would get her to shut up. “Can you blame me after Andy?”