as there such a thing? Jared says that collateral damage was an essential part of living on this planet. After everything I have seen, I can’t believe it. My brother’s actions are far from average. It had to be possible to exist in this world without constantly making others miserable, fighting, spending hours watching your brother heal from battle, or deceiving innocent souls like Jen for personal gain. There had to be more to life than this. Otherwise, what’s the point? The words came from Jen’s mouth, so I knew that she believed them. But I found it hard to believe that she ever cast aside compassion for other human beings. She didn’t seem the type. For whatever reason, she’s painted herself as a bad guy. The only way I was going to be able to help her was to find out the full story. Don’t scare her. Ease into the conversation. Remain neutral. “What was he actually doing?”
“The group that Tim got hooked up with were trafficking more than drugs. Even though Tim swore he was never involved with certain parts of the business, I was never sure. Right after I met him, some of his friends got busted during a prostitution sweep. After a while I stopped asking because his reaction was…strong. But I knew he took over. An opportunity like that? Tim wasn’t one to pass up money. He was greedy. Tim always talked about trying to move up in the world for our future. It was only used to placate me and shift the blame. If he was doing all those bad things to support me and my dreams, what does that make me? Tim put me through nursing school and supported me while I did it. I took the money and put my head down and stopped asking questions.”
Is that what she was feeling guilty about? Being supported by her husband? The standards for relationships these days are abysmal. Men grow up to become man children and women settle for scraps. She’s way too good for Tim and she has no idea. But what can I say to her that she’s not going to brush off? “You need to give yourself a break. I’m sure you were very young.” I winced at my words. She’s not going to like that. I turned off the main road and into the parking lot of the daycare.
Jen’s voice strained until it almost broke. “What is it with men? Why do all of you have this damsel in distress fantasy? I wasn’t that young. I was old enough to know what was happening around me and old enough to know better. But I wanted the benefits of being his girl.”
Even though she was talking about herself as if she was some old woman, wise beyond her years, she didn’t fool me. Her girls were young, and she probably dated him a few years before she married him. That would have put their relationship smack in her early twenties. That was prime real estate for making mistakes. Being with someone wildly inappropriate was a rite of passage wasn’t it? Sometimes you end up staying in the relationship longer than you should, but it is an experience all the same. Not that I had many long-term relationships to compare it too. I looked around. From the street, the children inside daycare were visible. A few children were outside on the fenced playground with a tall and slender woman wearing jeans that were ripped at the knees. Inside the building, I saw children jumping up and down in front of a screen. I should have a few kids by now, but my brother is hell bent on this idea that our mates needed to be approved by him. Until Jared was convinced, none of us were mating. I felt the urge to get out of the car and go into the daycare. Wasn’t it going to close soon? There were a lot of children still left. I guess when it is time, she will let me know. She must need to vent about all of this. Jen probably doesn’t have many people in her life that she can share things with. At least, of this nature. I asked her to clarify. “Benefits?”
“Money. A nice house. Fun. Parties. Alcohol. Drugs. It was like something out of The Great Gatsby. Excess in all its forms. It wasn’t until I got pregnant that reality struck.” The Great Gatsby? I doubt a knuckle head like Tim was throwing parties that qualified as F. Scott Fitzgerald worthy. Probably more like fraternity row parties. I looked towards the daycare. A line of cars now idled in the parking lot. Mothers and fathers hung outside of their windows waving at the giggling and playing children. I guess no one is in a hurry. “So, what happened then?”
Jen took a deep breath and carried on. “I started pressuring Tim. I wanted to be married. Stable. Suddenly, the idea of drinking and partying all day was irresponsible and his dealings with the bikers felt dangerous and wrong. I begged him to play house. He wanted to play, but he liked the idea of owning me. Instead of rejecting the idea, he married me and then kept me locked away in the house. The party was over for me instead and he kept right along doing what he was doing, drugs, booze, women. My world folded up and disappeared overnight while he ran out and made more money than ever. He said I inspired him to reach further and provide. In reality, he gave himself the permission he always wanted. And when I started to rebel and reject him, the abuse started. He was always controlling, jealous and insecure, but something wormed it’s way into him. A madness. I guess I couldn’t see it at the time, but I was really cutting into his style. He was resentful. I nagged him, always calling. I was super jealous, wondering where he was always. It was incredibly stressful when I was pregnant and then the baby came, and he cleaned up his act quite a bit. For about six months, we were the highlight of his life, stars of his world. And then slowly things began to wriggle lose.”
This is the most serious conversation we’ve ever had. Jen never talked about her past, or even her personal present for that matter. All of this information bounced around in my head. I knew that Tim was a lowlife, but I always imagined that he kept that hidden from her somehow. Her reaction to learning we were bikers was indicative of some baggage, but I thought perhaps he got involved later in life and that’s what broke up their marriage. I had no idea she was in it from the beginning. And why was she telling me all of this now? She was at confessional; did she want absolution? “How did your relationship end?” This was getting difficult to hear. I wanted to know all about Jen and what made her tick, but I didn’t want to become friend-zoned where she felt comfortable complaining about the other men in her life.
“Eventually he was back to his old tricks and, of course, I made a big mistake.” Tears streamed down her face, but her body was still and composed. “Even though I didn’t want to admit it, I knew our relationship was a dead end. Instead of leaving, I tried to slap a bandage on it. I stopped taking my birth control pills.”
Her breath grew ragged. She was staring at the dashboard. It was almost as if she forgot I was listening. “I wanted to get back what we had. He fawned over me and the baby before and I was desperate to feel that way again.”
Her voice cracked. She continued speaking, almost in a whisper. If I was human, I would have needed to lean in to hear her. To avoid suspicion, I leaned in close. Her perfume hit my nostrils, spicy and floral with a hint of vanilla. “I never even thought about seriously leaving him. It was as if that option was unavailable. So, I forged ahead. Of course, the cycle repeated after she was born, but then it got bad. Worse than before. Instead of only becoming verbally abusive and occasionally violent when he was high or drunk, that became the default. And it’s all my fault.”
Her sobs were closer together now, shaking her shoulders. I placed my arm on her shoulder and pulled her closer to me. “Why are you blaming yourself? It’s not your fault!”
She pulled away and met my eyes. “I brought a child into this world with an abusive father on purpose. I ruined their lives.”
I grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her towards me. I lifted her chin up until our eyes were even. “He abused you. You made the best decisions you could at the time and under the circumstances. Stop being so hard on yourself.” I took another breath to calm myself. My heart was thudding, and the roar of anger was buzzing in my ears. This bastard really did a number on her. “You were young and entitled to a few mistakes. We all are. You’re trying to do better now, which is what is important. Getting out of an abusive situation is extremely difficult, trust me.”
Jen’s gazed widened. “You’ve been in an abusive relationship?”
I still am. Although it’s not romantic, my relationship with my brothers was more toxic than I ever imagined. When I was younger, I actually believed we would all be able to stick together forever. Not that I was going to bring that up now. I nodded. The less information I gave her, the better at this point. I wanted her to feel better, not learn all about me.
“How did you get through it?”
She wiped the tears from her face and reclined in the seat. Jen pulled her legs up and crossed them, her sneakers squeaking across the console. It was as if we were in our own private treehouse, sharing hot chocolate and whispering late into the night. Every time I tried to open up to her, she viewed the intimacy as friendly. I was going to end up gossiping with her while she dangled off Jared’s arm. And Jared would mistreat her just as he mistreated everyone. Simply, the noise of her sneakers squeaking off of the leather would have set Jared off. He can’t stand people putting their shoes up on anything. Even if it isn’t his. I repressed the instinct to push her feet down. I decided to be honest. “Part of it is permanent. That’s the most difficult thing to unlearn. You can’t get over ‘it’.” I formed quotation marks with my fingers. “It changes you to your very core. And that’s okay. You don’t need to get over it. It’s a matter of getting on with your life and learning from your past. Nobody’s perfect. We’ve all got a closet packed with skeletons.” Some of us more than others. Our sins were piled deep. Was there anything to be done about it? Except to move on and hope to be a better person? And how would my new life mesh with my brothers? It
wasn’t as if I could persuade them to take another route. They were set.
“Did you take like a course or seminar?” Her face was streaked with tears, but she was smiling.
“No, I got my counseling degree online. It was a bargain at $50. All I had to do was print it out at home. I’m officially registered as a life coach in three states.” I smiled back at her. Looking at her now was like seeing the sun’s rays peek through storm clouds. It was then I realized that I wanted her to be happy, always. No matter what the personal cost. And that was something new.
“Don’t we have some children to pick up?” Jen motioned to the dwindling crowd in front of the day care. We were stragglers, but not the only ones.
“I have a vague recollection of some tiny creatures that were in need of assistance.” Tiny creatures. That were half yours, half someone else. The concept never ceased to amaze me. That and how desperately protective people were of them. Sure, they were tiny and helpless. But they were certainly no more helpless than any other tiny creature. Genetic connection was a powerful tie. It bound for life. Certainly, I was able to rise above my own instincts to be loyal to genes? No matter how much love I gave those children, they would never be mine. Could I possibly love them as much as my own offspring? And was there room in her heart for more children? Would she even want any more? Deciding to run off with a human would not settle well with my brothers. Particularly when they’ve got their eyes set on the same one. They’ll view it as selfish and reckless, which in a way it was. For the first time in my life, I’m considering choosing myself over the pack. Breaking the shapeshifter’s code was punishable by banishment or death. Will separating myself from my brothers set me free? Or will it be like cutting off a limb to save myself from a trap? There was only one way to find out.
“Tiny creatures is right. Come on let’s go. I’ll introduce you.” She opened the car door and motioned for me to follow.
I grabbed my keys from the ignition and slid out of the driver’s side. As I watched Jen run towards two small girls with cherubic faces, I wondered if she had it in her heart to love me. If Jen saw that Tim was bad for her, she might be able to fully escape. Tim needed to be out of the picture. Then, Jen might be able to open her heart to someone else in her life. Did she even want a bigger family? A mate to take care of her and protect her? When she dropped to her knees in front of them and wrapped them into a hug, only one word resonated in my mind. Yes.
Chapter 19
Jennifer
The girls never warmed up to a stranger so quickly. From the daycare to the house, I was in awe of how gentle and skilled Wes was with children. When they started sniffling in the car, I braced myself for anger. It didn’t occur to me until after, how strange that was. What was there to be angry about? It was simply a conditioned response based on Tim’s volatile temper and distaste for noise. Wes didn’t yell, scream or even make an unhappy face. He simply put the car into park, told me to take the wheel, and spent the next fifteen minutes in the backseat playing peekaboo. When I pulled into the garage, I paused. The backseat was filled with laughter and shrieks. How long has it been since I made my way home with ease? I could count on one hand how many times Tim and I worked like a team. My chest felt light and my shoulders were relaxed. I turned off the car and slid out into the garage. When I walked around to the backdoor, Wes was already outside, a girl in each hand. Camille was slung over his shoulder and Avery was clapping and gurgling in her car seat. The muscles in his forearms were flexed. Tim always played with the girls with a strained smile plastered on his face. As soon as an excuse made its way into his sights, he plucked it out of the air and used it. Wes appeared to genuinely enjoy playing with the girls. Is this what it would be like to have a husband that held up his end of the bargain? Help with the girls, intimate conversations, and big strong arms to wrap around me at night? I hesitated to ask him inside. He probably has better things to do, right? “Do you want to come in? I’m probably going to order Chinese. Is that okay?”
“I’m coming in, but not for Chinese.” A wide grin crossed his face.
What did that mean? Did he want something else to eat besides Chinese? Or, was that his attempt at flirting? Wes never crossed the line with me before. He always kept our conversations light. Jared was always sending hints and innuendos about what he would do to me if I let him, but Wes never mentioned anything that wasn’t strictly friendly. Was I overthinking it? “Meaning...?”