s you want to do. But please don’t do this.”
It almost sounded as though someone else was speaking, as though the voice I heard was coming from somewhere far away. It was something of a trick I had learned when I was younger, a way to detach myself from my life and pretend that the little girl who was hated by her parents wasn’t really me at all but just someone else I was pretending to be for a while, and I could leave and go somewhere else whenever I wanted. Somehow it helped to dull the pain, but only for a short time, and it wasn’t helping now.
Logan and Jamie spread my arms and legs as Jackson brought some restraints and tied me to the altar. The stone was smooth and hard. I looked up at the dark roof and realized this must have been a cave and the cabin was built around it, but whatever significance this had to the three men I wasn’t aware. I struggled to pull my wrists away, but I wasn’t strong enough. Jamie and Logan easily overpowered me and held me out while Jackson wrapped strong rope around me, tying me down to the altar. I had never been in a position like this before. Never in my life had I been so powerless. I’d always been careful. I knew what life I was getting myself into when I decided to turn my back on society and live on the outskirts with the rest of the dregs that had been cast out of paradise. I took precautions, I trusted my judgment, and so far I had been lucky, although apparently my luck had run out.
I closed my eyes and tried to swallow my fear as I felt the restraints tighten around my body. I struggled and wriggled and my eyes glistened with tears as I realized that there was no way for me to break free. I was stuck here, at the mercy of these men. Sweat prickled my brow and my chest heaved. I was beginning to hyperventilate and my eyes darted between all three. I had been pleading constantly since I had been brought to the altar but now my words were being lost in my frantic breaths. I looked at each of them in turn, none except Jackson returned my gaze, and there was no mercy in his eyes at all.
I winced as he tied me down fully and turned my head away, clamping my eyes shut to at least protect myself from the sight of whatever these men were going to do to me. I whimpered and my entire body trembled in fearful anticipation. I had nowhere to run, nobody to turn to. I was all alone in the world, and wasn’t that what I had wanted? The strong, independent Millie who hadn’t needed or wanted anyone to stand by her side and support her; I had pushed aside anyone who might have even wanted to care for me because I didn’t see it as being possible. And now I was left to these three men, three men who, for some reason, had chosen me for this dark deed. I chastised myself for being a loner, but then I realized I couldn’t have been anything else.
I imagine many people in my situation would have prayed, but I didn’t. If God did exist then the fact he thought this was a fitting end for me was a cruel, cruel joke, and it showed he was as merciless as life itself, and I didn’t want any part of Heaven if it was ruled by such a malevolent, petty being. I almost laughed at how grim the whole thing was though. My life had never even gotten started. I had been cursed from the very moment I had been born, and I didn’t think there was one single part I had enjoyed. I couldn’t remember ever being happy, not truly, and now I supposed I never would. It was a waste of resources really, for a life to end up meaning this little. I had accomplished nothing, done nothing of meaning or with purpose. I had simply drifted along letting the current take me and tried to eke out as much existence as possible without truly living. In those moments I faced my mortality and I wished that I had done more with my life. I had put up so many walls around me that I had never let anyone else in, and there were good people I had met, people like Harper and Mel, and there had probably been times when I could have reintegrated myself into society if I had put in the effort, but I had been stubborn and clung onto the belief that I wasn’t made for the world, that I was meant to be cast away.
I blinked back my tears and swallowed my sobs, hoping to engulf them in silence as I didn’t want Jackson, Logan, and Jamie to witness my shame and my pain. I had spent so long keeping people at arm’s length I wasn’t about to compromise my emotions now.
“Jamie, you go first,” Jackson said.
My eyes shot open.
They weren’t going to kill me, at least not yet. There were going to do something much worse.
I had come close to being raped before, but I had always managed to cheat that fate. I knew a lot of other woman who had suffered. I’d seen how it had broken them, how it had taken away part of themselves and they had never been able to recover. I saw how it made them a shell of their former selves and yet I had never quite imagined just how excruciating the fear was, how the helplessness was so powerful and pervading, how I could struggle with all my strength and know that it was not good enough. I wasn’t strong enough. These men had me and they could do anything they wanted with me. I was nothing but their plaything, their toy, I was less than human to them and this was so degrading it made me sick.
I opened my eyes as Jamie came forward. He stood over me, looking less intimidating than his brothers, but he was still strong. His eyes gaze at me with a hollow stare and time seemed to stand still.
“What are you waiting for?” Jackson asked. Jamie gulped. A stray thought passed through my mind that he seemed as scared as I did, and I wondered if he had ever done this before. Was this all just some twisted way for Jamie to claim his manhood? But if so, why did they need me specifically, and why did they need me to be on this altar?
Jamie reached out a trembling hand. It ran against my leg and I jerked. Jamie pulled his hand away, as though he was a child testing the heat of fire for the first time and feeling the burning, threatening warmth. Jackson growled again and urged him to continue. Jamie stepped closer and returned his hand to my thigh, giving it a soft squeeze, although it wasn’t confident at all. I decided that I wasn’t going to give him the dignity of hiding from his mistake. I met his gaze evenly, never taking my eyes off him, making sure that if he was going to go through with this he was not going to dehumanize me. I was a person, and I would not be stripped of my humanity.
Jamie moved further up my body. I felt his fingers creeping up my thigh, and I wondered if he was going to be brave enough to delve into every part of me. He stopped at my hips and he licked his lips, hesitating. I wondered what was going through his mind, what was going through all their minds. He closed his eyes and bowed his head.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t Jackson,” he said in a small voice.
“What do you mean you can’t? She’s right there!”
“This…it doesn’t feel right. This isn’t the way I wanted it to be.”
“It doesn’t matter what you want it to be. You don’t get to choose what happens in life, you just have to get on with it. Do you really think I wanted this to happen either? We have a duty Jamie, and it’s time for you to fulfill that duty. You have responsibilities, and it’s time for you to take a stand. You’re a child no longer and I cannot indulge you. Just do it.”
Jamie inhaled deeply. He looked at me, and then shook his head more vehemently. “No, Jackson, this isn’t right. We should talk with her about it. We should tell her what’s going on. It’s the only fair thing to do.”
“This isn’t about fair, and it’s not like she’d agree otherwise.”
“You don’t know that,” I said, suddenly finding my voice. The three brothers turned to me. For a moment it seemed as though they had forgotten I was there. Logan was being uncharacteristically quiet, I thought.
“You would never understand,” Jackson said in a terse voice. His shadow was framed by the glow of candles and he looked a frightening sight.
“You haven’t even tried to explain,” I said.
“Maybe she’s right,” Logan said quietly. “Maybe Jamie is right too.”
“Not you as well,” Jackson said, huffing as he threw up his hands and shook his head, turning away slightly. “The two of you need to get your act together. You both know what’s at stake here, what we have to do, and it’s not going to get done if
you’re bothered by your conscience. Sacrifices have to be made,” he said.
“But not this way Jackson, it doesn’t feel right. If we do this then we’re no better than them,” Logan said. “Look, I was on board with this because I thought it was the only way, but standing here now, it just…it doesn’t feel like it’s something we should be doing. And you can’t just make Jamie do this if he doesn’t want to. He’s just a kid.”
“He’s got no time to be a kid,” Jackson said, staring at Logan. Logan pressed his lips together and put his hands on his hips. He was about to say something when the three brothers seemed to notice something. They tilted their heads to the side and grimaced.
“They’ve found us,” Logan said.