My heart is shattered, because Ryle hasn’t changed at all. As much as I hoped he had, and as much as I know he wanted to, he’s still the same man he’s always been. I somehow held on to a sliver of hope that he had become stronger for Emmy, but this is absolute confirmation that I’m making the right choices for her.
Ryle is clinging to me like I can make this better, and at one point in time I thought I could. He’s a broken man, but he isn’t broken because of me. He was broken before he met me. Sometimes people think if they love a broken person enough, they can be what finally repairs them, but the problem with that is the other person just ends up broken, too.
I can’t afford to allow anyone to break me anymore. I have a daughter I need to be whole for.
I gently press my hands against his chest and urge him back into the hallway. When I’m finally in a position where there’s enough space between us to shut the door, I close it and lock it, and then I immediately call my mother and tell her to put Emmy in the car and meet me at the park. I don’t want them to be at her house if Ryle still plans on showing up there.
After I end the call, I move with purpose through my apartment. If I stop and allow myself to get lost in what just happened, I might cry. I don’t have time to cry right now. I get dressed to go to the park because I need to be present for my daughter in every way that I can be.
Before I walk out the door, I grab the note Atlas wrote me and tuck it into my purse. I have a feeling his words are going to be the only bright spot to this day.
My premonition is coming true. I hear a loud clap of thunder as soon as I pull into the parking lot of the park. There’s a storm brewing to the east, and it’s heading this direction.Fitting.
It’s not raining yet, though, so I scan the playground until I spot my mother. She’s holding Emmy, and they’re going down the slide together. She hasn’t spotted me yet, so I take a moment to pull Atlas’s letter out of my purse. I’m still reeling from my interaction with Ryle. I’d like to read something that can hopefully put me in a better mood before I greet my daughter.
Dear Lily,
I’m sorry I had to leave without saying goodbye, but you fall asleep so easily. I don’t mind it—I like watching you sleep. Even when it’s in a car in the middle of a date.
I used to watch you sleep sometimes when we were younger. I liked how peaceful you looked, because when you were awake, there was always a quiet fear in you. But when you slept, the fear was gone, and it always put me at ease.
I can’t begin to tell you what tonight meant to me. I don’t think I have to put it into words because you were here. You felt it, too.
I know I mentioned earlier that I carried a lot of guilt about what happened between us, but I don’t want you to think I carry regret for loving you back then. If there’s anything at all I regret, it’s that I didn’t fight harder for you. I think that’s where the majority of my guilt stems from—knowing if I didn’t leave you, you never would have met a man who would end up hurting you the way your father hurt your mother.
But no matter how we got here, we’re here. I had to get to a point where I realized I was always worthy of being loved by you. I hate that we didn’t get here sooner, because there are so many things in your life I wish you didn’t have to go through, or that I could have prevented. But any other path wouldn’t have given you Emerson, so I’m grateful this is where we ended up.
I love watching you talk about her. I can’t wait to get to know her. But that’ll come in time, along with all the otherthings I’m looking forward to. We’ll continue to take this at whatever pace you’re comfortable with. Whether I get to talk to you every day or see you once a month, anything is better than the years I had to go not knowing anything about you.
I’m so happy you’re happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.
But I will say, nothing beats knowing I’m the one you get to be happy with now.
Love,
Atlas
I flinch so hard, I almost rip the letter in two when someone bangs on my window. I gasp and glance up to see my mother standing next to my car. Emmy lights up when she sees me through the window, and that smile is all it takes to make me smile in return.
Well, her smile and the letter in my hand.
I fold it up and tuck it back into my purse. My mother opens my door. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, it’s fine.” I take Emmy from her, but my mother’s eyes are squinting with suspicion.
“You sounded scared when you asked me to meet you at the park.”
“It’s fine,” I say, wanting to brush it off. “I just didn’t want Ryle to pick her up today. He’s not in a very good mood, and he knew she was with you, so…”
I blow out a breath and walk over to the empty swing set. I take a seat in one of the swings and place Emmy on my lap,facing out. I kick the ground and give the swing a little push, watching as my mother takes a seat in the swing next to us.
“Lily.” My mother is looking at me with concern. “Just tell me what happened.”
I know Emerson is only one and can’t understand me yet, but it still makes me uncomfortable to talk about her father in her presence. I’m convinced babies and toddlers can sense moods, even if they can’t understand what you’re saying.
I attempt to explain my situation without mentioning names. “I’m sort of seeing someone?” That confession comes out like a question because we haven’t made it official, but I don’t think Atlas and I have to put a label on it to know where this is headed.
“Really? Who?”